Sakshi Rawte on Female Pleasure

[00:00:00] What is love? Is it just an L word or is it a must to live a successful life? Hi, I'm

[00:00:06] Aasthath Revanand and here on the L word we will talk about love and everything that

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[00:00:19] Hi, welcome to a new episode of The L Word and today we are talking about sexual

[00:00:24] wellness and the female you know orgasm I would say a female pleasure. I'm talking to

[00:00:31] Sakshi who is a sexual wellness and beauty writer and I met her for the first time

[00:00:35] really excited she's like all dressed in pink and champing Barbie Corp

[00:00:40] which she always does. Sakshi my first question to you is do you think we talk enough about

[00:00:47] female pleasure? No even 50 years from now I'll say that we are not talking enough

[00:00:53] about female pleasure. 50 years from now also you don't think you'll be talking about it.

[00:00:57] 110% why do you think that is we still have a very very long way to go I mean luckily

[00:01:03] touch wood now a lot of people are coming out in the open a lot of creators a lot of brands

[00:01:08] are putting it at the center but the ground reality is very different I mean you see all of this

[00:01:13] on the internet but when it plays out in real life it's not the same there's a very massive

[00:01:19] disparity over there when you talk to guy friends that you have or out there when I'm dating

[00:01:24] yeah there's still a massive gap so we need to talk about it. Okay let's go back to the beginning

[00:01:29] you're how old are you I'm 25 we are 25 and how did you want to start writing about sexual wellness

[00:01:37] and why do you think that that that switch was switched on in your head? So to be very honest

[00:01:43] the switch was switched on at a very young age and it didn't happen the way I wanted it to happen

[00:01:50] like every Indian kid my first experience with pleasure was born and it was just it was very

[00:01:58] I wouldn't recommend that for anyone especially as the first experience especially as the first

[00:02:02] experience because when I watched porn for the first time all I could think was oh it has to

[00:02:08] be violent oh like he needs to like you know orgasm first because I rarely ever saw these female

[00:02:14] porn stars orgasming and when I saw they were like releasing gallons of like water which was like

[00:02:19] okay why is that happening why should we yeah so it's a very rough description of pleasure that we see

[00:02:26] and even the story lines that you see in porn they're very scripted very I don't know like

[00:02:31] even if it's an entirely sexual scenario there has to be intimacy there has to be kindness

[00:02:37] like that doesn't only have to play out in your romantic relationships yeah even if it's a casual

[00:02:42] equation I do expect the other person to show me a certain level of respect a certain level of

[00:02:49] intimacy which you don't see in porn so you don't also like they're trying to show a perfect

[00:02:55] kind of example you will come he will come he'll always running and sex is not like that especially

[00:03:01] when you're maybe a younger and trying it out it's definitely gonna be difficult it's gonna be painful

[00:03:07] it's gonna be like you have to figure out if you're comfortable not comfortable what you like

[00:03:11] or you don't like so that's the time like that to get it to a point where you're actually having fun

[00:03:16] exactly it's not so easy right yeah and like for example even when they show like you know porn

[00:03:22] has these categories which I have a personal problem with like the very I don't know what to say

[00:03:27] so there's always a category about virgins okay and it depict like a picture perfect you know

[00:03:33] scenario for women losing her virginity everything is like oh great and she has him in this but it's

[00:03:38] not like that it's not like like the first time I had sex I was so confused I didn't know what to do

[00:03:43] and I didn't enjoy it at all yeah it took me and the partner I was with a good six to seven times

[00:03:50] to be like okay now I know your body yeah now it's better like now we know what to do yeah you

[00:03:56] know yeah so I think with all of us who've grown up with porn as a first experience with yeah or

[00:04:04] like a reference with sex it always takes its way to navigate like we don't have books we

[00:04:10] don't have erotica we don't have all these educational podcasts or audios back then so how does one

[00:04:16] learn yeah and so what did you do how did you learn um I think I learned I learned it along the way

[00:04:23] yeah and luckily I was distracted by a pink eyeshadow we will show it in the photo after

[00:04:33] I think it took me a lot of reading up online yeah not just watching stuff of course everybody is

[00:04:39] a visual learner but I read a lot of journals I know sounds very weird not everybody's into

[00:04:46] that but sex journals yes like sex journals I am obsessed with the journal of sex and marital

[00:04:53] therapy it's something I always talk about in my articles as well yeah so instead of using a

[00:04:58] visual method of learning I would read these scientific journals you know sometimes they don't make

[00:05:03] sense because the studies they do are absurd but sometimes you just learn things along the way

[00:05:08] yeah and even though I've been writing about sex for a while now every day I learn something new

[00:05:13] like for example today I learned that only 10 to 54 percent of women yeah I read that actually

[00:05:19] yeah no no so I've I've just started writing this this was the other one I read something about

[00:05:23] the case of the female orgasm which is yeah five to ten percent only achieved yeah the orgasm

[00:05:28] exactly and I'm working on something for uh on squatting right now like is it a myth does it

[00:05:33] really happen do we because I've had a lot of friends ask me that over like the last few months

[00:05:39] so I think for women it's also why the orgasm thing is could be because for them the whole

[00:05:45] process is a thing yeah it's the thing it's the for play everything and if you don't orgasm

[00:05:51] you're like chalala I had fun of yeah exactly and they were the they were you know and because the rest

[00:05:57] of the act is as important exactly and sometimes as much as I mean everybody loves a great orgasm

[00:06:03] but sometimes what we do is we put too much um thought and pressure on okay I need to finish yeah

[00:06:09] and in that process you kind of forget to have fun yeah yeah and then you're wondering oh am I doing

[00:06:15] something Rick wrong oh he isn't as you know hard as I expected him to be yeah or I'm not feeling it

[00:06:20] so am I doing something wrong yeah so then you and your partner you don't enjoy the whole process

[00:06:24] of out the course for play yeah you kind of just be like okay I need to finish because like we

[00:06:30] have to orgasm yeah you know but but in your expertise and like I'm sure people talk to you about

[00:06:36] it all the time all you're like time telling me your sexy history what are what are women what are

[00:06:44] their concerns what do they want the most I would say in in their sex life I think they want

[00:06:50] intimacy they want respect yeah and they want to be heard and by heard what I mean is a lot of men

[00:06:57] in the bed when you tell them what to do they take it the wrong way yeah automatically it's like a

[00:07:03] hit to their ego yeah and they go like oh she's telling me what to do like that cannot be cold whether

[00:07:07] that's a casual partner or you know a boyfriend like I've had this experience in both scenarios yeah

[00:07:13] where I've just been like okay can you move a little to the left how can you do this and then why

[00:07:17] you telling me what to do do not like care about if I have a good time or no so I'm just like

[00:07:24] tomorrow if somebody tells me okay do this do that I'm not gonna take it in a wrong way maybe even

[00:07:29] ask no why not I don't feel you're enjoying it should we do something else you know I say this

[00:07:40] in all of my articles and even like to like friends if mine always always come up to me like

[00:07:46] communication is the key because if you're not going to talk about what you like what you want or

[00:07:51] what you're not into then you're not gonna have fun with whoever it is whether that's a boyfriend

[00:07:56] or like just a casual hook up yeah what are you like what advice are you giving people like what

[00:08:03] what is what are some of the topics that you've covered in the last few months which I've really

[00:08:07] resonated with you personally what is really resonated with me and what I feel like people really liked

[00:08:13] reading about and they're talking about now is um outer cause you know what is outer cause exactly

[00:08:20] yeah see the course and then yeah I really want to know what this is so a lot of people you were

[00:08:25] sex which didn't even say yeah I would love to do that what is outer cause so a lot of people

[00:08:31] always mistaken for play for outer cause like okay the same way intercourse is the act of you know

[00:08:38] technical terms over here because a lot of people don't understand yeah I guess outer cause is

[00:08:42] everything else it's like from the beginning like when you not even the kissing from when you like

[00:08:49] I'm gonna depict a scenario for you from the beginning when you walk into a bar you look at someone

[00:08:55] they look at you you have that little bit of i-sex going on you know you know your intersex yeah

[00:09:01] I love using that time i-sex yeah you know you're into each other like right from that moment

[00:09:08] to the end like the four penetration that's what outer cause is and the reason it's separated

[00:09:13] a little bit from four play is four play kind of tells you that okay after four play sex needs to come

[00:09:20] hmm outer cause is a thing in itself you know you don't have to have sex after that like it's the

[00:09:25] rest of the romance in every yeah I'm sure every woman out there will again with me romance all

[00:09:32] of it is exactly and we don't need penetration to orgasm yeah I mean every girl I've spoken to till now

[00:09:39] doesn't need penetration to orgasm yeah they're like everything else that comes along before that

[00:09:45] but women can orgasm without the pregnancy as easy as easy as that as easy but as hard

[00:09:51] because it's not happening it's not happening yeah so this is one thing that even I discovered

[00:09:56] just a few months ago and it was very interesting to see that instead of focusing on the buildup

[00:10:01] that leads to sex you do everything else you know and I know sometimes men do need to have sex but

[00:10:09] I've also noticed that when you bring this up in conversation oh this is what I'd like to do would

[00:10:13] you be comfortable with only doing this you know a lot of them have been very intrigued and open

[00:10:19] to receiving that as well yeah but I think they're still not very comfortable yeah if a woman

[00:10:24] is talking about having sex or is talking about sex all the time we did a whole story at midday

[00:10:29] where we spoke some to someone anonymously who basically isn't a long distance relationship

[00:10:35] so whenever he's not around which is a lot she calls a person home she has a person who she has

[00:10:42] sex with and she's found him on an app there's an app to find these men which are and many of them

[00:10:48] are from South Bombay they are like good looking gym instructors or something who are making money

[00:10:55] on the side okay but since you have one person you still have some kind of intimacy of

[00:10:59] of course you have some kind of chemistry with them whatever and her partner knows so he's allowed

[00:11:06] to do it wherever he is yeah and because she's like I need physical touch to feel comforted

[00:11:12] I need it in a daily basis if I'm living alone then I'm not getting it enough so then I have anxiety

[00:11:18] another thing so I need I need to have sex you know and she discovered one person who's very good

[00:11:26] so she's like I call only him now so and there was this other piece I was reading about how the pleasure

[00:11:31] gap is causing women to solicit you know to pay for sex basically because she also pays that guy

[00:11:39] now I don't know if it's legal or you know there's whatever in that but do you feel that's happening

[00:11:46] do you feel that women are getting more vocal about what they want and that's leading to issues

[00:11:52] that's even leading to them not having men who are you know 100% this is something I've seen myself

[00:11:59] like I think it turns off many if you say I want sex but when they want sex you're supposed to be

[00:12:03] here and so I've always been someone who's very bold who's very outspoken that's caused a lot of

[00:12:09] problems like in my dating life with my family too I mean it's a very tricky like when my mom found

[00:12:14] out her right about sex she's like like lipstick what happened to lipstick you know I was happy

[00:12:22] when you were writing yeah yeah she wrote this she read sorry read this piece I wrote on

[00:12:27] little stimulation and straight up in Marathi she looks it me like not sternly but she looks at me

[00:12:33] you know I mean I've been writing erotic and I've wrote it

[00:12:44] on milzenboons suddenly a few days ago she turned around and she said on the net it says you're a

[00:12:50] erotic writer I said yeah what love milzenboons is is you know seen as erotic she's like

[00:12:58] ah but okay okay like I was like now you've discovered at 10 years after I wrote the freaking book

[00:13:05] like yeah but no definitely women are being more vocal and it does cause problems when you're out

[00:13:11] there dating meeting new people there have been so many times where I've met someone and they

[00:13:20] yeah and they go like oh so you write about sex like some of them I'm not gonna I'm gonna give credit

[00:13:25] where it's due some of them are very fascinated and they go like I think it's very cool how you're

[00:13:29] doing all of this because we need to have these conversations yeah then of course there's the other

[00:13:32] half that goes like why do you have to write about sex like it's okay everybody knows

[00:13:38] that you're up for anything because you like sex we always have that we always have that

[00:13:44] yeah set of people and a lot of the times people do get like especially when I'm out there dating

[00:13:49] they get intimidated by the fact that I talk so much about sex so it does cause problems like oh

[00:13:54] you're so vocal like everybody knows what you like like that's because I'm a writer it's my job to

[00:14:00] yeah speak about these things speak to people and talk about my own experiences as well

[00:14:04] and if you have a problem with that then you're free to go like you know what's the best reaction

[00:14:10] you've got maybe from a guy um even if it's not worked out with him yeah it's not a lot like you

[00:14:18] but you respected that actually I think the best um reaction I got was this one time when I was in

[00:14:25] the process of writing something I wanted someone to take a look so and I was out with somebody at

[00:14:31] that moment so I just showed it to him like you know yeah what do you think of it yeah and while

[00:14:36] reading he dropped his drink and he was like oh my god like you need to write a book I will buy

[00:14:42] 50,000 copies of it you know I will say that too yeah I think that was the best reaction didn't work

[00:14:47] out but best reaction for sure but you know you remember that I mean you're a sex in the city fan

[00:14:53] of course you remember that episode where uh Charlotte is just getting to know about whatever

[00:14:58] vibrato is and then she gets obsessed with the rabbit they call it the rabbit right and she's not

[00:15:02] getting out of the house she stops going because she gets you think about all the time you know

[00:15:09] how would you ask people to start doing like women to start maybe experimenting I know a lot of

[00:15:15] young women who don't even want to you say masturbating to a young person young woman and she

[00:15:20] I don't do that as if it's like something yeah like it's you and yourself how is it a bad thing

[00:15:27] right so how would you maybe tell women to start that sexual journey so I have always told like

[00:15:35] I'm really happy and grateful for the fact that I have been responsible for most of my friends like

[00:15:40] 90% of my friends buying vibrators for themselves or they ask their boyfriends can you get me one

[00:15:46] like for valentine's a please you know yeah so in that sense I feel that um women are opening

[00:15:52] themselves up to vibrators because maybe either they're taking their pleasure in their own hands

[00:15:57] that's literal opening themselves up to a wife or maybe they're just realizing there how much ever

[00:16:04] you tell a man he's not going to listen to you I'm gonna get this toy and get the deed done yeah

[00:16:08] you know so in that way women really are opening themselves up and you can see this directly in the

[00:16:14] fact where there are so many Indian brands out there coming up with so many toys we had the

[00:16:19] sangya guys yeah lovely friends of mine yeah lovely friends of mine yeah they were here and they're

[00:16:24] like obviously I have each one of their toys I think it means we have to still try it but they gave

[00:16:28] me a gift beautiful toys yeah uh I have also gifted vibrators to my friends in the past and

[00:16:35] what I always tell them is that if you don't know yourself and your body you're now going to be

[00:16:40] able to tell your partner what to do yeah you know the reason I know what I like in the bedroom today

[00:16:46] and I know what is going to get me going is only because I took the time out to get to know my body

[00:16:52] to masturbate I spent time doing that so which is why when I'm with a partner it's so great

[00:16:58] like Samantha's and your beauty stuff always always come to that beauty is better yeah so um yeah

[00:17:08] precisely that so experiment a little more get to know yourself a little more and I feel like

[00:17:12] sometimes and not be approved about talking about it yeah like don't be a Charlotte because she was

[00:17:18] so prudy in the beginning about it and then later on she was just like obsessed with it yeah you

[00:17:23] know and with vibrators I also feel that a lot of um I'm not about single women here I'm talking

[00:17:28] about women who are dating a lot of them have this inherent thought that okay my boyfriend won't

[00:17:34] like it or he's going to feel like I'm doing something wrong you would see it as you know yeah

[00:17:39] you're cheating on me yeah which is so absurd it's like why if I didn't finish you why do you have

[00:17:44] to finish yourself yeah like tomorrow if you watch porn like a woman's not gonna tell you you're

[00:17:51] cheating on me yeah exactly I mean I mean I'm saying woman is not the same woman you're correct

[00:17:55] same woman is not gonna tell you why are you doing that but I say in women and so this is why a lot

[00:18:01] of women take time to open themselves up and like we saw in last stories last year where she gets

[00:18:07] a vibratum and later on she's like oh my god like wow yeah you know so take so much she discovers

[00:18:13] what it actually can feel like precisely so single women here I do feel like they are a little more

[00:18:19] open to it but women who are married or with someone they always have that fear that okay you

[00:18:25] know what if I'm doing something wrong but I feel like communication always does solve that

[00:18:29] unless and until you're dating a psycho but yeah be fearless yeah be fearless communicate no

[00:18:37] your own and there are so many options out there I mean back when I wanted to buy like my first

[00:18:41] vibrator I was so terrified like somewhere abroad I had to get my friend to smuggle it for me

[00:18:48] from the States because I was terrified of ordering anything to my house because if somebody opens

[00:18:54] it I can't be like oh it's an eye massage oh my mom will be like this does not look like an eye

[00:18:58] massage oh yeah you know so I had to ask somebody to get it from Europe and like really smug it like

[00:19:03] it's a deal like we were talking to them they're like it's all made in India I was like that's great

[00:19:08] vibratum make in India yeah we have so many brands out there right now yeah our justice good as the ones

[00:19:14] you get out of the country great price points discrete packaging so I mean and good quality and great

[00:19:21] quality also putting out I think sex education along with which that which is great to see yeah

[00:19:27] and you're also there for them to get all the sex education thank you so actually

[00:19:32] for coming and being so candid I love people who say of course without thinking what that is me

[00:19:37] that is me always me also so I love it I was just telling you know our killer producer saying

[00:19:42] ki bhai I like people who just say things because that's the best podcast yeah why the thing

[00:19:48] is good guys thank you so much action I love being here see you next time

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