Do Our Parents’ Attachment Styles Shape Our Future Relationships?

[00:00:00] You're listening to the Quint's podcast.

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[00:00:43] Fibion who's joining us for the first time.

[00:00:45] This is Not Fine, Thanks.

[00:00:47] Quint Fills Podcast series on everyday metal health and I'm your host, Anishka.

[00:00:52] In this podcast, I bring together a bunch of people to talk about things that we don't

[00:00:55] always talk about, things that make us want to say, I'm not fine, Thanks.

[00:01:02] So we've talked about burnout, bullying, body image issues and so many other topics.

[00:01:07] So go check out our previous episodes.

[00:01:10] But right now, I'm joined here by Aparna and Nithi.

[00:01:13] We're going to be talking about relationships, specifically romantic relationships and

[00:01:17] how our relationships with our parents impacts our bonds and the future adult relationships.

[00:01:25] Hi guys.

[00:01:26] Hi.

[00:01:27] Thank you for having us.

[00:01:28] I want you to introduce yourselves to our listeners.

[00:01:29] So Nithi, do you want to go first?

[00:01:30] Oh, great.

[00:01:31] Hi, I am Nithi.

[00:01:32] I lead the social media and audience team at the Quint on which you're listening this podcast.

[00:01:36] I'm 28 years old because we're talking about relationships today.

[00:01:40] Let me just give you an idea of where I am.

[00:01:44] I was in a serious relationship for almost five years.

[00:01:48] But now I am actually recently single.

[00:01:50] So the disclaimer that I want to really put out is that I'll probably be telling you a few stories related to this topic.

[00:01:58] If I do refer to anybody indirectly, I don't mean any of them.

[00:02:02] I do not mean any harm.

[00:02:04] You know, it's the kind of topic about which your views keep changing as you grow older.

[00:02:09] I think that's what I'm saying.

[00:02:11] I'm just like putting it out there that please do not take offense.

[00:02:16] Yeah, lengthy detail disclaimer.

[00:02:18] I'm so sorry.

[00:02:19] I'm totally going to overshoot my entire thing.

[00:02:23] Okay, moving on to upper now please tell us about you.

[00:02:27] Hi, so I'm APAINA and I am a TV or video producer with the Quint.

[00:02:34] And I am 29 and I am not going to put out any disclaimers unlike maybe I'm going to just go out there and talk about this topic.

[00:02:46] I have not talked about it actually much so I am on like a very different wavelength from maybe right now absolutely.

[00:03:01] I talk about it but anybody and everybody APAINA.

[00:03:05] Also APAINA you are married unlike the two of us.

[00:03:08] Yes, I am married.

[00:03:09] I have been married for three years now.

[00:03:12] Oh yes, I dated him for three years before we got married.

[00:03:17] And you would like to say I'm very, very happy to marry.

[00:03:20] Yay!

[00:03:21] So to begin with, I just want to ask you guys do you believe this is a studio thing that your relationship with your parents or the way in which they interact with you bring you up?

[00:03:30] You bring you up affects the way in which you interact with your partners or I think I like to do the first bit and then I'll talk.

[00:03:41] So I really yes, I do I do think that it impacts and not just like how they interact with us but how they interact with each other because I have seen in my own family like my father is.

[00:03:55] He says everything with my mother and she has two, four, six cents to give about everything even like he's a homemaker and he's a businessman.

[00:04:05] Even like things at work and you know the decisions that he should take like I always imagine that this is how relationships are.

[00:04:13] It's not that they never had flaws.

[00:04:15] They have their own issues that I just like grew up and see as in like my father especially so he has.

[00:04:26] I told them it's also about this when we were talking in office about this that my father has like very angry personality everybody scared of him in the family everybody's like ooh let's not let's not say something or do something which is going to anger him or something.

[00:04:43] The same goes for me because a lot of my friends are like you are the mother of the group but you're also lazy or scared of you.

[00:04:51] I'm like this is what everybody tells you about my father and there's exactly what everybody's going to tell him about my son also and that is something like my brother especially we telling about things that oh your behavior just like your father.

[00:05:03] So then were you looking for something little bit calm or when it comes to your partner because of this I'm just going to rain.

[00:05:13] Yes, yeah that is exactly true and this is exactly how my husband cost him he is like he is the exact opposite and he is always like super calm.

[00:05:27] And you know when I am like stressing about things and like why are you not equally stressing about this why are you not equally panicked about this.

[00:05:35] And does it bother you when people tell you that oh your acting like your father because I know it does because that's exactly the thing that I do not like about my father.

[00:05:44] I'm like I need him to be a little calm and now that especially now that he's older like I see him trying he knows that you know has kids have grown up he cannot do that kind of you know anger and be like hmm you don't do this you don't do that and la la la.

[00:06:01] Because you recognize the senior father I am able to like tell him like you know this is what it is are you kind of able to recognize that in yourself in your relationships and corrected.

[00:06:11] Yes, I remember when I started dating a cost of so it took a very long time but I started noticing that earlier he used to be he used to tell me something and I used to snap.

[00:06:23] And now when he says something to me like oh I want to do this or let's do this all I have been this and you see that he's over here and you know sometimes I listen to him and I'm like hmm okay.

[00:06:36] I'm like really are you not going to get angry? No, I thought you were going to get angry. I said no I'm not what he's like hmm okay so I see these things when he reacts this way like he when he's you know has a surprised look on his face like oh this thing affects you as much as I thought it would and that I take a small win.

[00:06:59] So that was truly commendable. This doesn't happen all the time guys. This happens from time but I think I believe that you know I'm going somewhere with this so yeah.

[00:07:16] Yeah but it's really nice that you I mean overall have a pretty positive relationship with your parents and actually when I was trying to look for people to talk to in this podcast I was having a hard time finding people who have like really good positive relationships with their parents.

[00:07:31] It's nice that you're here so anyway we're going to Nidhiya I actually want to ask you now what is your relationship with your parents?

[00:07:40] I thought is it been when you were growing up what was it like for you? So you kind of laid the groundwork for it because you already mentioned you were having a hard time finding people.

[00:07:48] Jinkyar relations are true in your parents.

[00:07:50] Yes that's clearly I am the opposite of a partner. The relations haven't been bad per se but I kind of have grown up with a sense of detachment because my parents haven't been as in I mean they are emotionally involved with each other

[00:08:08] but I don't know when it comes to our skins or at least to me because I'm also adopted and you know they had me after 12 years of having my brother.

[00:08:18] I am not sure if adoption is the issue or if it's just my personality or their personality at that point I've kind of grown up a little bit emotionally detached in a sense that hugs aren't allowed in our I mean not allowed allowed it just didn't happen.

[00:08:36] Expressing emotions wasn't really like a thing in our house whether it was extreme happiness or extreme sadness like tears were absolute no no.

[00:08:46] But also extreme happiness always came with the thought that let's not be too happy.

[00:08:54] So you know I've kind of grown up detached emotionally that way with my parents.

[00:09:00] When you when that you know the implications of that in your adulthood can go either way so it can either be that you become completely uncomfortable with expressing your emotions and showing affection or you crave it and you kind of overcompensate.

[00:09:16] So you know where do you feel like you've gone to a lot?

[00:09:19] Absolutely the latter. So I am what I've gone towards is a desire for that kind of intimacy in all of my you know relationships in all of my partners often leaving to severe attachment issues like not being able to get out of a relationship where I know that it's not not not going the way that I would want it to but I have been so attached and that are founded by difficult to get out of it despite the fact that I'm financially independent.

[00:09:48] You know I live on my own I don't have to worry about those kinds of issues that a lot of people have to worry about.

[00:09:56] Every time I meet we knew that becomes kind of what do you call it a check box right like that person needs to be emotionally expressive that person needs to be needs to show their emotions needs to show their emotions generally but also through some kind of.

[00:10:14] So in my case like you mentioned I have a similar background maybe not to the extent that you had but where you know showing affection or you know vocalizing your emotions is not something that we grew up doing so.

[00:10:30] For me it's it's translated to like me being really awkward with emotions and if someone is really open about the emotions with me I don't know how to handle that and I don't know how to reciprocate or like do you show affection to others like even if I do feel it and for you where you say you don't know how to get out of relationship because you feel like you really need to latch onto it.

[00:10:52] I don't know how to commit myself to them so it's like a completely opposite you know direction that you've gone from that one place that I find that way interesting.

[00:11:01] One three three very different experiences I'll become to wonder that's a few I also have but I kind of you know I kind of have to make sure that person in an intimate like a public not a public space but at least a private space that person is emotionally expressive vocally but also like in actions.

[00:11:22] Like like a partner talked about you know her father's anger issues and how she finds that in herself and so on.

[00:11:29] So Nidhi is there any like something that you notice in yourself that you do in relationships which makes you like oh shit like this is my parents fault.

[00:11:37] Oh my god I am now really afraid of saying the same what I see so you know I don't know I mean this is I'm just going to refer to this one incident that was really stayed with me

[00:11:50] and I mean I'm not proud of it like all the things that you don't really have a choice on what stays with you when it comes to your any relationships right.

[00:12:00] So once what happened so my dad I mean they're very level headed people both both my parents but my father comes from a very different educational background.

[00:12:11] He has not been privileged throughout his life but he's made sure that he's you know kind of worked hard and become something right.

[00:12:22] And my mom has been a homemaker throughout her life and so my father once said to me that whenever you look for a partner for yourself or you know we look for a partner for you please make sure that you are intellectually compatible because that's something I find missing.

[00:12:40] And I found that really offensive and I told him off and I said oh my god like just why do you have to be so you know rude about this and you know my mom is an extremely kind giving you know selfless woman and for you to turn around I mean he was not in a good mood that day and maybe he would treat a statement like this if I were to ask him about it today and you know completely say that no she has been with me

[00:13:08] through the campaign and it's not a necessary condition but at that point when he said that to me that you know please find intellectual compatibility that has kind of stayed with me for some reason.

[00:13:20] And it continues to kind of I'm always making sure that you know that the person that I am with is intellectually compatible.

[00:13:29] So this topic of equal reciprocation is extremely tough to you as it should be right but you know what would you don't realize it how much of this topic is actually impacted by how you see your parents it directly each other right but it has been.

[00:13:45] So if you are in a way or whether it has been you know somewhat equal or whether they subscribe to the norms of what a husband and wife should be so this comes up a lot in relationships and you know somehow I mean not I mean if it has been unequal like in my case I consider that the you know the emotional investment that my mom put her emotional contribution to the relationship is far greater than then my father's

[00:14:15] and I somehow while I try as like like a feminist as a modern day woman as an independent woman that should not be the case in my relationships and you know many of these are the beginning of the podcast talking about how it's really important for me for the other person to be emotionally available but somehow a lot of my relationships mirror that kind of inequality and I'm always surprised at how that somehow happens.

[00:14:44] Yeah, so I have this theory that you know in every relationship there is a giver and there is a receiver and in my parents relationship that giver has always been my mother okay not always most in most cases has been my mother emotionally and my father has been on the receiving end of it but after I got married I had another set of parents my husband's parents and when I look at their relationship of course they can't be 100%

[00:15:13] the epitome of being the equal in their relationship but they thought of are in many ways many ways they are so when I see them and then I see how it has shaped my husband and then how it's shaping our relationship.

[00:15:30] So I think that's a really nice you know meeting point from their I'm coming from some house he had seen his parent being the equal forces in the relationship and being the equal.

[00:15:42] But also anything else any other ways in which you find your parents behavior reflecting.

[00:15:49] So my dad has always been very particular about things very organized so that quality of always kind of being in control being organized but then they translate into being in control that he has passed on that my father has kind of passed on to me and that does impact.

[00:16:11] So I'm talking about relationship because then that's something that I don't want my partner to come and mess up like don't come and mess up my house like don't leave your things around.

[00:16:22] Oh hi hi sorry I'll be kind of new who I am okay I have to work.

[00:16:31] So I'm the same and I have just like my father also has passed on passes on to me because I am also exactly like you are telling.

[00:16:40] I have the same father either are we person in the middle organized like in my case it's full stand in.

[00:16:49] I'm messy and maybe it's like some better one.

[00:16:54] Oh that you're a rebel.

[00:16:56] A rebelious.

[00:16:57] Yes but yeah so it's gone again in an opposite direction with me.

[00:17:03] But you guys feel like it also makes you controlling like do you feel like you need to be in control in the relationship and if things are out of your control just frustrates you or you feel disoriented.

[00:17:17] So I used to feel like that.

[00:17:21] I haven't even told this to Kasa but yeah when I look back I think that yes initially when this relationship started because I wanted to be so much in control of you know of how things were going.

[00:17:35] So I used to be like the one calling the shots and stuff like that but gradually I think that disappeared because I realize that it's not something that I can do or I am comfortable doing because.

[00:17:53] And I used to do it for some other time but tired also right like always calling the shots.

[00:17:59] It's like you are saying.

[00:18:01] Yeah it is so I don't know but I'm assuming that it's also coming from him very makes you feel like you don't always have to be like.

[00:18:13] I need to yes exactly you feel safe you feel confident and you feel like okay I don't need to like I don't need to be taking you know so much trouble for everything.

[00:18:27] But initially I was and also because seeing my father in control of everything but for him I think it came from the situation and his childhood because he was raised by a single mother.

[00:18:42] My grandfather died when my father was four months old so he has never had a father so he did not know how to be.

[00:18:52] He never knew what fatherhood is or how fathers are you know he's never seen that in his life so when I think that's something my mother told me because I was complaining to her that you know why does he need to control everything why does he want to be in control of everything why does he get ticked off then.

[00:19:11] When something is going you know out of his hands or something is not working as he wants it to work.

[00:19:18] I know you will think that I'm defending him but you have to think that he's never been a father so for him it means controlling everything.

[00:19:34] It means being overprotective it means overbearing and it means you know to be in control of where your child is going I will drop you where you're coming from I will pick you.

[00:19:45] He's not letting you have that space because he thinks this is what he thinks fatherhood is and that changed the way I that changed the way I look at my father.

[00:19:59] And yeah and interesting mention that because you know these are realizations that you have as you grow older and when you have.

[00:20:06] Yeah so fear that your parents are also products of generational traumatism happened to them.

[00:20:14] Yeah which is why as you grow older you kind of start liking them liking your parents if you don't like them initially.

[00:20:21] Exactly.

[00:20:22] You start liking it a little bit more because you're like okay you know you were like this but I can't get it why let's not just make it.

[00:20:30] Why?

[00:20:31] You are essentially emotionally unavailable or you're essentially to you have too much anger or anything like that so nobody's like that.

[00:20:40] Yeah.

[00:20:41] You know it's a situation that shaped them to and as you grow older you kind of start relating to them a little bit more okay okay I get it.

[00:20:48] We try not we try to be like we try like to be like our parents in certain ways and then try not to be like them in other ways but we end up you know somehow imbuying and showing qualities that we don't know you know exist within us.

[00:21:09] And then we which can be which can be traced back to our relationships with our parents and their relationships are of the future.

[00:21:31] Okay so now let's hear from an actual professional.

[00:21:34] I have here with me Dr. Ruksheda Saida. She is a psychiatrist and psychotherapist with over 20 years of experience and she's based out of Bombay.

[00:21:43] Thank you so much for joining us Dr. Ruksheda.

[00:21:45] Hello Anishika thank you so much for having me it's always a pleasure to speak to you Dr.

[00:21:50] It's been my pleasure and I'll be an Anishika and I'm so glad that you guys are doing this.

[00:21:55] So getting right into it I just want to begin by asking you how are you know relationship with our parents shapes the way in which we form bonds when we're older and the way in which we behave or you know act in relationships and also attachment styles as it were.

[00:22:15] So what happens is that you know because our parents are the early attachment figures right that's how we start to think of the world and a thing of ourselves is a way the world.

[00:22:28] So Anishika early childhood experiences we really form our biological base social base emotional base isn't it.

[00:22:39] And when we talk about early childhood experiences we're talking about not only from infants we do maybe an amokabla but right up to my point and even in my teens because you know that a few stand you of different kinds with you can be neglect.

[00:22:57] I'm standing in a real or a perceived aspect of it right if my parent is holding me my parent I can't be very angry with me but maybe I am perceiving that there's a lot of anger and masculinity so that's also a trauma.

[00:23:16] Right so when we're talking about emotional trauma or childhood trauma you know sometimes parents and adults can and schools even we just kind of laugh it off.

[00:23:28] So if you're saying that this was not really just making too much out of it but what we do want you to understand is that a person's experience whether that person is a child or not help is relevant.

[00:23:40] But it's their truth and that's their history and all of what is going to impact it just like I mentioned about the biology the sociality and the emotionality of it so we definitely want to be aware that okay what we say two children or around children is going to be impactful.

[00:23:58] It's going to be meaningful even if we feel that even if it's being that they can't hear or they don't understand or they don't process.

[00:24:06] So you just you mentioned neglect so I just wanted to bring that up how does you know neglect or a lack of affection in one's childhood how does that manifest.

[00:24:22] So so when we talk so like I said the reason I started with neglect is that's one of the most prevalent abuse that we see in childhood and which is most prevalent over looked abuse and childhood.

[00:24:35] The neglect can be of social neglect that oh I don't have access to certain things or the other as a child or it can be neglect of Latino material things or it can be neglect of nutrition.

[00:24:49] It can but you're being I know that we're emphasizing neglect of emotional responses and emotional availability that can be real or perceived.

[00:24:59] So a lot of the times parents will come and tell me that okay my this child is okay with my this child needs a lot of attention.

[00:25:05] Now I tell them okay if your child requires attention more than the other child that's okay because every child is going to have a different need.

[00:25:13] And you complain and say that there is something wrong with the child and they shouldn't beat this much of attention in part wrong with the simulation checks.

[00:25:23] So when we are seeing an avoidance of a certain kind of affection that we may see somewhere else let's say in movies and television or with our peers with no without the children from our school

[00:25:38] and how they seem to be so physically close to anybody not just their parents. So that kind of we see that avoidance in that aspect as a child but could make me emotionally pull away from even if I'm in a relationship right.

[00:25:55] So because I'm going to I'm not going to be comfortable being able to express my reflection verbally or physically and also not accept a physical or verbal expression of affection.

[00:26:10] And that's how somewhere it is so make me like a supremely independent person who you know guards the independence from a very expensive point of view and you know I can like a person can just shut down or that's why we are so insistent on parenting skills and childhood trauma.

[00:26:31] Because if you think skills are going to see to a that those attachment bonds are present and strong and if that happens then if there is some kind of trauma that the child goes through these particular bonds are the ones that going to heal the child and hopefully then also have that child to go into a more emotional and mentally healthy person individual.

[00:26:56] Right.

[00:26:57] Something else that we discussed Dr. Shedhavas how we often see parents attributes reflect in ourselves in the way we behave and it can lead to certain amount of frustration and especially when you're not able to kind of change that or it's something that you especially

[00:27:17] like in your parents and you see that reflected in you so to kind of tie together how would you go about breaking out of the cycle.

[00:27:25] Yeah, that's a very good point that you bring up right first how do we recognize what's going on with us and what may be the possible source of our patterns and second how do we then fix that right.

[00:27:37] So first of all, if you're seeing that okay or somebody especially when you don't know the shape and how to be a bit irritable you have the lack in ability of conflict resolution in relationships.

[00:27:50] If you have issues you know it is a problem so that you go of relationship that there was a toxic pets for whether that's like you know mutually a consensual breakup but you're not being able to let go of that.

[00:28:04] If you feel that you just come close with the minute please get serious that there are commitment issues and you are a safe seal in the mountain list.

[00:28:12] You know when you see all of these things but you feel that although I need to fix my partner or change my partner or make this partner good and you see that only if I'm useful to a partner and then I will be loved and you think that there's a transactional element we have meeting.

[00:28:29] So if you're interested all of these signs could be and I'm emphasizing for the because you have issues with emotional knowledge and intelligence and it could be because of things that you've the emotional baggage that you have from your parents relationship or other relationships that you may have seen or told you from mine of course that you may not know me or not have suffered.

[00:28:54] So what I'm trying to do is that as a adult when you're recognizing these things don't jump to a conclusion, don't self diagnose. That's the first thing I'm going to tell you because a lot of the people will come with a preconceived option saying that this is my problem and even if you're trying to get a no this isn't the problem but the problem lies in the else that focus is very difficult for us to shift right?

[00:29:16] So I feel that our certain issues that you are facing in your current relationship or some people just as a person you might want to definitely see professional help to understand what's going on.

[00:29:29] It should have mental health issues or if you have a lot of life skills so to say in terms of relationships doesn't mean that you can't get up or you can't help yourself get better or be better in other partner and as an individual.

[00:29:44] We end up more and more couples to a region of a couple's helping so it's not about so that you all don't break up no it's about how do you help yourself.

[00:30:04] Thanks for listening guys new episodes of Not Fine Thangs come out every Wednesday so stay tuned.

[00:30:14] you