Episode 7_Assertive Style of Communication

[00:00:00] Hello and welcome to Eloquence Echoes with Tanuja. You must have noticed that communication

[00:00:12] is the key component of everything we do in personal or professional lives when we have

[00:00:19] to share any information, we have to speak to people, share our progress report, collaborate

[00:00:26] with people, getting our work done or just delegating anything to people. Communication

[00:00:33] is the key and that too effective communication. That's why the need to communicate effectively

[00:00:42] is so critical but you must have noticed that not everyone communicates in the same way

[00:00:49] and that's where the ways, the way people communicate, how they communicate and why they communicate

[00:00:56] the concept of the styles of communication comes in. Based on these styles, broadly speaking

[00:01:03] there are four style of communication. One is passive. In this style people are more

[00:01:10] submissive. They are non-confrontational, they accept any decisions without expressing

[00:01:17] their own needs and feelings. Just the opposite is the aggressive style of communication wherein

[00:01:24] people are confrontational, they are often more intimidating and dominating. They express

[00:01:33] their own needs rather they prioritize them over those of others. You mix the two styles

[00:01:40] in a test you with some water shake it well and what you get is a mixture of passive

[00:01:45] and aggressive style which is passive aggressive style of communication. Herein people do not

[00:01:52] express their resistance or their needs of feelings in a direct manner. They do so rather

[00:02:00] indirectly through sarcasm or backhanded compliments. The fourth style and the last style of communication

[00:02:08] is assertive style of communication which is the topic of our episode today. What

[00:02:13] is it? We are going to learn in detail about this style from an expert that I have today

[00:02:21] with me in the studio who is an expert on effective communication. She is Ms Priyanka Arora from

[00:02:30] Delhi. She is an educator and a communication counsellor. She is on a journey to uplift

[00:02:41] Middle-aged individuals to be able to communicate for themselves in their professional and personal

[00:02:47] lives. What a great job you are doing, Priyanka. Very very warm welcome to eloquence echoes

[00:02:54] with Tanuja. Welcome to you Priyanka. Thank you Tanuja. Thank you so much. Thank you

[00:03:02] so much for a warm welcome. Thank you so much. Priyanka I would like to know from

[00:03:08] you and also for the benefit of the audience what is assertive communication? As you have

[00:03:16] mentioned that assertive communication is one of the types of the communication styles that we

[00:03:22] have. And if I talk about all the four that you so beautifully have put up, I would say

[00:03:29] this one is the most effective if you use it. If you are able to come adapt it, adapt this

[00:03:36] into your communication style. So basically I would say inherent features of this type of

[00:03:43] communication is clarity. So in this style of communication, you talk with a clarity and

[00:03:48] a directness. You don't use any vague language not creating any misunderstandings. So you

[00:03:54] talk in a clear and a direct language. You can talk in a clear language and express your words

[00:04:01] in a direct way, not beating around the bush. Another thing which is inherent of this communication

[00:04:07] style is respect and empathizing with the other person. So whenever you are talking in an assertive

[00:04:12] way, you show respect to your listener showing respect to yourself as well. This is in case

[00:04:19] you are talking about any of your needs. You show respect to yourself and talk in a certain

[00:04:24] way where the other person also feels respected. And in this case, in cases where the other

[00:04:30] person is talking to you about any of their problems, then you empathize in a way. If you are

[00:04:36] listening, if you are a listener and you are doing less of talking in a conversation,

[00:04:40] then if you are being assertive, you need to empathize with the other person,

[00:04:44] which will give a message to the other person that yes, I'm listening and I'm understanding as well.

[00:04:50] And another feature of this type of communication is confidence and calmness. So you show a

[00:04:56] confidence to the other person that yes, I'm there. I am completely immersed in this conversation

[00:05:02] and whatever I'm talking about is important, important for you as well as for me. And we

[00:05:07] are going to create a win-win situation out of it. There is no blame that is happening in

[00:05:12] this sort of communication. And there is a calmness as opposed to the aggressive communication

[00:05:18] style. You talk with a calm mind and the choice of words is subtle and quite appropriate

[00:05:26] to the need of the situation. So this is what the sort of communication is about.

[00:05:31] Great Priyanka, you've given in detail and I can very well picture a assertive person.

[00:05:39] Priyanka, how is it different from aggressive and passive style? Could you throw some light

[00:05:46] on that one? Yes, so there are many differences in all these conversations. Whenever we are

[00:05:54] talking, there are various things that matter in our communication. So one very important aspect

[00:06:00] of communication is tone whenever we are speaking. The choice of words is one thing and the tone

[00:06:07] which we are using to communicate is another thing. If we talk about assertive communication,

[00:06:12] your tone is calm and it is controlled. Which is very much in your control and you seem calm.

[00:06:21] And as opposed to aggressive communication where you are very loud, the tone is very high and you

[00:06:28] seem hostile to the other person. You do not send out very positive messages in

[00:06:35] aggressive communication. And talking about passive, passive communication is very indirect

[00:06:40] and vague. As we discussed that assertive communication needs to be clear. In effective

[00:06:46] communication needs to be clear. But passive communication is not very clear because you are

[00:06:51] very indirect. You are beating around the bush. You are not very confident about communicating.

[00:06:56] So this is the major difference pertaining to tone and then respect. As we have discussed,

[00:07:03] that respect is another feature of assertive communication. In assertive communication,

[00:07:09] you show value to yourself. You show values to the other person's boundaries as well.

[00:07:14] You make sure that you are not crossing the line with your words as well as your tones.

[00:07:19] However, in aggressive communication, we all know when you cross the limit of anger,

[00:07:26] we don't know any boundaries. In aggressive communication, there is no boundaries because

[00:07:31] there is no logic in that. Again, on the other hand, passive, it is compromising on

[00:07:37] your own respect because you don't speak out in a confident way. In a sort of you confirm to

[00:07:43] whatever situation you are in and you choose not to communicate completely. Another thing

[00:07:50] we are trying to achieve by this conversation, so there is a certain goal. Every conversation

[00:07:56] is done with an aim in mind. If we talk about the assertive communication,

[00:08:01] looks at a goal which is mutual, a win-win situation created. You talk about the problem

[00:08:10] with the other person and it is solved without the other person feeling that he or she has to

[00:08:17] compromise anything or get disrespected. You create a win-win situation for yourself.

[00:08:24] In aggressive communication, there is dominance. As you very beautifully mentioned in the initial

[00:08:28] part of this conversation, that in a certain conversation, an aggressive conversation is going

[00:08:33] on, you don't care about the other person's feelings. You want to take full control and

[00:08:37] you only care about your needs. However, in a passive communication, as we just discussed that

[00:08:43] the person is ready to confirm, is ready to accept the situation as it is, doesn't

[00:08:49] want to make any change, doesn't want to make an effort to make a change.

[00:08:52] These are the basic differences between all three of the conversations.

[00:08:58] Very beautifully put Priyanka. Now, please let us all know that what are the benefits therefore

[00:09:04] of assertive communication? Because what I gather from your talks is that

[00:09:10] assertive is that sweet spot. A person with this style of communication is confident,

[00:09:17] has clarity in what he or she is speaking, is respectful and is calm and composed.

[00:09:23] So what are the benefits based on these attributes in personal or in work life?

[00:09:33] How is assertive style better than the other styles?

[00:09:39] Right. So this is the style that will fetch you maximum benefits. As we just discussed that

[00:09:44] every communication has a goal. We do it with an aim in mind. And so there is

[00:09:51] every, we need to reach somewhere. We are trying to achieve something from that communication.

[00:09:57] So if you are not able to achieve the end result and the communication

[00:10:01] leave doesn't, is not effective, then it doesn't make any difference.

[00:10:08] If you are working in an, if you are talking in an assertive way,

[00:10:12] it can get you many benefits. Like if we'll talk about the personal front first,

[00:10:17] if we talk about doing assertive communication with your family, with your husband,

[00:10:22] talking about your needs in an assertive way to your husband or to your mother-in-law,

[00:10:26] or even letting the, letting your children know in an assertive way that what is it

[00:10:31] they need to do or not do? What is it that they have run, done wrong? So you need to do

[00:10:36] it in an assertive way. And once you learn to do it in an assertive way over a period of time,

[00:10:42] then it gives you the gift that it gives you is improved relationships,

[00:10:47] relationships with a mutual respect and understanding. You understand the other

[00:10:52] person and the other person will understand you. Which is so important.

[00:10:57] Which is so important. And consequently, and when you start doing this in your

[00:11:04] professional environment, then the person will over a period of time when you do

[00:11:08] assertive conversations with your colleagues or your supervisors, then they will understand that,

[00:11:13] yes, they also have to talk to you in a certain way. Your communication has to be respectful.

[00:11:19] The communication has to be understanding. If you're talking about any of your needs,

[00:11:23] they need to pay heed to it. They need to take it seriously. And both these places,

[00:11:30] if you are able to do this over a period of time and you do assertive communication at both these

[00:11:36] places, then what it results in is reduced stress for you as well as your listener.

[00:11:44] And ultimately, it will create a bliss in your family. There will be lesser amount of stress

[00:11:48] because communication, as we say that is a tool which you can use to beautify your life immensely.

[00:11:58] And another thing that you will, so when you start talking in an assertive way,

[00:12:02] the other person as we discussed that will start taking you seriously. And that means

[00:12:06] that whenever you are talking about any of the problems or any of your needs,

[00:12:10] the person understands and agrees to that if there is value in it. Yes, if they want,

[00:12:17] they have any problem with it, they will also communicate it back. When we start doing

[00:12:22] this on a regular basis, what you receive is enhanced confidence. You get a confidence in

[00:12:28] yourself, it boosts your self-esteem that yes, I know how to communicate. I know how to let

[00:12:34] the other person know about my problem or about my need. So these are the three

[00:12:39] gifts that it can give you. And ultimately, when all these things are achieved, we feel safe.

[00:12:45] It creates a safe zone for you, safe zone of communication. You don't feel,

[00:12:50] you don't have to think many times before speaking your mind out.

[00:12:57] Wow, very well put. So the benefits are numerous. It gives you improved relationships, improved

[00:13:04] self-esteem and reduced stress. What else do we need in our life? Great. Exactly.

[00:13:12] Priyanka, one last question from you about assertive communication.

[00:13:17] What should be the tone and the body language in this kind of communication? What shows or what tells us

[00:13:27] that this is how we need to communicate assertively? Can you give some examples along with the tone

[00:13:35] that we need to use, the gestures or the postures that we need to use in this?

[00:13:41] Yes, the tone that we need to use in this type of communication is a very clear and moderate in

[00:13:48] volume. So aggressive is this, passive is this. We need to maintain that mid-level,

[00:13:54] the moderate in volume. And it has to be very clear as we discussed that you have to communicate

[00:14:00] directly about what you're trying to say. Conveying it with confidence and composure.

[00:14:07] Giving a positive message to the other person all the while that you are talking.

[00:14:12] Your listener in this case should feel in a safe zone so that he or she can listen to you very

[00:14:19] carefully. Talking about the bodily postures, eye contact is highly important. So if we talk

[00:14:26] about eye contact, it indicates a focus and it indicates your engagement in the conversation.

[00:14:32] Talking about an aggressive communication, eye contact crosses the limit. Sometimes it happens

[00:14:37] when a mother is angry at the child. She stares at the child and so your eye contact doesn't

[00:14:43] have to turn into a stare. You have to do it to the right amount. To let the other person,

[00:14:48] you know I'm engaged in this conversation and I'm focused. Another thing, your posture,

[00:14:55] your body, your shoulders should be relaxed. Facing the other person not looking elsewhere.

[00:15:01] Arms should be uncrossed. Shouldn't be crossed indicating defensive behavior.

[00:15:06] Which uncrossed arms suggest openness and alertness. And to make an assertive communication more

[00:15:13] effective whenever you're talking to the other person, you make use of eye statements.

[00:15:18] Use eye statements. This is particularly in cases you're talking about your needs.

[00:15:24] You're talking about something that you need. Make eye statements about a problem if you are

[00:15:28] talking. So these are some things that can make your communication effective.

[00:15:34] Okay, so you mean to say by eye statements, if I have to communicate assertively, I would say

[00:15:39] I want plain water only. No coffee, no tea. Even if someone else says that please have coffee.

[00:15:47] No, I want only water. Right, right. So if you don't want to have anything else,

[00:15:53] the other person is going to spend that time in preparing that coffee for you and then you are

[00:15:57] not going to enjoy it. It is going to create an unhappy situation for both. So be clear.

[00:16:05] So does this also amount to not using you statements more rather than saying why do you

[00:16:15] press me? Why do you do this? Why don't you do this? We should convert from you to I more.

[00:16:23] No, I want to do this way. I like this. Is it so? So that would, as I mentioned that when we are

[00:16:30] talking about a need or a problem that I'm facing, then it is eye statements most.

[00:16:35] If we are talking about a mutual problem, then it has to be V. Yes, you're very right that

[00:16:41] it shouldn't be too much of U. It can turn from I to U to V depending upon the situation.

[00:16:48] Somewhere I, we need to work in a certain way as it is as I am facing a problem. So

[00:16:56] for instance, a person who has to stay back in office for longer hours, she's facing a problem

[00:17:02] over a over a period of time. She would one day after practicing assertive communication,

[00:17:09] she would one day decide to talk to her supervisor about this problem. So a good way to say this

[00:17:14] is that she will have to say, we will have to work out something around it because I am not able

[00:17:19] to stay back after my work hours as I have my personal commitments. So the use of V and I is

[00:17:26] important. Very well said. And the whole feeling behind this statement, we will have

[00:17:33] to work out something together changes the whole vibe of the statement. It shows

[00:17:40] that yes, there's something that we can do together. And it also exhibits, it's also

[00:17:48] displays for me a feeling of more camaraderie between the two people that we're talking to.

[00:17:55] Beautiful. So assertive communication in all that you have said in detail Priyanka and you've

[00:18:02] shown it beautifully. What is it? How is it different from passive and aggressive?

[00:18:07] What are the benefits? And what should our tone and body language be? Thank you so much,

[00:18:12] Priyanka for telling us how to be more assertive. We can change definitely our communication

[00:18:22] if we lie in either passive aggressive or passive aggressive zone to assertive communication

[00:18:29] because as Priyanka has said that it leads to higher self esteem, higher confidence and reduced

[00:18:39] stress. These are the three main benefits. Let us all strive to do this incorporating the right

[00:18:46] tone and the right body language as described by our expert today, Ms Priyanka Arora.

[00:18:54] That's all for you today in this episode. In the next episode, we'll see more about

[00:19:00] further styles of communication. Bye-bye and see you in the next episode.