Ashdin Doctor on developing habits in kids

[00:00:00] What we have to start thinking about is every time we give something to our child, ask yourself what part of your body or the child's body do you want this particular thing to become. I think it's like another thing is that we all create mini-means

[00:00:15] right and if you want to create a different mini-me you have to create a different you and we keep blaming our parents for our genes and we blame them for things like because of my parents I have diabetes because of my parents

[00:00:27] I'm overweight, but what we don't realize is along with the genes they passed on their habits to us But the point is that children are actually the best absorbers of habits Pops in a pod Pops in a pod

[00:00:55] Welcome to Pops in a Pod. I'm Peter Popp and I'll be doing this episode solo This episode I feel is a must listen for all parents. So I'm gonna keep this intro short I spoke to Ashdin Doctor and he's popularly known on the internet as the habit coach

[00:01:12] He recently released his second book the book of good habits for kids and And I think it's a book that every parent should read After you listen to this episode for sure because it's gonna leave you far more curious and interested in the topic

[00:01:27] We covered quite a few things in our chat his journey as the habit coach we also talked about how habits are no different for kids or adults and Some of the easy ways that you can implement habits in your kids life

[00:01:42] All that and more in this chat. So here it is Ashin welcome to Pops in a Pod. Thank you very excited to be here likewise, I mean we've been talking about this for a while and

[00:01:56] If for our listeners, you're getting wait, how do these guys know each other? So I'm gonna take a minute to do this because I've been actually following Ashdin for a while both on Instagram As well as his podcast the habit coach

[00:02:09] Which is really something that I've learned a lot from so I'm really glad to have you on this side of the mic To be honest, but we've interacted a few times At a few events on another podcast which I produce also and that was a lot of fun

[00:02:25] And it was while we were talking during that time is you told me about the book that you're working on and That's what actually we're talking about on this podcast but you know what I'm gonna put that all aside for a second and

[00:02:41] Take a minute or two and kind of realize that for a lot of our listeners. They may not know Who's ashton doctor who's the habit coach? So tell us about that journey. How did that all come together?

[00:02:53] amazing so the habit coach I started habit coaching say around 2017 and At towards the end of that was 2017 2018 we launched the habit coach podcast And this was the time before podcast were such a big thing in India

[00:03:10] So it was a very cool journey because we had to download podcasting apps on people's phones I would say I have a podcast is called the habit coach and people would say what podcast what is that? so we started from there and

[00:03:24] It had to be taught to everybody what a podcast is how to listen to one when to listen to one and in fact we Took it upon ourselves to create the habit of listening to podcasts

[00:03:34] So as a habit coach we had to start doing that so the podcast is called the habit coach podcast Then obviously we branched out into many different things as a result. We started coaching people through the pandemic online Work with Google abroad

[00:03:49] Basically around helping people change their lives using habits because I believe that All the thoughts and actions that we have on a regular basis are nothing but our habits and these habits create

[00:04:01] The life that we want so if you want an awesome life, we need to have our awesome habits in place Yeah, and I love the term that you use right awesome life, right because a lot of times

[00:04:12] In my head and I think for a lot of people who are listening you want the perfect life, right? You want that image or what you're seeing people's life projected on Instagram or the social media, right?

[00:04:24] But when you put the awesome life it completely has a different perspective So I'm glad you do that. It was actually very consciously done because you know Perfect life means what perfect perfection is not something that we can achieve or want actually but awesome is that feeling of

[00:04:43] Wow, right? So like at the end of the day when you look back at your life Will you have that? Wow feeling will you be in awe of how you lived and the things that you did and that is what drives me

[00:04:56] Yeah, and one thing you skipped out so I'm gonna quickly inform all our listeners is Ashton is also a published author with not one but two books and I actually read change your habits change your life and what I really liked about that book

[00:05:13] And I think I briefly told you about is it's not a book that you just read and it Lies on your shelf and then you go revisit it when you get motivation or things like that

[00:05:23] This is something you have to work at right and I think that's the way also I look at habits It's not something that I'll read something or like, you know, it's 31st of December. Yes. I'm gonna do it and

[00:05:36] Then like two weeks later. I mean like I worked in the gym business I know quite well how this kind of Works for a lot of people right but the reason we're talking is because recently you published your second book The book of good habits for kids now

[00:05:52] Let's start off with something very basic Well, you talk for adults and with adults you have a variety and we get the depth of habits and stuff like that Why use good habits? I want to know that so the interesting thing is that so firstly

[00:06:08] I don't like the word good habits. So this good habits was basically done because people are so familiar with that expression There are no things as good habits or bad habits that are habits that work towards your goal And there are habits that work away from it

[00:06:22] but the point is that children are actually the best absorbers of habits and I was like if I have to work on adults later on in life might as well get to the root of it and say that

[00:06:34] how can our kids have the best possible habits that we can get for them and Through my coaching business, I realized that so many of the parents were coming and asking me

[00:06:43] What do I do about my children? What about this about my children? How do I do this as a mother? How do I do this as a father and I realized that so much of their brain space was about Can I inculcate the same thing in my children?

[00:06:55] And that is the reason why I thought okay habits for children is something that needs to be spoken about more because Like I love self-help and I think self-help as a genre for books is one of the best ways of you know

[00:07:09] Change because what you've done is that you've taken the mind of person who is So well worse in a field and distilled it down into this these few pages Self-help in children is very difficult to create right and I was like this is a good challenge

[00:07:24] How can I do something that is self-help but interesting to children as well? And I think also partly the challenge that in that influenced having a book like this Yeah, and when I think about it, right? I mean we were briefly discussing this before we hit record

[00:07:38] Is that when I look back at my own personal life and I'm sure it must have been very similar to you Is that a lot of the habits we have currently have been so ingrained in us as kids a Top of my mind example

[00:07:53] I can give you is no matter what happens and no matter what time of the night I sleep I have to brush my teeth before sleeping Because when I look back this was the time when I had braces and I was told that you have to brush regularly

[00:08:07] Now this is two decades later. I'm still doing it Is that something you've noticed among? adults Tell me about that. So it's very interesting Very early on I realized that You know we keep blaming our parents for the genes that they've passed on to us, right?

[00:08:27] Because of my parents I have black hair because of my parents I have blue eyes because of my parents have this and etc etc And we keep blaming our parents for our genes and we blame them for things like because of my parents

[00:08:39] I have diabetes because of my parents. I'm overweight But what we don't realize is along with the genes they passed on their habits to us And in fact, I did an entire TEDx talk on this saying that you inherit

[00:08:51] Not just their genes but your habits and you need to realize this because most of the habits that we carry are Unconscious subconscious habits that we picked up that we don't even know that we have

[00:09:02] From our parents from our family and the whole idea is can we become conscious about these habits? In order to completely change them How it comes as a Important point when it comes to children and for parents listening to this right now consciously

[00:09:18] Think about the habits that you're passing down to your children Right consciously think about what is it that they are picking up from you? Not by the things that you've said but by observing you

[00:09:28] Right and that is the key thing to be aware of as a parent when it comes to habits and being passed on Like you said that I started brushing my teeth as a child now. I still do it most of our lives are just this

[00:09:40] Right the way that we take off our shoes and when we enter the house is nothing But a habit that we actually started when we were children and you probably do it the same way

[00:09:47] The way we put on our socks was the stuff that we did as a child We should probably do the same way so all those things have not changed across the years Yeah, and there's so many things and i'm sure like at this point

[00:09:58] Is also that light bulb moment for all our listeners who are like wait Hang on. I know what he's talking about or I know what ashrin is talking about because like there's so much that we do But what we don't realize is also

[00:10:12] The thing that we are doing exactly right now as adults is what what's being passed on to our kids I mean a very simple example I can give you from my own personal life and i'm sure nadir also agrees with because he tried to do it very consciously

[00:10:27] is exercise Because at some point I think in our minds when we became dads It kind of unlocked that hey hang on who are we doing this for and

[00:10:39] If I cannot keep up with my kids at this age, how am I going to do it like longer, right? so One of the things I did and I think The lockdown kind of accelerated it was working out at home

[00:10:51] And working out at a time where my son could actually see it and no So there was a time I was doing push-ups and unsuccessfully with my son sitting on my back because he thought it was like cool to kind of Give that additional challenge

[00:11:05] But now I try to get him to do planks or do like, you know push-ups and stuff like that with me To kind of make it a challenge in there, right? And I think of course i'm talking about superficial stuff here, right like brushing the no

[00:11:18] It's actually the most important. Sorry. I'm going to cut you off here because this is Something that I call the three-part method when it comes to things like exercise, okay?

[00:11:26] The first part is they're watching you doing something and they're becoming a part of that activity like your child was Sitting on your back when you're doing push-ups, right? You're doing a plank and you tell them come on crawl underneath me, right?

[00:11:40] You're doing squats. You're holding in them and doing squats You're basically making that activity fun for them. So that is step one, right? The second part is and this we do consciously saying I have to try and inculcate this habit into him

[00:11:51] So I will do exercise and he'll see it But what are we doing for the remaining hours when they are observing how we talk about exercise? Are we still talking about it enthusiastically? Are you like, oh, tomorrow again after exercise that is being picked up by the kid

[00:12:06] Right. So are we being conscious about the way that we're speaking about the activity that we are trying to put into Our child's mind The last one is important, which is that it is it should not be a special occasion that dad was working out

[00:12:19] It is the norm all families work out. Do you don't work out? Right. That's when the child says, huh, I've grown up in a family that all we work out

[00:12:28] Like we have guests on the podcast who are super fit and don't and almost it seems effortless for them to do it And I asked them and they say that it's because my parents are always like this

[00:12:38] My dad would just go off cycling when he felt like my mom would always have this kind of food at home It was never a struggle to change behavior later on Right. So it was seen as the norm and I think this three step method

[00:12:52] Makes a big difference when you're trying to inculcate these kind of long-term habits in children I mean like I'm gonna just say what you said but Thing that nathar and I keep using on the podcast is monkey see monkey do right and and that kind of works

[00:13:08] A lot of times. I mean like one of the things and we're definitely going to talk about it is Food becomes really tough, right? And I think The awareness right now we have

[00:13:19] Food as parents is so much more than we had when we were growing up. I mean like All those listening and grew up in the 90s know what it was like pre I mean post liberalization, right

[00:13:32] You had that influx of all the brands all the different kinds of food that we had no idea And it goes back to what you're saying. I mean for us It was that you know novelty but today for my son growing up

[00:13:47] And i'm going to use brand names here. Oh mcdonald's is a norm McDonald's was a treat when I was growing up, right? I want to quickly touch upon go kakola was a treat. Oh, yeah

[00:13:59] You don't just have a cook. I mean like if I had to be like like an occasion for it The two other things, you know that when we were growing up food was not that tasty

[00:14:10] I don't know if you if you ever think back to it the kind of food that we ate was not very tasty Even the fruits weren't tasty the banana did not taste sweet the apple did not taste sweet

[00:14:20] Right all those things have changed so dramatically now that we are fighting an uphill battle Because everything's so tasty obviously I want to put in my mouth at that time I would say no, no, I don't want these things because it's not tasty. But now So easy

[00:14:34] so and but I was kind of leading with that is relationship with food right because I think I mean again, I'm going to use my personal example because it's easier for me for reference

[00:14:45] Karela is not a vegetable that I will naturally gravitate towards or our request to be made at home And things like that right because of course there's a relationship I have I'm with you on this Karela is the one thing Unless it's deep fried because you know

[00:15:02] Then fine may be okay. I mean that now since you only mentioned it Have you tasted karela stuffed with prawns deep fried? Never That is one of my few exceptions, right? But okay, sorry Sorry

[00:15:18] Coming back on track coming back on track right because we can keep talking about food and different things and make people listening hungry But when I look at my relationship with food that also was set very young, right?

[00:15:33] Long time listeners will know I keep talking about I went to a school where sports was important, right? That also resulted in not having like it was literally one of those things where you were told that

[00:15:44] Hey, if you need to be fit if you need to perform and excel you cannot have certain kind of foods We were kind of made conscious of that Now that thing of that happened in my school, huh?

[00:15:56] I realized about food only once I was massively overweight and collapsing on the floor till then the concept of food did not exist It was just like if it's tasty, it means must be good for you Like only bad things are bad for you Okay, and

[00:16:11] Feel comfortable to share how much you want. How did that kind of impact right? I mean like using your own personal example how did your relationship with food change and

[00:16:21] How would what would you advise or at least share with a lot of parents who are listening, right? Because I'll be honest with you I think when four parents or five parents get together the only thing they're talking about is oh my god

[00:16:33] My son doesn't eat this food. I'm struggling with my daughter trying to get them to eat healthy food So I'm sure this is going to be one of those things that everyone's

[00:16:42] Poked up their years for so I think I think first rule is don't force your children to eat right, um, I was traveling with a group of parents and As soon as they got on the flight they took out snacks and give it to their children

[00:16:55] As soon as they got off the flight we got into the bus they took out snacks and give it to their children As soon as and it was just constant force feeding that was happening and now see if it is a

[00:17:06] Lunch meal kind of a thing. You don't need to force feed a child Right? I mean like the child will be like full But when it's junk food the child cannot realize when too much is too much Especially when it's sweet food because the sweet flavor

[00:17:21] Stops the full receptors in our brain, right? So we keep wanting more and wanting more and wanting more So it's very important for us to realize every time we give junk food chips biscuits etc to our kids They don't know when enough is enough

[00:17:34] And we can keep giving them because they'll keep asking for it But they won't keep asking for dal chawal You know, that's the difference, right? So Focusing on the dal chawal kinds of foods for them is far more important than focusing on this because they can't tell you

[00:17:47] When to switch it off personally coming back Remember I was telling you about the habits that I passed down from generation to generation my grandmother Remember she grew up in a generation where sugar was not very prominent

[00:18:01] There was still a rationed substance because world war two had happened and they were just coming out of it So as a result rich people had sugar Soon sugar was available for everything. So now sugar was used in everything

[00:18:14] So every day she would bake one cake or some pudding or something Breakfast was always a sweet pancake or a sweet porridge or a sweet something if ashten came back from school And had been bullied and was feeling low

[00:18:29] They would bake a cake if ashten came and celebrated a Test we would bake something else. So it was always sweet that was part of the home That got into my mom. So because grandmom mom Mom would have sugar on her dhal rice

[00:18:45] Right if there was no food at home just plain boiled rice and sugar because they were very poor growing up So plain boiled rice and sugar was the thing that they would mom would have

[00:18:53] Um and that got into me as well. So sugar was a norm in the house My day I would only eat so that I could have the crunch of the sugar in the day

[00:19:03] Correct and that was the way that I grew up. Like I said, there was no concept of What is good? What is bad? Till I started learning and educating myself What I like about this generation is that they have so much knowledge at their fingertips

[00:19:18] The problem is in the implementation Correct. My son is not eating this my son is not eating that my daughter is not eating this

[00:19:24] My daughter is not eating that because what is it the stuff that you are eating and how are you talking about the food then and then I remember going to a friend's house whose daughter had never eaten Maggie in her life Okay

[00:19:38] So the daughter was about five now never eaten Maggie in her life And there was another kid who said that today is my Maggie treat day So I've got Maggie packets for both of us. So this mother is like

[00:19:49] I don't know if she like it. Let's let's make it and see in my mind. I was like, oh my god This poor kid is gonna have Maggie for the first time her brain is gonna explode. She's gonna love it She's gonna fall in love with it or

[00:19:58] She took one taste and said I don't like it. I don't want it Right because the hoo ha around the food had not been made Right many a times the parents say oh my god, this is my favorite thing. I'm going to have it

[00:20:09] I'm gonna have it so the child also goes. Yeah, I was so good And we make these things important imagine if you did the same thing for windy Right if we said my god, bindi is so good. I love bindi. I can't wait for bindi to happen

[00:20:23] Chances are that our children are also going to pick up that emotion and associate it with that food Again vegetables. Where is the meat? Where is it this?

[00:20:33] See how we talk because those are the things that are influencing the way that our children are going to see food and lastly Once the sugar wagon starts it is so difficult to stop

[00:20:46] Right we have to realize how to cut it down and you don't need to keep giving your children snacks What we have to start thinking about is every time we give something to our child ask yourself What part of your body or the child's body?

[00:21:01] Do you want this particular thing to become because everything that goes into your child Has to become some part of this child's body is going to become its brain Knees elbows eyes

[00:21:12] Right some part of it is going to grow which part of it do you want to be like I love telling people this like Which part of it but child's body do you want kuru kuru is to become

[00:21:21] Right, so then you start seeing. Ah, okay. Maybe this is not something that I want to be feeding my child And you become the restriction and then slowly sorry the child stops asking for it as well Yeah, and going even back to what you said right like

[00:21:36] Until then or until your kids have access and I mean it's strange. I'm saying this because my son at the age of six has access to amazon Swiggy and all of that the various apps But still he doesn't have the decision-making power right but until then

[00:21:55] The parents are the ones who are in control. So I think They're having a filter of sorts them reflecting exactly on what you're saying And I love that question that you said that I'm going to definitely repeat it and repeat it beyond the podcast also is

[00:22:10] What part of your kids body do you want this to be a part of because I think that's something really Nice and it also makes you reflect because it's so easy to kind of

[00:22:21] And I think that's one of the things with fast food, right? It's so easy and convenient So as parents crunch for time, you know, your kid is hungry You're not thinking

[00:22:33] Okay, what should I do? You're just like, you know, as long as he's out of my way not Kind of cranky or whiny let's just give him something But if you take that minute and just stop and say hey, what part of my kid's body

[00:22:44] Is this going to be a part of suddenly it changes, right? So I think that's a really great thing And I think children have innate wisdom in them which we Sometimes just completely let go of by saying the other kids. What do they know?

[00:22:58] Right, but they have innate wisdom which we don't fuel Right because either we like say oh, I'm too busy to deal with this or we don't understand the question itself Because very often children ask questions that shatter our own belief systems

[00:23:12] And then we don't have the ability to be patient enough to think about our own belief system Think hey, why did I say this? Why did I think this if I'm saying no zomato for him? Why am I doing zomato?

[00:23:21] Right, they're shattering our own belief systems technically so we need to have that patience to say Yeah, maybe you can learn something here. So so at at the risk of repeating myself and If those have heard the nutrition episode that we did I repeated this example then

[00:23:36] I talked about this example then and I'm going to repeat it here Is my son did exactly what you said and this is I think peer pressure, right? Which is positive peer pressure My wife gave my son cake as a snack and this was during his short break

[00:23:53] He came home that day and said Cake is not healthy. Give me healthy snacks And my wife and I just looked at each other and it's not like we give him cake often

[00:24:04] It I think it was just one of those days we couldn't find something for him can he likes cake And it exactly did it shattered us because we were like wait He already knows what's healthy and not healthy and I'm pretty sure he heard from his friend

[00:24:20] Or from the teacher or something but that entire thing just had us reflect that hey What are we doing right if he's coming and telling us He's six Imagine what he'll tell us once we're slightly older, right?

[00:24:34] And it's only because we feel and and the reason and and if you reflect further you'll feel threatened only because he called you out on BS Yeah, he called you out on your BS, right?

[00:24:43] So the whole fund is that if we stop BSing the children and actually treat them like adults This relationship changes very dramatically because they're just calling out on the truth. That's all

[00:24:54] I mean they have like we have access to so much and we still make those decisions which are quick and easy They have limited access which is us. So obviously they're gonna call out What part of my body you want that cake to become?

[00:25:12] But I want to quickly also talk about the book right because Nadir and I both had a read on the book and I really enjoyed multiple things about the book but to start off with is It's not a gyan because I think there's far

[00:25:29] In many books on that and I don't think we need another book telling you do this do this do this do this do this, right? Because I love the storytelling aspect because in the book where Introduced to a family of

[00:25:42] Meera Avi and their kids Rati and Nivan and it's so nice because I think not only Kids can read it, but I think it goes back to what you're saying. It's also adults reflecting on this and it's kind of like hey Are we really doing it this way?

[00:25:59] What are they doing? And also I like how you've kind of broken it down. So First let's start off with the storytelling aspect At which point did you take a call to kind of make it storytelling as opposed to like the workbook as I kind of

[00:26:15] Simply put it off your previous book So the previous book was a workbook because it was for adults and it had to be I wanted to be like a practical guide for for people to do but I realized that

[00:26:27] For children if there is no story, there is nothing that you can completely put into their mind with Also for me it was an interesting challenge to start thinking about characters, right? So when I was researching how to write for the adult book, I was like, oh

[00:26:42] Fiction authors write and create characters. I also want to learn how to create characters So for me it was that process as well. I was like, I wonder how do we create this person called rati How do we create this person called meera? And

[00:26:54] I love that aspect of it and I think storytelling is something that is just so Engrained as a part of human behavior that if we learn how to use it correctly, you know, we can

[00:27:05] Completely transform the way children pick up things or even we as adults pick up things So for me that was the main attraction towards creating it as a story

[00:27:14] Because it wasn't supposed to be a preachy book and I don't think it has come across as a preachy book at all It very subtly tells you maybe you should do this. Okay. Let me try this. This sounds like fun

[00:27:24] Let me also try it and I think that's the feedback that I've been getting from a lot of kids saying that Nobody's forced me to do this. But now I've made my own habit tracker Nobody's forced me to do this

[00:27:32] But I have now got my own alone time To do these things and I think that is the power of this Now and I want to touch upon the various chapters, right because I'm going to quickly read them out. There's being curious Being patient Enjoying time alone

[00:27:48] being creative making new friends Eating healthy, which we already talked about expressing gratitude and learning to save Why did you choose to pick these because I'm sure Again, this is a long list. Yeah, there was a long list, which I'm sure there's going to be multiple parts

[00:28:05] But why focus on these at least to start off with so I wanted a mix of Three things one is that are extremely practical things for kids right now That was part one I wanted something that would help kids dramatically in the future

[00:28:19] That was part two and I wanted something that was that would dramatically help parents in their parenting behavior So for example alone time and curiosity are two massive chapters for parents so that they don't keep getting that but why but why but why question

[00:28:34] But the kids actually have now the agency to go and find the answers themselves So that was the first one. I wanted for parents to feel like, okay fine. I don't have to you know You know

[00:28:45] Necessarily deal with that. The second is the alone time chapter right many mothers keep saying that I don't get time alone I don't get time to myself at least this helps the child realize that okay

[00:28:56] They can have a long time. I can also have a long time and do something in that alone time So these are the three ways in which I chose the chapters to be divided So gratitude is something that children come That comes very naturally to children

[00:29:10] But they cannot see the benefit now. They will see the benefit as an adult Right so that way is how I structured these habit chapters I'm so glad you didn't say you did like primary research and secondary research and stuff but like

[00:29:25] To me it seems like that right that also happened because I come from a research background No, so rmax consultants and all of that is research But I mean like when I looked at it also right and it's Easily one of the most common

[00:29:39] occurring things that every parent talks about I mean like How do you introduce your kids to money the fact that you know your kids Want these expensive toys which again if we come back we didn't have access to so it's again that lens in there

[00:29:54] So, you know a lot of things when you look at just like Eating habits spending habits are also inculcated from a very young age right and I'm sure a lot of parents struggle with this now especially because it's a complete generation change I think

[00:30:13] If I have to categorize it going back to your example of what you gave of your family We went from a generation that just had enough To a generation that was so focused on a reflection of that saying we need to like do beyond that

[00:30:28] Where the generation? I think who has like an excess I think anyone who looks around the house knows they as an excess and our kids are the generation that I think may maybe go back and teach us because as a result of all that excess

[00:30:42] The only thing that can be a result is that do we really need that much right and they're on that razor blade aspect They can fall one side where they don't value anything that they have around them and then hence get into a feeling of either entitlement

[00:31:01] Or sadness because they'll always be in the state of comparing Right, they can fall this side very fast or they can fall the other way and say why do I need all of this? I want to be minimalistic

[00:31:11] They are on this part and I think it is our job as parents to Realize that one leads to a lot of sadness Because comparison is one of the worst things that you can get into and unfortunately as parents

[00:31:25] This is a primary mode of motivating our kids to do things Look what this beta is doing and look what you are doing. Look what that means You are teaching the child comparison and then you wonder why the child feels

[00:31:39] Less than you taught the child to feel less than all the way through So it's these kinds of little little things that we have to worry about I'm sure you must have done tons of podcasts on the words that you use when you're talking to children, etc

[00:31:50] But it's so critical and I think This is one of the things and I think a lot of people It's a stereotype. I think about therapy that you go into therapy and Just go back into your childhood and blame your parents for a lot of things

[00:32:06] But I feel that if you think about it Everything that we are as adults all that we're doing I mean we're talking about habits but if you just draw the spectrum of all your very being Is all based on your childhood and I think

[00:32:19] That's one of the things both Nadir and I have realized Of doing this podcast for the last close to now three years, right? Is that a lot of these topics not only are we talking to parents But we are also learning ourselves, right?

[00:32:31] And is that awareness that you're coming to that hey Okay, this is what happened to me as a child as well. This happened to be a child as well I mean like we were discussing earlier about so many various things

[00:32:43] You do that reflection but also I think it's how you take it It's hey the attitude of can I undo it? No, but can I now Be a better example for my kids which again comes into what we were talking at the start right of being better examples

[00:33:01] showing them By our own actions and I think that's one of the things I'm a huge proponent of because I feel like Like you have rightly said kids call you out on your bullshit. They don't care

[00:33:13] I mean my son doesn't care that I'm like so many years older than them for him I'm his dad if he doesn't tell me who else will he tell it's that kind of thing, right?

[00:33:22] You know sir, and I'm going to be a little not dark here, but heavy here And it's this thing that we always want to give what we didn't have to our children 100% Now the problem is that we think of these things as materialistic things. I didn't have

[00:33:38] This three in one pen I'll give my three in one pen to my child, right? We're thinking materialistic things But how about things like the childhood trauma that we're carrying?

[00:33:45] Right, how when do we say that this generational trauma ends with us the way that we think about money? For example the way that we think about our health, right the way that we think about Using the words like should do these things. You must do these things

[00:33:59] Right. These are all guilt creating tools that we use in our children You know, um, just two days ago I was at a workshop that I was conducting for entrepreneurs and luckily the entrepreneurs kids were there

[00:34:11] Um everything from 15 years and above. So I think no not 18 years and above So they were just getting into the family business They were getting more aware of these kinds of things and I mentioned this point about the guilt

[00:34:25] Right because a number of entrepreneurial families use guilt to make sure that the children Follow a path like you should be doing this. You must be doing this You must be doing this and it's that same guilt that is passed on to the next generation

[00:34:37] And it is so toxic because that guilt just eats you up from inside so Think about it this way give them all the material things that you want by all means But figure out what you're not going to give them that

[00:34:50] Unfortunately, you're carrying through your entire life because they are then going to have a far happier life with that Wow, I'm going to take a second to reflect on what you said because I think like guilt is a very tough thing and I think like again

[00:35:07] It's like anything that we're discussing so far on this podcast right of feel it's not one day two days one week and reflecting on our generation right we're also that generation That didn't have instant gratification

[00:35:25] Which unfortunately when I look at my son, he wants like for him. He wants that order in 10 minutes Because not for anything else because I when I'm reflecting I'm the one who gives it in 10 minutes, right? I'm the one who said that 10 minutes half an hour in there

[00:35:42] in there One of the ways at least I found helpful is tools and reading up On your previous book right where I realized stuff like just having an accountability partner. It's it seems

[00:35:58] You can I think like again you can make it as complex or as simple as you want Uh, you talked about the habit tracker, which is also very interesting in there, but for kids

[00:36:11] What would you say and especially for all the parents listening right because so far they've listened to a lot of it and they're like Bacip Peter or I should know we can but I think it's reached

[00:36:21] That part also of the podcast where people feel these but what are some of the tools you think where People can actually implement use to kind of stay accountable or What would you say? So there are there are two things here

[00:36:35] One is the kids become the best accountability partners for it for adults Okay, I've had clients who have used their children very successfully to change their own habits Okay, for example sleeping early Right. So the child and the mother decided that they will sleep at

[00:36:52] 8 30 in the evening. Okay, both will go to sleep at 8 30 and they will have their sleep ritual together And the child loved it. Mummy you light the candles switch off the lights

[00:37:03] Do you think we will play this music? We will sing this story something something something and we'll fall asleep together Every time she would not do this. Mama. Why are we not doing our

[00:37:12] And she they would hold the mother accountable in the same way. Mummy you said you're not going to have cake Why are you suddenly having cake? So children become very good accountability partners for parents parents become good

[00:37:22] Accountability partners for children as long as they don't a nag and we give bhaasan Ha You said you were not doing this. How will you become responsible in the future if you said something and you don't

[00:37:35] Full bhaasan. No, you said you were going to have it. What happened? Just remember, huh? Yesterday also didn't do it. But That's what an accountability partner is right. It's not a gyan giver So that way you can be an accountability partner, but children love trackers

[00:37:52] Stars those kinds of things so use those kinds of things at home You know have a wall that you filled with stars for every time the child maybe brushes his teeth

[00:38:01] Have a child wall filled with you know every time he says no to a kuru kure packet or something like that You can figure out what aspect you want as a change to a habit for you to track with your child

[00:38:12] Makes a big difference use your creativity use glitter Right and do messy play if you want With habit trackers. It doesn't have to be something serious

[00:38:22] No, and I think that's one of the cool things right is like because my son is still at that age where it's all about stars I'm wondering what happens afterwards becomes dinosaurs and then it's become sharks So then how many sharks have you made?

[00:38:38] But yeah, because that's one of the things we tried to do with him and I think Like just doing small things because like I said earlier, right like we as parents and I think the expectation is

[00:38:50] I don't know. You want to make it big go large, but sometimes it's these small very effective things Yeah, like like people keep wondering how to do How to teach your child to brush his teeth

[00:39:03] Right and make sure the child can make brushing teeth a habit or some big pain for parents But why is it a pain for parents because they force the child to brush their teeth?

[00:39:12] They don't enjoy or they don't make the brushing teeth part fun. Which is what I tell Parents is that you teach the child how to brush his teeth But the habit is not the brushing the teeth the habit is the child coming doing look mommy

[00:39:25] In your face afterwards. Look my minty breath Right and the child loves that You will love that give the child a cuddle good job. I love that you did this. Oh, you're so nice. Yeah You're giving positive reinforcement

[00:39:39] Right at no place did you guilt the child your teeth will fall off if you don't have it Right, you will get cavities if you don't do these things and that's how we actually try and get the children to change

[00:39:49] Why are the children going to change? Do you think that they understand what a cavity is? Do you think they understand what two takes are you and do you think they can even visualize all their teeth falling out?

[00:39:58] No, they can't but they can easily visualize that mommy's going to give me a hug every time I do hard to Right. So these are the little little things that we have to understand make a big difference in the way that we think about habits for children

[00:40:10] Okay, now since you said you did a bit of primary research I'm assuming you did and you brought up talking to some of parents before What are some other very simple things you think parents get wrong?

[00:40:24] Generally in habits, right and it doesn't have to be something really big But I'd say like if you look at the age group Even up to 6 10, right because even that there's so many different habits that kids form at that age, right?

[00:40:38] I think the two big ones that we did not cover in the book one is the video addiction The kids are having these days, especially because watching tv while eating is becoming the norm now almost right Oh, I can't have time you just watching it

[00:40:53] Right and you're relegating it to that that is one that is happening. The second one is rude behavior Right like why are you being rude to me? And then this whole dynamic that happened between the parent and the child on being rude

[00:41:06] I think these are two aspects of it And both come down to attention seeking behavior The child basically is saying that I want your attention And which is why I'm trying to get be rude to you because every time I'm rude to you, I get your attention

[00:41:20] Correct. It's if you ignore the child when they were rude to you They're trying to figure out another way of trying to get your attention on these things Another terrible one. I think that we get wrong is Withholding love Okay, and using love as a bargaining tool

[00:41:37] I've seen parents saying that why you're not eating your lunch? You don't want mommy to love you like oh That is such a deep hurt right there Right, like how can you even think about using something like this and try just to for one

[00:41:52] Meal that the style is gonna have how many meals is the style gonna have in his life for one meal You're threatening love So you suddenly realize that these words make such deep hurts that then you need to really deal with later on in life

[00:42:06] But the point is that we have to be so careful and we have to create our own habits on how we talk to our child Are you so stupid? I stopped being stupid. Ha ha ha And it was a really interesting thing that happened

[00:42:17] I was traveling somewhere and I was staying with one family and then after seven days I was staying with another family Both families had children But the way that this family was talking to their child was so dramatically different from the way this child

[00:42:30] This one was I used to pay Are come and all the stupid so it would happen and then come come give me kissy Right, so that was one way of dealing with and the other one was so what is it that you feel like having

[00:42:41] Having a full conversation and as an adult to the child adult the child obviously doesn't necessarily reply as an adult But you're still trying to inculcate that behavior in the child. So it was so dramatic to see

[00:42:52] Same age group talking and behaving so dramatically with the parents and the parents behaving with them I mean, I'm taking a stab in the dark here But it's pretty evident where that stemmed from and came from also, right?

[00:43:05] Which is again how the parents were kind of brought up and what they heard and the way the parents talk to each other The way the parents talk to each other the same way the parents will talk to their children Unfortunately, right so all these things like

[00:43:20] We don't realize that we need to baby proof our Our homes in more ways than just putting plastic caps on our electricity Right, we had to baby proof our room homes in the way that we talk to each other

[00:43:31] Those are baby proofing things also. It's not about covering the edge of Table so that he doesn't hurt his head. We're talking about how you don't don't hurt its mind its heart its soul it's all of those aspects and do we teach

[00:43:42] And work together as a team for raising this child in that way And it goes back to again. I'm repeating the point that you made right about We're still that generation that's focused on the material things. So that's just the way our Entire approach things is

[00:43:59] Whether we reward the children with material things Whether we're focused on material things in our house. I mean like When i'm going back, what is the earliest things Every expectant parent does is oh my god, my house is going to be changed now

[00:44:16] The furniture i'll have to change there'll be these things or the focus is always that hey, how what furniture will I buy? How will we rearrange the room like that is the focus

[00:44:28] The focus is not on hey now. There's going to be a third person in our life who If you think about it is pretty aware from a very young age of the relationship between the parents, right? Setting those basic ground rules as to how we communicate

[00:44:43] Right and I think yeah, that's exactly what you're talking about Yeah, because you know we say that it was a life changing moment when I saw my baby in my arms for the first time And I said that I have to become a better father for this baby

[00:44:55] We thought money wise I have to support the child right 100 percent. That was the first thought I need to give this child the education that I never had he has to go to ivy league college

[00:45:03] But did you think about the words that you're going to say the way that you're going to behave? Those are the aspects that will actually make up the biggest Difference or delta in this child's growth than anything else

[00:45:14] Yeah, and I think for all parents whether it's a dad or a mom you totally remember that first moment I think like no matter how old your children are. I mean like even if your kids and their 30s

[00:45:26] I'm sure parents remember that and the promise that you made to that child Yeah, yeah, I mean I when you said that I was immediately transported to the moment. I held my son for the first time. So I know exactly what you're

[00:45:41] Talking about but I have a few questions before I let you go ashton and please humor me Now don't quote me on this one ashton because I know there is a number, but I don't remember the exact number, but I'm sure 180 or 90 is the number where

[00:46:00] You do a certain thing for that many days and it forms into a habit Very simple question. Is that the same for adults and kids? So firstly that whole number is complete. It doesn't exist I've never seen any of my clients get an habit in 80 days 180 days

[00:46:17] On the dot It doesn't exist like that And also I realized that when we become so goal-focusing that it takes 180 days to form a habit So once the habit forms, what will you do? You'll forget about it

[00:46:28] Correct and as a result you stop doing it because you'd be not so serious about it The way I like to think about it is that this habit is now for the rest of your life So you don't think of an end date

[00:46:38] But you think about how you can help that how you can use that habit Sorry, how that habit can evolve with you. So You start a reading habit. I will read two pages a day Okay, or I will read to my child two pages

[00:46:52] Which is also a very good habit to read to your child so the child gets familiar with books Now two pages after a while become easy. So it becomes three pages Three pages will become easy. It becomes five pages. So that habit is evolving

[00:47:03] It's not seeing the same it's not seeing the same old habit that it was That's how I would think about habits. So even with children, it's the same way Whatever habit they're doing. All right. This is now so easy for you

[00:47:15] What can we do that is a little bit more challenging because once it becomes too easy you stop doing it I mean like Because I've been hearing very similar things about working out at the gym, right? It's exactly that. I mean I think

[00:47:30] For us because again, it's visually you see the weights increasing And you're able to work out more or pump more. I know whatever you want to use The term right That makes more sense But I guess what you're talking about is using that same thing but

[00:47:45] The same philosophy with the children right because the best way of teaching a child a habit is to play with the child And that habit right and the play can become a little tougher

[00:47:54] Like even for example, if you're teaching the child to be a little more physically active Instead of sitting and watching tv the play can become a little more active and and tougher So you can always improve the habit and increase it slowly Now again homework for example

[00:48:10] Right instead of forcing homework You start the habit small and then you let the habit grow So it starts maybe just 20 minutes of homework But then you towards the end you're doing four hours of homework. Okay

[00:48:21] Right, so it grows in that way and homework is a habit all kids come home with homework So okay, just break it down for me and I'm just picking on it's something that you said You're saying don't use the goal approach

[00:48:34] What you're saying use a progressive goal approach if if I'm telling that correctly Or how would you term that so you show your goal is the direction that you want to go in which is the direction that I want to

[00:48:46] Give me a habit homework. Should we stick with homework as I have Homework is a good Right, so my goal is that my kid should learn all the things that have been taught in class

[00:48:55] Which is why we do homework. So it is your taught in class now. It's being Redone in your brain. So it stays a little longer Right Now if you suddenly say you have to start doing homework for four hours too much of a change

[00:49:09] The child will not be able to do this But every day for 20 minutes if you're doing 20 minutes, 20 minutes, 20 minutes Slightly it becomes half an hour slightly becomes 40 minutes slightly it becomes

[00:49:19] 15 minutes you'll be reaching one hour in no time one hour slowly become one hour 15 minutes one hour 30 minutes Then you're not forcing the child into homework. The child thinks this is the norm This is how we all do it

[00:49:31] The best is if you're saying I'm going to do my work here. You're going to do your homework here We're doing it together Then the kids also said, huh, mommy also is doing homework daddy is also doing homework So it's not that I'm forced into doing these things

[00:49:44] We get into the problem because we force our children saying you have to do this because I said so Instead of it becoming like doesn't everyone do this That is when the struggle disappears. Yeah, and just paraphrase what you're saying is Normalize not discipline right normalize

[00:50:01] Normalize the behavior normalize the discipline. Yeah, or instead of disciplining them into the correct Not disciplining but normalize the discipline of doing things And actually which is true, right because I think like Anything has to be

[00:50:16] Disciplined. I mean like when I go back to some of the habits going back to the Brushing the teeth thing, right? It's a discipline doing it Doing it for a certain period of time Then it becomes like a second nature To you so yeah, I think

[00:50:32] A lot of parents are taking out a lot from this And at least like breaking it into chunks But I think the main thing is not doing all of it at once, right? Like you have to be patient

[00:50:43] You have to be slow and I think that's the thing that with kids the patience is the main thing that parents have to learn Right. Um, I had a client CEO of a huge company said ash

[00:50:55] I have no idea what to do with my child. He's so slow at everything I'm losing my patience with him like I would want to sit with him

[00:51:02] But like he just doesn't want to do anything. He doesn't know how to do that. I don't know how to talk to my child Right and I was like, okay Start by doing whatever you're doing but have the child be in the same room with you

[00:51:13] You're so little the child will understand you the relationship will form and that's how you begin Right because he was like, I don't want to fall into this trap of not knowing what to do with my child

[00:51:22] That happened with the previous children with this one. I want to be want to make it special So then slowly so you worked on these habits on how you train yourself to be with your child in that format, I mean like

[00:51:34] Simple example of what you're talking is since I've been remotely recording the podcast for so long There was at one point Irrespective of the time Day whatever my son would just magically show up on the Disrupting the episode and stuff like that

[00:51:50] But because he kept seeing me and he knew that hey there's this time He knew that okay. It's an hour or an a half that I'm there He'd sometimes just pop in and say oh, are you recording? Okay. I'll come

[00:52:02] And when you're talking about this, that's how I realized it's over a period of time But if I took the approach of saying that Why are you doing this? What are you doing like it would have completely Could have swung the other way around right so yeah

[00:52:18] Especially the same way that we talk to the children. No, why you're not? They'll come and parrot it back to you And through the lockdown in fact, I taught a lot of parents how to have their children give them space

[00:52:30] Which was telling them that okay. Mummy is going to be working right now every time you see mummy on this chair It means that mummy is working You need to not come and disturb me at this point of time

[00:52:41] Right anything that happens you disturb that person that person that person that person you do not disturb mummy When it's on the chair now mummy does not take advantage of this by sitting on the chair the entire day

[00:52:52] Correct you respect the child also because this is the child's development time You need to spend as much time with the child as possible

[00:52:59] But you at least say that you got these moments of peace or no zoom calls that you're doing or when you were doing your focused work I can keep doing this but a

[00:53:09] Exact example of what you're talking about is probably when I go after this recording home later today My son will be sitting in his office. Do you want to guess where his office is?

[00:53:20] My desk where I sit into work the exact chair because and for me that was a light bulb movement where I realized that he's exactly Mirroring what I'm doing like when he sits on that chair. He acts like he's talking and Exactly copies my wife and me

[00:53:37] Starts taking down notes on his notepad and book and I was like Wow, like if there's an example of mirroring behavior, this is it like in the flesh for me. I think it's Record another thing is that we all create mini-me's

[00:53:53] Right and if you want to create a different mini-me you have to create a different you And that is what the mini-me is going to be Yeah, I think that's another Really good line from you which I'm definitely going to repeat more but Asin you're a podcaster

[00:54:10] So, you know exactly how the drill works we can keep doing this and I really enjoyed this conversation, but Like we had ended on the other podcast where I work on we leave a bit more for the next podcast and

[00:54:24] The reason why I'm doing it because I'm pretty sure like you mentioned earlier This is part one of many books that you're working on so can you tell me if What else you're working on

[00:54:37] Book wise there's a third book that's coming out later this year, which is not for kids but for adults, which is going to be 31 habits for 31 days. So these are 31 podcast episodes

[00:54:51] That have been turned into a workbook that you can actually work on for each of these habits throughout So as the first time author I have no idea how many people have written three books and published three books in one year But it's I think

[00:55:05] So first time publishing three books one in Feb one in July Later on this year. So it's going to be interesting Which is also a great way to segue toward the next question I had is for all those still listening and are

[00:55:21] Really intrigued and or even more curious to know. Hey, I want to get started on this Whether it's the book you wrote first in Feb or the one we're currently talking about how do they get hold of them?

[00:55:34] Perfect. So I think the best thing to do is first follow me on instagram ashtin doc Then all the books are available on amazon. The first one is called change your habits change your life

[00:55:43] The second is the good of the good book the book of good habits for kids If you just search ashtin doctor, you'll get all these books that will come on amazon Obviously since you're listening to a podcast right now, you know

[00:55:55] How the drill works, please go and check out the habit coach podcast We have over a thousand episodes. So feel free to binge listen to them. They're all short short episodes and very bingeable Yeah

[00:56:05] And are you going to be doing any live events? Any showing up anytime soon? We're doing like little yoga retreats and things like that for corporates, but Yeah, so so the whole thing is that whenever we do these whenever the an event like a yoga or wellness thing

[00:56:21] How do we take the stuff that we've learned and then actually implemented in our life? So I spend a lot of time at these retreats teaching people Okay, you got learned all these fantastic things how to calm yourself down now

[00:56:31] How do you actually implement it when you go back home? So that is where I spend a lot of time doing live events like that. Awesome. So For everyone still listening, thank you so much and uh, thank you so much ashtin for taking time out

[00:56:45] Thank you all of this. It was absolutely lovely. I love the conversation For all those of you still tuned in I hope you enjoyed this episode and took a lot from it Why don't you let us know what you think of this episode if you're listening on Spotify?

[00:56:59] We leave the question box. Why don't you let us know on that? And if you want to hear more such chats Why don't you follow us or subscribe to us on the platform that you're listening to?

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[00:57:25] But that's all for me. I'll see you all very soon. Cheers