"The Control Nexus: Mastering the Inner Dynamics of Life's Decisions"

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: One of the things I love most about what I do is the opportunity to unravel the mystery

[00:00:05] [SPEAKER_00]: of human behaviour and thereby to offer solutions that truly make a difference in people's

[00:00:11] [SPEAKER_00]: life.

[00:00:12] [SPEAKER_00]: I am fascinated to probe below the surface and find out why behind a person's behaviour

[00:00:17] [SPEAKER_00]: and discover their core beliefs, questions, metaphors, references and values.

[00:00:23] [SPEAKER_00]: There are an abundance of clues to human behaviour, just as blatant as a smoking

[00:00:28] [SPEAKER_00]: gun.

[00:00:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes the clues are a little more subtle and it takes further investigation to cover

[00:00:35] [SPEAKER_00]: them.

[00:00:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Like a Sherlock Holmes, if you have a grasp of these organizing principles then you are

[00:00:42] [SPEAKER_00]: overpowered, not only to influence people for positive change but also to understand

[00:00:48] [SPEAKER_00]: why they do what they do.

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Hi, I am Rabjot Singh, an automobile engineer by profession and owner of Mindful Masters

[00:00:56] [SPEAKER_00]: I am here to help people live a life of emotional and financial freedom and this podcast

[00:01:02] [SPEAKER_00]: is one of my ways to do it.

[00:01:04] [SPEAKER_00]: So let's call it as a control nexus.

[00:01:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Understanding the control nexus of others allows you to immediately get to the essence

[00:01:13] [SPEAKER_00]: of a person, whether it's your spouse, your child, your partner or even your boss

[00:01:18] [SPEAKER_00]: and the people you meet every day.

[00:01:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Wouldn't this be one of the greatest gifts you could ever receive to be able to know

[00:01:26] [SPEAKER_00]: what is driving all the people who are the most important to you including yourself?

[00:01:33] [SPEAKER_00]: Wouldn't it be great to get beyond any upsets or challenges with people and with

[00:01:39] [SPEAKER_00]: someone you understand why they are behaving this way and then without judgement to be

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_00]: who they really are?

[00:01:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Just as you wouldn't judge stock market on the basis of its one day, by the same

[00:01:57] [SPEAKER_00]: token you can't judge a person's character on an isolated incident.

[00:02:03] [SPEAKER_00]: People are not their behaviors.

[00:02:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Doesn't mean you should let them hurt you like my crush did it to me a ton of

[00:02:11] [SPEAKER_00]: times.

[00:02:12] [SPEAKER_00]: The idea of learning the control nexus is to know the person's driving force

[00:02:16] [SPEAKER_00]: and if it doesn't match your, distance yourself.

[00:02:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Because if you don't, getting hurt is inevitable.

[00:02:24] [SPEAKER_00]: The key to understanding people is to understand their control nexus so that you can appreciate

[00:02:30] [SPEAKER_00]: their individual systematic way to reasoning.

[00:02:34] [SPEAKER_00]: We all have a system or procedure that we go through in order to determine what

[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_00]: things mean to us and what we need to do about them in virtually any situation

[00:02:44] [SPEAKER_00]: of our life.

[00:02:45] [SPEAKER_00]: You need to remember that different things are important to different people and they

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_00]: will evaluate what's happening based upon their perspective and conditioning.

[00:02:57] [SPEAKER_00]: In modeling, the most successful people in our culture, one common denominator I

[00:03:03] [SPEAKER_00]: notice without fail is that they make superior evaluations.

[00:03:08] [SPEAKER_00]: What makes Lewis Hamilton the greatest Formula One driver of all time with 7 World

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Championships?

[00:03:14] [SPEAKER_00]: What makes Virat Kohli king?

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_00]: A killer instinct in their mindset.

[00:03:19] [SPEAKER_00]: What does that mindset come from or where does that mindset come from?

[00:03:23] [SPEAKER_00]: It all comes down to these people making superior evaluations in their expertise.

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER_00]: You have to remember that if someone is doing better than we are in any area of

[00:03:37] [SPEAKER_00]: life, it's simply because they have a better way of evaluating what things mean

[00:03:42] [SPEAKER_00]: and what they should do about it.

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_00]: The goal then is to be able to evaluate everything in your life in a way that

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_00]: consistently guides you to make choices that produce the results you desire.

[00:03:56] [SPEAKER_00]: The challenge is that seldom we take control of what seems like complex

[00:04:01] [SPEAKER_00]: process, but I have developed ways to simplify it so that you can take the

[00:04:07] [SPEAKER_00]: help of it and begin steering your own evaluation procedures and therefore

[00:04:11] [SPEAKER_00]: your destinies.

[00:04:13] [SPEAKER_00]: There are five elements of evaluation, some of which I have already covered in

[00:04:18] [SPEAKER_00]: previous episodes or you may already know, but the rest I'll cover in the

[00:04:22] [SPEAKER_00]: following episodes.

[00:04:24] [SPEAKER_00]: The first element that affects all your evaluations is the mental and emotional

[00:04:29] [SPEAKER_00]: state you are in while making an evaluation.

[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_00]: There are times in your life when somebody can say one thing and it will make you

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_00]: cry while other times the same comment makes you laugh.

[00:04:40] [SPEAKER_00]: What's the difference?

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_00]: It might simply be the state you are in.

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_00]: When are you in a fearful or vulnerable state, the crunching of footsteps

[00:04:49] [SPEAKER_00]: outside your window in the night along with a creak of a door opening will

[00:04:54] [SPEAKER_00]: feel significant.

[00:04:56] [SPEAKER_00]: A major key to make superior evaluations is to ensure that we are

[00:05:01] [SPEAKER_00]: making decisions about what things mean and what to do when we are in an

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_00]: extremely resourceful state of mind and emotion rather than in a survival mode.

[00:05:13] [SPEAKER_00]: The second building block of our control nexus is the questions we ask.

[00:05:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Questions create the initial form of our evaluations.

[00:05:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Remember in response to anything that happens in our life, your brain

[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_00]: evaluates by asking what is happening?

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_00]: What does the situation mean?

[00:05:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Does it mean pain or pleasure?

[00:05:34] [SPEAKER_00]: If pain, then what can I do to avoid it?

[00:05:38] [SPEAKER_00]: And if pleasure, then how can I get it more?

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_00]: So what determines whether you ask somebody for a date?

[00:05:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Your evaluations are deeply affected by the specific questions you ask yourself.

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_00]: You consider approaching a person if you ask yourself like,

[00:05:53] [SPEAKER_00]: wouldn't it be great to know this person?

[00:05:56] [SPEAKER_00]: You are likely to feel motivated and approach him.

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_00]: However, if you habitually ask the questions, what if they reject me?

[00:06:04] [SPEAKER_00]: What if they are offended and when I approach them, what if I get hurt?

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Then obviously these questions will lead you through a set of evaluations that

[00:06:14] [SPEAKER_00]: result in you passing up the opportunity and connect someone you are truly

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_00]: interested in.

[00:06:21] [SPEAKER_00]: If you look at food, you consistently ask the questions,

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_00]: what could I eat that will give me an immediate lift?

[00:06:28] [SPEAKER_00]: The food you choose at that point of time may be a convenience food or junk.

[00:06:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Or you can ask a better question, what can I eat that will nourish me?

[00:06:39] [SPEAKER_00]: You are likely to choose fruits and vegetables in that matter,

[00:06:43] [SPEAKER_00]: which will determine the quality of your physical body.

[00:06:46] [SPEAKER_00]: This has resulted from the way you have evaluated your habitual questions.

[00:06:52] [SPEAKER_00]: They play a major role in the process.

[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_00]: The third element that affects your evaluations is your hierarchy of values.

[00:07:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Now, this is the most important part.

[00:07:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Each of us throughout our lives have learned to value certain

[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_00]: emotions more than the other.

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_00]: We all want to feel good, that is the pleasure and avoid feeling bad,

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_00]: that is pain.

[00:07:13] [SPEAKER_00]: But our life experiences have taught each of us a unique coding system for

[00:07:19] [SPEAKER_00]: what equals pain and what equals pleasure.

[00:07:22] [SPEAKER_00]: This can be found in the guidance system of our values.

[00:07:27] [SPEAKER_00]: So for example, one person may have learned to link pleasure to the idea

[00:07:32] [SPEAKER_00]: of feeling secure, while someone else has been taught never to experience

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_00]: a sense of freedom.

[00:07:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Some people try to succeed yet at the same time they avoid rejection

[00:07:43] [SPEAKER_00]: at all costs.

[00:07:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Can you see how this values conflict cause a person to feel frustrated or

[00:07:50] [SPEAKER_00]: immobilized?

[00:07:51] [SPEAKER_00]: The values you select will shape your decision you make in your life.

[00:07:58] [SPEAKER_00]: There are two types of values and you will learn that in the next episode.

[00:08:03] [SPEAKER_00]: The fourth element that makes up your control nexus is beliefs.

[00:08:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Your global beliefs give you a sense of certainty about how to feel,

[00:08:13] [SPEAKER_00]: what to expect from others, from life and from people.

[00:08:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Our rules are the beliefs we have about what has to happen for us

[00:08:23] [SPEAKER_00]: to feel that our values have been met or not.

[00:08:27] [SPEAKER_00]: For example, some people believe if you love me you will never raise

[00:08:32] [SPEAKER_00]: your voice.

[00:08:33] [SPEAKER_00]: Now this is a very rigid and stupid thing.

[00:08:37] [SPEAKER_00]: It will cause this person to evaluate a raised voice as evidence

[00:08:40] [SPEAKER_00]: that there is no love in the relationship and it will dominate the

[00:08:46] [SPEAKER_00]: person's perception and experience of what is true.

[00:08:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Other such limiting rules might be ideas like if you are successful

[00:08:54] [SPEAKER_00]: then you have to make a million dollars.

[00:08:57] [SPEAKER_00]: If you are a good parent then you will never have conflict with

[00:09:00] [SPEAKER_00]: your children.

[00:09:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Our global beliefs determine our exceptions and often control what

[00:09:07] [SPEAKER_00]: we are willing to evaluate in the first place.

[00:09:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Together the force of these beliefs determines when we give ourselves

[00:09:16] [SPEAKER_00]: an experience of pain and pleasure.

[00:09:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Are they a core element in your evaluation?

[00:09:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Yes!

[00:09:25] [SPEAKER_00]: The fifth element of your control nexus is the hodgepodge of

[00:09:29] [SPEAKER_00]: reference experiences you can access from that giant filling cabinet

[00:09:33] [SPEAKER_00]: you call your brain.

[00:09:35] [SPEAKER_00]: In it you have stored everything you have experienced in your life

[00:09:39] [SPEAKER_00]: and for that matter everything you have ever imagined.

[00:09:43] [SPEAKER_00]: These references are the raw material that we use to construct

[00:09:48] [SPEAKER_00]: our beliefs and guide our decisions.

[00:09:50] [SPEAKER_00]: In order to decide what something means to us we have to compare

[00:09:55] [SPEAKER_00]: it to something.

[00:09:56] [SPEAKER_00]: Now for example I have a friend of mine who has a lot of

[00:10:01] [SPEAKER_00]: trust issues and I have been there for her for a long period

[00:10:04] [SPEAKER_00]: of time and I have shown my side that I will be with her as long

[00:10:10] [SPEAKER_00]: as it takes.

[00:10:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Now if she has trust issues and those trust issues are the

[00:10:16] [SPEAKER_00]: references she is taking from her past or the things she has

[00:10:20] [SPEAKER_00]: imagined.

[00:10:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Now she doesn't trust me even after a long period of time

[00:10:24] [SPEAKER_00]: and she ghosts me often.

[00:10:26] [SPEAKER_00]: Is this situation good or bad?

[00:10:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Because she is taking references from her past of people

[00:10:33] [SPEAKER_00]: betraying her and not giving her the value she required in her

[00:10:38] [SPEAKER_00]: life.

[00:10:38] [SPEAKER_00]: So that is why the trust issues are there in the first place.

[00:10:41] [SPEAKER_00]: You have unlimited references you can use in making any

[00:10:46] [SPEAKER_00]: decision.

[00:10:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Which references you will choose determine the meaning you

[00:10:51] [SPEAKER_00]: take from any experience?

[00:10:53] [SPEAKER_00]: How will you feel about it and to what certain extent?

[00:10:57] [SPEAKER_00]: What will you do?

[00:10:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Without a doubt references shape beliefs and values.

[00:11:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Can you see how it would make a difference?

[00:11:05] [SPEAKER_00]: For example again if you grew up in an environment where

[00:11:09] [SPEAKER_00]: you felt you were consistently being taken advantage of just

[00:11:13] [SPEAKER_00]: like my friend.

[00:11:14] [SPEAKER_00]: As opposed to growing up feeling unconditionally loved

[00:11:18] [SPEAKER_00]: how much would this color your beliefs, your values,

[00:11:22] [SPEAKER_00]: the way you look at life, people or opportunities?

[00:11:26] [SPEAKER_00]: Additional references offer us the potential of mastery.

[00:11:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Yet regardless of our experience or lack of it we have

[00:11:34] [SPEAKER_00]: unlimited ways to organize our references into beliefs and

[00:11:38] [SPEAKER_00]: rules that either empower or disempower us.

[00:11:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Each day you and I have the opportunity to take in new

[00:11:46] [SPEAKER_00]: references that can help us bloster our beliefs, refine

[00:11:51] [SPEAKER_00]: our values, ask new questions, access the states that

[00:11:56] [SPEAKER_00]: propel us in the direction we want to go.

[00:11:59] [SPEAKER_00]: And truly shape our destinies for the matter.

[00:12:02] [SPEAKER_00]: As George Bernard said, men are wise in proportion not

[00:12:06] [SPEAKER_00]: to their experience but to their capacity of

[00:12:10] [SPEAKER_00]: experience.

[00:12:11] [SPEAKER_00]: A single shift in one of the five elements of the

[00:12:15] [SPEAKER_00]: control nexus will powerfully affect the way you

[00:12:18] [SPEAKER_00]: think, feel and behave in multiple areas of your

[00:12:22] [SPEAKER_00]: life simultaneously.

[00:12:24] [SPEAKER_00]: It is very well said that if something bad or

[00:12:29] [SPEAKER_00]: dangerous happens to you, you should take away the

[00:12:30] [SPEAKER_00]: cause from it and the effect will automatically

[00:12:33] [SPEAKER_00]: cease.

[00:12:34] [SPEAKER_00]: There's a story I love to tell about a fellow

[00:12:36] [SPEAKER_00]: standing on the bank of a river.

[00:12:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Suddenly he sees someone caught in the raging

[00:12:41] [SPEAKER_00]: current bouncing on the jagged rocks and hears

[00:12:44] [SPEAKER_00]: him calling for help.

[00:12:45] [SPEAKER_00]: He leaps and tries to get this man to safety.

[00:12:49] [SPEAKER_00]: When he comes back he sees another two screams

[00:12:51] [SPEAKER_00]: from the river.

[00:12:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Again he jumps and makes a daring rescue, this

[00:12:58] [SPEAKER_00]: time he even has the chance to think he hears

[00:13:01] [SPEAKER_00]: four more people calling for help.

[00:13:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Pretty soon the man is exhausted having rescued

[00:13:07] [SPEAKER_00]: victim after victim after victim.

[00:13:09] [SPEAKER_00]: But this evaluation never told him to just

[00:13:13] [SPEAKER_00]: look at the up river, he could have discovered

[00:13:16] [SPEAKER_00]: who was throwing all those people in the

[00:13:18] [SPEAKER_00]: river in the first place.

[00:13:20] [SPEAKER_00]: He could have saved all those efforts by

[00:13:22] [SPEAKER_00]: addressing the problem rather than the effects.

[00:13:26] [SPEAKER_00]: Similarly understanding the control nexus

[00:13:29] [SPEAKER_00]: allows you to eliminate the cause instead of

[00:13:33] [SPEAKER_00]: exhausting yourself, fighting the effects.

[00:13:36] [SPEAKER_00]: So that's it for today.

[00:13:38] [SPEAKER_00]: In the upcoming episodes we will look into

[00:13:40] [SPEAKER_00]: each and every element in detail and how

[00:13:42] [SPEAKER_00]: to make that lasting change in your life.

[00:13:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I hope you like this episode.

[00:13:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Follow this podcast and rate it too.

[00:13:49] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Rabjot Singh your host and keep

[00:13:51] [SPEAKER_00]: being awesome.