The Art of Saying No

[00:00:00] Hello everyone, this is Shunali Shroff and this is Kiran Mandral and we are Not Your Auntys.

[00:00:09] Okay, I've arrived at the conclusion after spending a few days with Kiran in Chennai during the literature festival that Kiran may speak different languages.

[00:00:18] You know, maybe Pahari, maybe Hindi, maybe not Gujarati, other, why do you not know how to say no, Kiran? What goes through your head? When someone asks for a favour, you're not dying to oblige them with. I just put myself, you're very right. I don't know how to say no. And this is something my husband keeps yelling at me too. He says, everyone comes and just shits on your head and goes away.

[00:01:43] It's what they want out of you. I need to learn how to say no from you. And I know what they call you asking for an impossible favor that you'd rather keep for yourself. But the tragedies I never asked for favors for myself. I end up asking favors for other people. I know that. I know that about you. So it doesn't matter for me, Shonali, I don't want to sound like some gorgeous person.

[00:03:01] So it doesn't upset you if you have obliged say no but you have no regrets later and you're not annoyed by what's going on or you're not feeling let down and you are giving entirely without expectation then I can completely understand but if you're not saying no because you just can't say no then we need to you know see in terms of... It's like you know

[00:05:24] and says, ma'am, in that year, this era, I've worked for you, and can I have another loan from you? And they haven't repaid that loan from 10 years ago. Then I say, I'm sorry,

[00:05:28] I can't help you now. Okay. Because some people just expect you to always oblige them. But

[00:05:34] those are extreme circumstances. I have started to say no when people invite you to events,

[00:05:42] not private parties, but see, a lot of training to be able to say, I'm afraid I can't. I need to learn that from you because I fib a lot.

[00:07:01] Yeah.

[00:07:02] I do say that I can't make it.

[00:07:03] I'm traveling.

[00:07:04] I have something else.

[00:07:05] Because you're sparing about the art of saying no. Yeah, I used to be like you. I'd go out to my way to make two people who had you know, why new separately. I know you have got me blurb some very famous people from my books,

[00:08:23] you helped me out. Yeah, with so many connects, point, and I hate the transactional nature of what we have become as people. I don't know whether it is social media, whether it is the pace of life, or it is just that we become uncivil as human beings. But that's how it is. And you just need to weigh whether it is important enough

[00:09:40] for you to do what the person asks,

[00:09:42] or you can just shrug it off.

[00:09:43] Would you rather that somebody calls you

[00:09:46] and to get you for not obliging them. And then you become a nasty person when you say no. I think that's the thing. That's why I've learned to say no. I am no longer afraid of what people might say about me, because in my heart, I know why I'm saying no. You know, a lot of times we do think because we don't want to be misunderstood

[00:11:02] or we don't want people to think we are nasty.

[00:11:04] But I think I've reached that stage where I don't care.

[00:11:08] I know I'm not there's a difference between being, you know, helpful to someone who needs your help. And there's a difference between being helpful just because you don't want to say... So, if a book comes to you for blurbing, and I've been sent books that I didn't wish to blurb because I couldn't get past page two, right? And I wanted to pay it forward as well. My book's been blurb, but if you write something difficult for me to say no, it is a character flaw, I think. And I think I'm learning and struggling to say no, it doesn't come from a place of not being want to be seen as a nasty person, because honestly, I couldn't care a damn about what anybody thinks of me. Are you sure? Yeah, it doesn't matter to me anymore. I think once you cross 50, you stop giving all fucks.

[00:13:42] But it's just that I carry over a gentleman has left us because he was in the army. So an officer, he truly was that kind of a noble person. How lovely. Yeah. On the flip, I don't think I'm kind of a noble person. It's just that I get walked all over.

[00:15:03] But here's the thing. I think the kind of things I couldn't say no for was

[00:15:06] some distant cousin's friend is in town.

[00:16:02] writing a bio, I've done these things. My friend has this product.

[00:16:04] So what happened last year,

[00:16:07] someone reached out to me,

[00:16:08] an old school friend reached out to me on Facebook

[00:16:11] that I rarely look into,

[00:16:13] and DM'd me saying that a friend of mine

[00:16:16] has launched a business.

[00:16:18] It's an online, some stationery or some design store.

[00:16:22] And can you write an introduction for a website? said that to you. Yeah and then I'd be counseling people that's the other thing. I feel bad when some you know I may not be a fair weather friend but I'm a bad weather friend. So that's a more important kind of friend. Yeah because I mean perhaps but if somebody's going through a hard time even if they've not been in touch with me I'll go out my way to you know give them a pep talk pump them up somebody will ask for advice I'll give them some advice and they'll go back and do

[00:17:44] exactly what they're going to do anyway and when I realize that I lay down some boundaries with myself and it's a tough learning, but I need to start somewhere. And now there's chat GPT. So if someone called you and says, can you write my bio, you can say. Go to chat GPT. You will not believe the number of admission essays I have written. Really? Yes. College admission? Seriously?

[00:19:02] Yes.

[00:19:03] For friends kids?

[00:19:04] For friends kids.

[00:19:05] But these are good friends.

[00:19:06] Yeah. Some are good friends, some are friends, somebody is somebody.

[00:19:08] Are you serious? for the book. I said, let me go over it. So the poetry was, you broke my heart and left me to cry. And I sat by the beach and every day I did sigh. Oh, Lord help me. Okay. Let us go. Sky was blue and so was my spirit. And there were, I don't know, mosquitoes and

[00:20:20] I found a hit. Okay, I'm exaggerating. Okay, my daughter is a poet, she writes beautifully, we are looking for someone, can you please ask your friend to oblige? It will be on that phone, I'll read it out to you later. So I think I just spared that child future disappointments. And why should I blow up something that has no chance of standing? I'm telling you, in fifth grade, I wrote better poetry.

[00:21:44] Except that once I wrote my father's big whiskers.

[00:21:47] Mr. Lovely is Western based.

[00:23:00] There is no Indian throwback.

[00:23:02] I see that a lot. I don't know why the younger her applications. That's fabulous. Absolutely fabulous. So I'm just saying that it's, but it's all right if she had asked for help. Kids ask to be helped and you have to guide them

[00:24:22] and I'm all for it.

[00:24:24] But just wanting to have a book in your name

[00:24:27] to be able to buttress your bio