Quickfire: 4 Petty Letters Of The Ancient World

[00:00:00] G'day guys. Before we begin our first episode of Quick Fire, I wanted to give you a bit of

[00:00:04] background information on what I'm trying to achieve with it. If you're not interested in

[00:00:08] hearing about that, feel free to skip ahead. Since about midway through season 5, I've

[00:00:12] struggled with research creep. I go into one topic and spend a bit too long trying to get

[00:00:17] the story from as many different angles as I can. Now it makes for a good story,

[00:00:21] but it means my episode to take longer to research and write. I'm not complaining if

[00:00:25] the story demands a longer episode, I want to make sure I get it right. But this also

[00:00:29] means my release schedule sometimes gets pushed out. I wanted to release something during the

[00:00:34] interim to kind of tide everyone over, so I came up with the idea for Quick Fire. There are a ton

[00:00:39] of stories I've got locked away that I think are really interesting but don't quite fit into

[00:00:43] the normal Anthology Of Heroes feed. I could try and shoehorn them into an episode like I

[00:00:48] kind of did with our episode on the EMU war, but I don't really think that fits. So instead,

[00:00:52] I hit upon the idea of releasing these as many standalone episodes. If you're a fan of Dan

[00:00:58] Carlin's hardcore history, I guess it's similar to what he did when he started Addendum. But as my

[00:01:03] show is much, much smaller, I'll be keeping these in the main feed for the foreseeable future.

[00:01:07] They're going to be short episodes, around 15 minutes and hopefully I'll have a co-host with

[00:01:11] me for each episode. For today's episode and the foreseeable future, I'm joined by my brother,

[00:01:16] Alexander Gates. Quick Fire is going to be much more conversational than a normal episode,

[00:01:21] it's just going to be unscripted, minimal editing, just a lighthearted chat about some

[00:01:25] interesting funny or just plain weird things in history that hopefully we can all have a bit

[00:01:30] of a laugh at. We've got a few episodes planned already, we've got one about the weirdest battle

[00:01:34] of World War II where Nazi soldiers fought with American soldiers to besiege a medieval castle

[00:01:41] with the help of a French tennis champion. I've got another one written about the bizarre

[00:01:45] life of Ludwig the Mad and a centric dreamer who built the famous Nuschwanzstein castle,

[00:01:51] aka the Disney castle. There's also an episode planned about a German merchant who lived with

[00:01:55] Brazilian cannibals in the 17th century and today we've got a list to call style episode,

[00:02:00] the four nastiest letters of the ancient world. I know these topics and the presentation style

[00:02:06] of Quick Fire won't be up everyone's alley and that's okay, the normal show will continue

[00:02:10] as is and I'm certainly not replacing that with this. I'm planning to record about 10 episodes

[00:02:15] just to see how they're received, if you guys aren't a fan of them they suck then no

[00:02:18] way back to the drawing board no harm done. I'm planning on releasing a good few of them as

[00:02:22] patron exclusives so if you haven't already a great time to join our patron for just a few dollars a

[00:02:27] month. Hopefully you'll tune in and see what you think of them and whether you're a new listener

[00:02:31] or a veteran one I'd be genuinely interested to get your thoughts good or bad once we get a few

[00:02:36] episodes out. Alright let's roll for Quick Fire episode one and just a warning this episode

[00:02:42] contains bad language. Look Bumble knows you're exhausted by dating, Alda must not take yourself

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[00:04:11] Anthology of Heroes presents quick fire intriguing tales from history exploring the bizarre the

[00:04:19] profound and the downright ridiculous all in bite-sized episodes featuring host Elliot Gates

[00:04:26] and co-host Alexander Gates after the show be sure to follow anthology of heroes on your

[00:04:32] socials and check out their website both links you can follow in the episode description

[00:04:39] so for today's episode we humans are petty and vindictive but have we always been this way

[00:04:46] well short answer yes long before tiktok and twitter the printing press or even paper

[00:04:52] we're writing nasty things about our enemies and of course blaming our mother for our own

[00:04:56] faults so in this episode of quick fire alexander and i are going to read through four of the

[00:05:01] most petty lowbrow correspondences between members of our fair race so next time your

[00:05:07] neighbor throws those lawn clippings over your fence or you open up a work email beginning with

[00:05:11] as per my previous email you can text solace in knowing hey we've always been this way so today

[00:05:18] i'm joined by my co-host alexander so say good day alexander hey great to be here i'm excited

[00:05:23] to explore the the grand history of human pettiness with you likewise all right let's get

[00:05:29] into it so for our first letter that we're going through today this is what's known as the response

[00:05:34] of the zafronian cossacks so have you heard have you heard of this one alexander have you seen this

[00:05:38] one before i think i think you've shown me have you shown me a picture of the cossacks i think

[00:05:43] i might be writing this picture i think i but i don't know the full context so please enlighten me

[00:05:49] so in the mid 1600s the ottoman empire was still on the rise pushing into what's now the

[00:05:55] ukrainian region of zafronia and the sultan memmet the fourth rights to them saying quote

[00:06:01] as the sultan son of muhammad brother of the sun and moon grandson and viceroy of god ruler of the

[00:06:07] kingdoms of massadonia babel on jerusalem upper and lower egypt emperor of emperors sovereign of

[00:06:13] sovereign's extraordinary night never defeated steadfast guardian of the tomb of jesus christ

[00:06:19] trustee chosen by himself god the hope and comfort of the muslims co-founder and great

[00:06:24] defender of the christians i command you the zafronian cossacks to submit to me voluntarily

[00:06:30] and without any resistance and to desist from troubling me with your attacks

[00:06:35] sign turkish sultan memmet the fourth quite a list well i i know well with all those accolades

[00:06:42] i mean i can only i mean first of all it's one one hell of a resume can only assume the

[00:06:46] cossacks were completely um blinded by the brilliance of the composer and quickly acquiesced

[00:06:55] and uh and decided to submit i presume that's where we're going with this is that right

[00:06:59] oh of course yeah you know that's that's where the story ends they said yes and gave away the

[00:07:04] territory but uh but uh no no no so they send back this famous response they say zafronian

[00:07:12] cossacks to the turkish sultan oh sultan turkish devil and damn devil kith and kin secretary to

[00:07:21] lucifer himself what the devil kind of night are you that can't slay a hedgehog with your naked

[00:07:27] ass the devil shits and your army eats you will not you son of a bitch make subjects of your christian

[00:07:34] sons but we have no fear of your army by land and by sea we will battle you fuck your mother

[00:07:41] you Babylon scullion Macedonian wheel rice brewer of Jerusalem goat fucker of alexandria swineherd

[00:07:49] of greater and lesser egypt pig of armenia pondolean thief calamite of tartary hangman of the

[00:07:57] camunettes and full of all the world and underworld an idiot before god grandson of the serpent

[00:08:03] and the crick in our dick pig snout mares arse slaughterhouse ker un christen brawl screw your

[00:08:11] own mother and then they they go on to say just in case it wasn't clear that you know this is not

[00:08:17] going to go the way you want it they go on to finish so the zafronians declare you low life

[00:08:22] you won't even be hurting pigs for the christians now we'll conclude for we don't know the date

[00:08:27] and don't own a calendar the moon's in the sky the years with the lord and the day's over

[00:08:32] here as it is over there for this kiss our ass signed kashavi ottoman evan circo with the whole

[00:08:40] zafronian host there's so much to love about that one um i guess you know when you spend that long in

[00:08:50] your in your response talking about in your initial letter talking about how good you are there's

[00:08:55] more opportunities to be torn down i suppose and it's i love the extent to which they made the list

[00:09:03] of insults equal to the sultan's list of accolades i love that it was secretary to lucifer to lucifer

[00:09:09] himself is that one of the fair which is it's funny that he's not even qualified enough to be

[00:09:18] lucifer himself he has to do do menial jobs for lucifer and i mean i'm sure some of his lost in

[00:09:25] translation but you couldn't what couldn't slay a hedgehog with your bear yeah i don't know what

[00:09:30] that was actually meant to me or how it got to that but uh it's so funny and to to to finish up with

[00:09:38] we don't know that we don't know the year like to to not even care about that it's like

[00:09:44] to treat it with such disrespect we're not even going to bother working out what year it is

[00:09:48] we don't know we don't care you're a crick in our dick is just like a concentrated effort of like

[00:09:57] disrespect i appreciate it so much uh do we have a do we have a picture all right talk to me what are

[00:10:03] you looking at so you've got all the cossacks perched around the little table um everyone's having

[00:10:09] a good old laugh that like this guy's expensive you can i just love how everyone's kind of chipping

[00:10:14] in and you can see people yelling oh put this in right this from the back

[00:10:20] Jerusalem in there put that in stuff so and you've got maybe like the what the one guy out of all

[00:10:25] the who can actually write he's like yeah i'm getting it down don't worry oh that's a good one as well

[00:10:30] i've got that one the fact that the guy in the foreground is literally almost rolling on the

[00:10:35] floor laughing like he's thrown himself back with how funny these are he's tearing up it emphasizes

[00:10:41] just how they are not mad yeah this is like a massive joke to them they're not insulted it's

[00:10:48] just like a big a big fuck you um it's a fantastic image and just like the looks of delight on most

[00:10:55] of those people's faces is um yeah it's it's it's a fantastic image did you want to hear my

[00:11:01] first one so i i i tried to look at i tried to look at a bit more i guess a bit more personal

[00:11:06] history and um you know your introduction is is um interesting and it's it's valid because

[00:11:15] it really does looking at these old these old correspondence really does just confirm how

[00:11:20] much or how little has changed and um this is um a letter from a uh sogdean woman to her husband

[00:11:30] now the sogdeans i didn't know this i'm not pretending i have to try knowledge of this

[00:11:34] they were um Iranian people um and i could not tell you when this uh a letter was written

[00:11:41] but uh safe to say uh quite a while ago and this is a letter to her husband who is away at the time

[00:11:48] and uh the letter follows behold i am living badly not well wretchedly and i consider myself dead

[00:11:59] again and again i send you a letter but i do not receive a single letter from you

[00:12:05] and i've become without hope towards you my misfortune is this that i have been in

[00:12:13] du hang for three years thanks to you and there was a way out a first a second even a fifth time

[00:12:22] but he refused to bring me out surely the gods were angry with me on the day when i did your bidding

[00:12:31] i would rather be a dog's or a pig's wife than yours just a very very very unhappy woman it's

[00:12:41] just such a perfect insight into um ancient Iranian marital distress um the fact that she

[00:12:49] begins it with behold i am living it's like yes i'm still here thank you very much despite your

[00:12:54] best effort and the fact that she mentions there was up to five times that that that she could

[00:13:02] have been bought out of this i imagine a shithole of an ancient city but but he didn't allow it

[00:13:09] to do it yeah at the same time i sympathize with him because i'm like yeah kind of i don't know

[00:13:14] how much time i want to spend with this woman either to be honest i mean that could be something

[00:13:18] out of like everybody loves deba writing to raiment or you know my kids literally al's wife writing

[00:13:26] i guess we assume you know that like back in back in the you know the good old days of you know

[00:13:32] where 2000 bc like you know women had a healthy respect for their husband but no they didn't

[00:13:38] they like men were complete bastards who tried to like get away from every chance they can

[00:13:45] and this woman for example was really really not going to put up with it and was not afraid to

[00:13:49] complain about it i just love the the the slice of life that provides to to this ancient um this

[00:13:55] ancient couple yeah i enjoyed that i don't think people start enough letters with behold anymore

[00:14:01] you know it really gets your attention you know it gets you thinking okay this person's got

[00:14:05] something to say yeah i appreciate that um behold i am living it's like oh you're

[00:14:11] still here thank you very much i love it i love it so much what else you got for me

[00:14:17] right so we are going back now to 1750 bc no roman empire no alexander the great

[00:14:24] abraham had only just made his covenant with god uh pyramids will probably still be covered with

[00:14:29] that nice marble you sometimes see in illustrations right so quite some time ago in the little city

[00:14:34] of lasa which is today part of iraq almost 4 000 years ago a student likely living away from home to

[00:14:41] study writes back to his dear mother inu and he says quote oh sorry zinu not inu zinu says tell the

[00:14:50] lady zinu it in sin sends a following message may the gods shamesh mardak and illabat keep you

[00:14:58] forever in good health for my sake from year to year the clothes of the young gentleman here

[00:15:03] become better but you let my clothes get worth from you to year indeed you persisted in making my clothes

[00:15:09] poorer and more scanty at a time when in a house wool is used up like bread you've made me poor

[00:15:15] clothes the son of adan idinam whose father is only an assistant of my father has two new sets

[00:15:22] of clothes while you fuss about even a single set of clothes for me in spite of the fact that

[00:15:28] you bore me and his mother only adopted him his mother loves him while you you do not love me

[00:15:36] imagine lady zinush slaving over away from a hot stove you know there's probably not for an

[00:15:42] ungrateful husband as well to go with her a grateful son and the servant brings out this

[00:15:46] lovely little letter to to open but i've probably set several ungrateful sons the i mean i don't

[00:15:53] know does this guy strike you as someone of wealth or is he is because like you think if he's if he's

[00:15:58] wealthy i don't know he his mother would be out of afford nice clothes um or is he poor and that's why

[00:16:05] like that's why clothes are such a big issue i can't imagine i don't i he's very he's a very

[00:16:11] spoiled young man i think it's yes so i mean you really get the sense that this comes from

[00:16:15] the heart because once he wrote on the tablet he spilled off onto the other side of the

[00:16:20] tablet kept writing and then when he filled up that tablet he wrote on the sides of it to

[00:16:25] keep going just to really let her know you know how much how much the way i was he was he was

[00:16:30] determined to to let his mum know how dissatisfied he was with his with his clothes and i like the

[00:16:36] comparison that his friend who was adopted even gets better better clothes than he does i read a

[00:16:43] line while looking up for it the average kind of normal garments would take about three months to

[00:16:48] purchase and dye and weave and for finer garments that would take an entire year assuming his mum's

[00:16:54] making it it's not like you can just go on asos or sheen and just you know buy a couple more his

[00:16:59] mother's probably got 12 or 13 children all of which have their own needs and desires and

[00:17:05] unfortunately she can't prioritize giving you a new set of clothes and and not letting them become

[00:17:11] spindly or whatever whatever he said what's his name?

[00:17:14] It didn't seem. It's very yeah it's a very very naughty boy and actually on that topic it leads

[00:17:21] very well into my into my second letter because whereas you honored the the time old tradition of

[00:17:30] young boys being rude to their mothers my second letter is a young boy being rude to his father

[00:17:36] this is a letter from Theon to his father and this would have been an ancient

[00:17:42] Theon Greyjoy? No no not quite because Theon Greyjoy was a fictional character from the series Game of

[00:17:47] Thrones and oh yeah yeah yeah think about it um yeah because the dragons were a giveaway

[00:17:53] true but um so this is from ancient Greece and he's is writing to his father who has just

[00:18:01] traveled to um Alexandria which was at the time a very exciting busy metropolis one of the

[00:18:08] biggest cities um in the empire. Theon to his father Theon Greetings it was so nice of you

[00:18:16] not to take me with you to the city if you refuse to take me with you to Alexandria I won't

[00:18:22] write you a letter or speak to you or wish you good health so if you go to Alexandria

[00:18:29] I won't take your hand or greet you ever again if you refuse to take me this is what

[00:18:35] will happen and my mother said to Acleus that he is upsetting me take him away it was so nice of you

[00:18:44] sending me these great presents just rubbish they put me off the track for the 12th the day when

[00:18:51] you sailed well then send for me I beg you if you don't I won't eat I won't drink there

[00:18:59] I pray for your health Theon yeah I love the complete different changes of tone the fact that

[00:19:07] he goes from like such biting sarcasm you know it was so nice of you not to take me with you to

[00:19:14] the city too I beg you like he really really really wants to go to Alexandria you know

[00:19:22] I feel bad I mean I would too poor guy just wanted to trip out and you know like

[00:19:27] the dad it sounds like he probably could have taken him with him but he doesn't sound like a

[00:19:30] very good son to have on a long journey telling me I don't know who Acleus is in the letter I'm

[00:19:36] some have speculated it's a like a sibling of his so when he says and my mother said to Acleus

[00:19:42] that he is upsetting me take him away implying he does not really wants to go to Alexandria if

[00:19:47] that if that doesn't work please take my annoying sibling away from me because he's upsetting me I

[00:19:52] just love back that this kid was left I mean clearly he's wealthy or educated enough to write this

[00:19:58] letter himself you know the mix of tensors and the completely the tonal shifts that he goes through

[00:20:04] suggests that it was actually written by him you know it wasn't you know written by a tutor

[00:20:10] or something so he's smart enough to write it and he just writes what's on his mind and the fact

[00:20:15] that he's got the audacity to say it was so nice of you sending me this great presence just

[00:20:21] rubbish just kids throwing a temper tantrum when they don't get what they want it is a

[00:20:26] is an ancient tradition and I love that we do still have these you know not everything is

[00:20:31] is grand statements and official correspondence sometimes it is just this slice of life stuff

[00:20:37] that that just illuminates how human beings really haven't changed that much in thousands of years

[00:20:43] the most interesting thought to me is that these people particularly these two are in

[00:20:47] grateful sons that 2000 4000 years later some of these correspondences some of the only records

[00:20:54] of their civilization and they could if they could only see that 4000 years later that's a record

[00:21:00] we've got it not just of him not just of his family not just of his town but as a

[00:21:04] entire civilization you know a civilization full of art and politics and achievements

[00:21:10] and great men and yet the only proof we have existed is some shitty little snot nose punk

[00:21:17] yelling at his mother for not making his clothes correctly it's a it's a it's it's it's it's akin

[00:21:22] to you know our civilization being discovered in like 4000 years and and Jake Paul TikToks are

[00:21:28] like the only thing that like that like exists you know it's like the very the very lowest

[00:21:34] examples of humanity is all the proof we have but i'll be a very interesting and that is all

[00:21:40] we've got time for today thanks for listening to our very first episode of quick fire we've got

[00:21:44] more of these in the works with several planned exclusively for our patron members if you're not

[00:21:49] a member already you can check out our patreon via the link in the show notes thanks a lot and see

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[00:22:26] i'm ken harbaugh host of burn the boats from evergreen podcasts i interview political leaders

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