229 : The ULTIMATE hack to become a BETTER communicator. | Matt Abraham (Author)

[00:00:00] In a few weeks, the ULTIMATE hack is not a presentation of the pitch. It's really those spontaneous moments answering questions giving feedback and making small talk. That's what happens most for us in communication. Phone the moment and own the room. Remember the interrupts?

[00:00:16] You have to say, excuse me, I was still talking or there's still more I need to say. And then so doing, you actually maintain a little bit of your credibility and the floor. So by being big, we pull our shoulder blades down.

[00:00:29] We make sure that when we gesture, we gesture beyond our shoulders. This makes you look big. Nervous people make themselves small. So you want to be big. Content being concise in the year. Many of us say more than we need to.

[00:00:42] When we're put on the spot and if we can be concise and clear it really helps. So those are the six steps there is no right way to be an only better and more spraised.

[00:00:51] Instead of striving to get a right, we do need to focus on just getting it done. Hey everyone, welcome to the start of operator podcast. I'm Roshan Karayappa.

[00:01:01] I discovered Matt Abraham's work a couple of years ago when I was trying to look up resources for being a better communicator. Matt is an expert in communication and a professor at Stanford whose work has benefited thousands and thousands of people across the world including yours truly.

[00:01:19] We're going to talk about some of these frameworks and methodologies as applicable to start-ups and founders and leaders on this podcast. I'm sure you will find this valuable. Also I'd highly encourage that you check out Matt's book, Think Faster Talk Smarter and his podcast, Think Fast Talk Smarter.

[00:01:37] Really there's a lot of value in there and definitely useful for start-ups folks. All right without further ado, here is Matt Abraham's on how to be a better communicator. Hey Matt, thank you so much for being on the start-up operator podcast.

[00:01:59] Like I mentioned, I've already worked for a couple of years or more. I've benefited immensely from all of the things that you've shared and I've learned a lot. I'm looking forward to kind of delving deeper today. So Matt, could you tell us about your six step methodology?

[00:02:17] I mean if you could lay out the concept for our listeners and we could delve deeper into some of those concepts as we move on. Excellent. Well, very excited to be here with you today. Thank you for the opportunity.

[00:02:29] And I'm excited to share the steps involved in the Think Faster Talk Smarter methodology. Essentially, it's all based on the fact that, you know, the most frequent type of communication we do is not planned. It's not the presentation of the pitch. It's really those spontaneous moments answering questions,

[00:02:46] giving feedback, making small talk. That's what happens most for us in communication. So I am all about trying to help people do better at that. And the methodology I came up with is a direct result of some of the challenges that

[00:03:01] our students at the Stanford Graduate School of Business were I teach were having. They were being called upon by their teachers to respond right away. Something we call a cold call, where the teacher would say, what do you think and the student has to respond?

[00:03:13] And our students who knew the answer were very bright, just couldn't respond in a really effective way. So I was asked to try to help as the communication guy at the business school. And as a result, did a deep dive into psychology, anthropology,

[00:03:29] neuroscience, even improvisation and came up with a six step methodology that we have been using with our students for over eight years now. And they report feeling more comfortable and confident. Our professors say it works better.

[00:03:41] And it turns out this same methodology works for all of us who are struggling to communicate effectively in the moment. So the methodology is comprised of six steps for which the first four have to do with mindset. And the second two have to do with messaging.

[00:03:59] So when it comes to mindset, the first step has to do with managing anxiety. For most of us speaking in the moment or even plan is full of anxiety. And we need to figure out how to manage that. So I walk through steps to manageable symptoms and sources.

[00:04:15] And the second step is to do with changing how we approach our communication rather than striving to get it right. And there is no right way to communicate, only better in worse ways. Instead of striving to get it right, we need to focus on just getting it done.

[00:04:30] In other words, focus on connection rather than perfection. Step three is about seeing these spontaneous speaking situations as opportunities. Not threats. Many of us when we're asked a question or asked for feedback.

[00:04:44] We get very defensive and the best way to manage that is to really lean into the opportunity, present it to you to connect to collaborate. Step four is about listening. It's really hard to respond in the moment if you aren't listening well to understand what's truly needed.

[00:05:00] And then step that moves us away from mindset into the second last two steps, which are messaging. Step five, first of the messaging is to use a structure. Structure is a logical connection of ideas. Many of us when we speak in the moment just list or itemize ideas.

[00:05:20] And our brains are not wired to intake lists of information. So rather a structure, a logical beginning, middle and end can really help. And then finally, the last step in the whole process is to be focused to really have your content be concise and clear.

[00:05:36] Many of us say more than we need to when we're put on the spot and if we can be concise and clear it can really help. So those are the six steps that's a little history of the methodology, the first or mindset, the second two are messaging.

[00:05:49] Fantastic. Fantastic. I think a significant percentage of the times when we're asked to speak. I mean, it's about the things that we already know, right? I mean, it could be hey, what do you do at work or it could be something related to that, right?

[00:06:03] So I think one thing that you also mentioned is to prepare for such a scenario, right? I mean, it's to have your stories in place. And you have a couple of different frameworks as well. The water, so what now what framework and also the, you know,

[00:06:18] talk about structuring a pitch a certain way. Now, for startup founders or operators leaders who are listening in most of the time there are asked to explain, you know, either what their startup does or, you know, what do they do specifically at the startup, right?

[00:06:33] So for someone like this, how would you, how should they structure their messaging so that it's not too much, but it's just enough to sort of create some enthusiasm and interest. Yeah, well, let me share for you a couple things and answer to that question.

[00:06:48] So finding the right amount of information is definitely important and we have to figure out how to make sure that we don't say too much or too little.

[00:06:57] And the best way to start is to really think about what is most relevant to the audience you are speaking to. Once you understand relevance, you can really focus your messaging on those points.

[00:07:10] So the thing that helps us be focused is understanding what's salient important and relevant to the audience. That's step number one. Step number two is to leverage a structure that can really help. Now as startup founders, you're constantly pitching your business to perspective new employees,

[00:07:25] perspective new clients, perspective new customers. So having a structure can really help and I have a wonderful structure I really like for quick pitching 30 second elevator pitches just finish these four sentences.

[00:07:41] The first is what if you could the second is so that the third is for example in the fifth is and that's not all what if you could so that or example and that's not all. If you leverage these four sentences, you can put a pitch together.

[00:07:58] Let me give you a pitch for my book and then I'm going to ask you to pitch your podcast in these structures. So little bit of a warm call. No, I'm going to ask you to do this.

[00:08:06] So what if you could communicate confidently and clearly in all spontaneous situations so that you can get your point across and connect with your audience. For example, you could give a toast or introduce yourselves with ease and that's not all.

[00:08:22] You learn how to apologize, fix mistakes, answer questions and even make small talk. Do you hear how answering each one of those questions knowing what's important for my audience can help me be more persuasive in my pitch? So let me turn it to you.

[00:08:37] I'm going to give you the prompts and you just walk through for your podcast. Let's hear how you might pitch your podcast. So go ahead and finish these sentences. What if you could?

[00:08:46] Listen to all of the startup wisdom that's available to you in the least amount of time. Awesome, so that so that you could apply these insights every day at work. For example, this is where you give a very specific example of some insight that people might have gotten.

[00:09:05] For example, you might want to know how to go from zero to one million dollars in sales or how to hire your first VP of engineering. And that's not all.

[00:09:16] And that's not all, you could also connect with other founders, leaders and operators in the ecosystem and learn and share. There you go. How do you think is that a good way to pitch your startup? Yeah, that's amazing. podcast. That's really nice.

[00:09:32] I mean, it makes a lot of sense. It's very coherent. So yeah, that's fantastic. That's fantastic. Right. So, you can apply some of this stuff to be really helpful to everybody using a structure thinking about salience. What's relevant that really can help you. Awesome.

[00:09:52] So a couple of fears that people normally have is one would be that they kind of hit a cold, cold attack, right? I mean, they they, they amble their way through the middle of a sentence and they can't find the words to sort of complete that.

[00:10:07] You know, what would you say they should do at that point of time is there like other two or three things that they should do? To manage anxiety. Just to be able to complete their sentences and so on. Yeah.

[00:10:22] Right. So if you're in the middle of speaking and you forget what you want to say next a couple things. One structure will help you. If I'm using a structure like problem solution benefit, that's the most common way advertisement is done.

[00:10:35] And I blank out. All I have to say is, oh, I just talked about the problem. I know solution always follows the problem. So having a structure helps you avoid forgetting.

[00:10:45] If you're in that moment and you do forget then what's really important to do is to go back to go forward, repeat yourself, going back to what you just said and then speak again.

[00:10:56] So if you lose your keys how do you find them? You usually retrace your steps. So by going back to go forward you can find your way and you might say, well, isn't that weird that I'm repeating myself? It's not. It can actually really help.

[00:11:11] So the third way is if you really blank out and you just can't remember what to say and repeating yourself doesn't help and the structure isn't getting you where you need to be. Pause and ask your audience a question relevant to what you've been saying.

[00:11:24] So when I teach sometimes I'll forget what I want to say next and I'll just stop and for my students I'll say, let's pause and I'd like for you to think how can you apply what we've just talked in your lives.

[00:11:35] My students don't think oh, Matt, forgot they think about the question and while they're thinking about their answers, I can actually take time to figure out what I need to do. So have a structure that will help you from forgetting.

[00:11:48] If you do forget repeat what you just said that a lot of things get you on from back on track and then finally have a question at the ready that you can ask to help yourself. Awesome, that's very useful.

[00:11:58] The second fear is let's say a high stakes scenario, right? I mean imagine if you will that you're pitching an investor, right? Someone, let's say particularly intimidating like perhaps you know we know the course lord someone of that sort, right? Yeah.

[00:12:16] So there is a certain fear that your overcomb by, right? I mean that this person I'm talking to knows everything about what I do and has very little time and can kind of make our break my business or my destiny, right?

[00:12:31] So how do you sort of center yourself in that kind of a conversation and still do your best? Well, so rather than making it about you make it about them, many of us are made nervous because we think of all the things that could go wrong for us.

[00:12:47] But in fact, if we think about instead reframing it to be about our audience what they need, the value we bring to them, that takes a lot of pressure off of us.

[00:12:57] But it's not about them judging me, it's about me providing this useful content. The reason the VC is listening to you or the potential prospect is listening to you is they believe you can add value for them.

[00:13:09] And if we remind ourselves that they're listening because they want some value that takes pressure off because we have something to give them.

[00:13:16] So a great way to deal with those situations is to remind yourself that you're bringing value to the situation and that can help a tremendous amount. I use this all the time to help me manage my fear.

[00:13:27] Right? Yeah, just thinking that there is something that you could tell them that they perhaps don't know about our haven't heard before, right? Which is why they've chosen to invest their time in the first place.

[00:13:41] This the third sort of a fear or rather apprehension that people have is about verbal ticks.

[00:13:49] So these could be of fellow words and whatnot and god knows I've perhaps used a dozen or more of these in our conversation right now, but people tend to stammer, starter or use things like, um, okay, right? And those kind of things, right?

[00:14:05] Which is I think to a limited degree, it's fine. It humanizes the conversation, um, but it can get a little overbearing or irritating if it is very repetitive. Are there any techniques that you suggest to sort of moderate these?

[00:14:20] Yeah, so first and foremost, it's normal and natural to have those types of things in our speaking. We don't speak perfectly fluently. The problem is when they become very distracting and they distract people away from what it is that we're trying to get across.

[00:14:37] So when we do the umzanas that actually interfere with people figuring out what's going on, then it becomes a big issue.

[00:14:47] And so how do we eliminate these? Well, two primary ways. One we have to become aware of the fact that we're doing them in the single best way to become aware that we're doing them is to actually

[00:15:00] um, notice them. And the way to do that is the leverage technology. There are tools you can get on your phone that will beep buzz and vibrate every time you use one of these filler words.

[00:15:12] You also can get plug-ins for zoom, team, meets, things like that that will do something similar. So there's actually technology that will alert you to when you're doing it. So you can actually become aware and conscious. Oh, I'm doing it there and sometimes I'll even find patterns.

[00:15:28] So you might notice that you tend to do these things in certain situations and circumstances. So it might be that I worked with somebody who we found he did it.

[00:15:38] He used a filler word every time before he used a technical term, which was a gift for him because he was able then to monitor when he was using a technical term.

[00:15:49] And that would allow him to be mindful and help him not not say the filler words. The other way to do it is to really work on your breathing.

[00:15:59] The filler words that are the most bothersome are the ones that come between phrases or sentences. So when I'm done speaking, um, and then I start speaking again, that's a big one and we all hear that.

[00:16:12] But if I were able to not say that, it would help you. It would help with the fluency. People would understand it better. It's a much better way to go. So we need to make sure that we land our phrases completely out of breath.

[00:16:27] So when I'm done speaking of phrase, I make sure I have no more breath. Which means I have to inhale and in that inhale, I cannot say anything. So I build in a pause and I get rid of the filler words. So two ways to do it.

[00:16:39] Awareness building through apps and tools. And then a second way is to control your breathing so you land your phrases. You're out of breath when you're done speaking. Doesn't mean I'm quiet. I'm just out of breath. I inhale and speak again and that can help.

[00:16:53] Yeah, I notice how you summarize your answers at the end and that really, really helps. I think that's something that all of us could emulate as well.

[00:17:03] Let's say you have all of this together, but then you're met with, I wouldn't say someone who's combative, but someone who breaks your flow, right? Interrupts your flow. This could happen. Let's say in meetings with many different people or it could happen, you know, one to one where,

[00:17:22] somebody is a little more enthusiastic than you expected, right? And they're sort of contesting whatever you said or they want to dig deeper into whatever you said before letting you finish, right?

[00:17:33] In these kind of situations, what is the best way not to be defensive? Not to sound like a, you know, like a broken gramophone and sort of like go back to the same words and the sentences and sort of a rehearsed line as such.

[00:17:49] How do we be, how can we be spontaneous in this kind of a context? Yeah. So first and foremost, thank you for acknowledging that at the end of my sentence as I review,

[00:18:00] I do that on purpose. I think that's important for people to get a second chance to hear my summary of what I've said.

[00:18:06] It's a skill I've developed as a podcast host on my podcast thing, Fast Talk Smart. I try to paraphrase and button things up when we're done. I find that it, that it helps a lot. So thank you for noticing that.

[00:18:20] So when somebody interrupts you or tries to dominate or demonstrate that they're better or more knowledgeable than you are, that can be really frustrating.

[00:18:28] So first, you need to own the moment and own the room and what I mean by that is if somebody interrupts, you have to say, excuse me,

[00:18:36] I was still talking or they're still more I need to say. And in so doing, you actually maintain a little bit of your credibility and the floor.

[00:18:46] If somebody is talking, you say, are there any questions when they start talking and throwing things at you? So you've actually invited them to say something. That's where I think we can really leverage paraphrasing.

[00:18:56] paraphrasing to me is one of the most important tools that we can use to really shut people down. paraphrasing is where you extract some key meaning or idea from them and then you comment on it and pull it away. So let's imagine I say, are there any questions?

[00:19:13] And you start rambling and explaining how my position is wrong or doesn't make us much sense. It's not as effective or efficient.

[00:19:19] And I might interrupt and simply say, efficiency is actually something that's really important. And in fact, in the next part of my presentation, I'm going to talk more about it. So do you see how I took something you said, gave credence or credibility to it?

[00:19:33] And then I took the control of the conversation and moved it to where I needed it to be. To my mind, it is the most polite way that I know to manage that situation.

[00:19:46] I heard this quote sometime that most people listen with the intent to reply and not the intent to understand. I think that is a key element to this as well, right? Because if you actually think that someone you're talking to may have something to say,

[00:20:03] that you don't know about, you would pay more attention to that as well. Listening is critical. Listening is critical. Yeah, and most of us don't listen well. We listen just enough to get the just or idea of what somebody's saying, and then we move on.

[00:20:17] So we need to listen more intently for sure. And we need to really make sure that others listen to us really important to do. Right? So as a startup founder or you know, a leader, you know, you often have to deliver bad news.

[00:20:35] You know, that is a, it's got a certain tactic to itself. Right? I mean, there's a certain method to that as well. I see that there are certain people who can deliver bad news way better than some others who can't even deliver, you know,

[00:20:50] half something, half as bad as that. Right? So how do you deliver bad news effectively? Yeah, you know, it's, you're asking is if there's a right answer?

[00:21:03] It's hard. It's hard. So again, as with any message, you want to make sure that you understand what's important to the person in the moment and what's important for you.

[00:21:16] So in getting any feedback, negative or positive, we really need to think about what is the critical thing I'm trying to get across and be very clear on it. And then make sure that you see the situation, I always see these situations as invitations to problem solve.

[00:21:31] So it's not just me telling you something and then you have to react. That puts us in a very strange relationship. But if I see it as an invitation for us to work together to solve this problem, then it changes my demeanor.

[00:21:44] I'm going to define what the issue is. I'm going to tell you how it impacts me or the team. And then I'm going to actually make an invitation to invite you to work with me to actually try to solve the challenge or the issue.

[00:21:57] So I encourage everybody to focus on these challenging situations as invitations to problem solve and the question becomes what's the invitation you're going to make. So is it going to be, what can we do to make sure you show up on time?

[00:22:11] Or what can we do to reprioritize your activities to help you better focus on what's needed? So that's the way I would frame those situations. Right? So that's far I think we've talked about situations where it's one to one or let's say one to few.

[00:22:26] But if there is a situation where you're addressing a large gathering for instance, right? People are, you know, never quite use to this, right? I mean they're not used to their wise carrying on the mic.

[00:22:38] They're not quite, they don't know what to do their hands for instance, right? I mean do, you know, should you keep it in your pocket, should you have a tide, or should you keep it behind? They don't know who to focus on, right?

[00:22:49] I mean do I look at someone in the front row, do I just look at, you know, just the horizon, so on and so forth, right? Now you've had situations many times where you've had to address a large gathering.

[00:23:02] What are some three or four things that you do that we could sort of emulate as well? Well, thank you for the opportunity. Yes, I have spoken in front of many large groups. And I coach people who speak in front of even larger groups.

[00:23:18] And so my advice for those situations, let me just give you the top three things I suggest people do. First when it comes to your body, be big. So by being big we pull our shoulder blades down.

[00:23:30] We make sure that when we gesture, we gesture beyond our shoulders. This makes you look big. Nervous people make themselves small. So you want to be big. And when you start step forward, most nervous people retreat and step back. So that's about being confident.

[00:23:44] Second, we want to make sure that we vary our voice. Many people when they get nervous talk really fast because they're breathing really fast. It takes some deep breaths to slow you down. And you want to make sure that you vary your voice. Our brains habituate very quickly.

[00:24:01] And if something stays the same, we hear it is the same. And we don't pay attention as much. So you definitely want to vary your voice to keep people engaged. And then finally, you want to make sure that you look at your audience.

[00:24:15] And if you're front of a large audience, you certainly can't look at every person. So create quadrants, look in the back corner, look at the front, then look at the other back corner. And you pick one or two people out in those different places.

[00:24:27] And that can really make a difference as well. Interesting. And do you think that in these kind of situations, people should just launch into the meat of the matter? Or is there scope for some kind of small talk, right?

[00:24:41] I mean, it's much easier when you're talking in person. For instance, we could talk about the time of the day or the weather or, You know, I wanted a reference, your martial arts experience and so on, right? So there are things that I could talk to you one-on-one.

[00:24:57] But in such a large gathering, have you seen things work better than others? So anything that applies to most people, things that are topical or excuse me, in the context, those can be really useful.

[00:25:15] So you're right not to just focus on something that's very specific to one person, unless it's a small talk or small group situation. But telling stories, asking questions, taking polls, those are always using analogies. That's another great way to bring larger groups of people together.

[00:25:32] All right. So we have just another couple of minutes and we'll wind up and understand it's late in your day. Who are some of the best communicators you've seen? And what is it that you like about them individually? So there are many, many people I could say.

[00:25:51] I could answer to. I'm going to share somebody that none of your listeners have probably heard of. It's a young woman. She runs her own nonprofit. Her name is Brittany Pacnet, PACK, any TT. She is an incredibly dynamic speaker. Her passion comes out. She's great at storytelling.

[00:26:08] And the thing that I look for when I look for a good speaker, be it a business leader, a startup founder, or just somebody who's passionate, is do they engage the audience? Can they get their audience interested through what they say and how they say it?

[00:26:23] And she does it wonderfully well. There are many others, but can I pull the audience in? Quite frankly, the most precious commodity we have in the world today is attention.

[00:26:33] And if you can keep someone's attention, you've gone a long way to helping people learn what you want them to learn and get engaged. So that to me is what's really critical to makes a good speaker. Awesome. Final question. Any tips on being a better part, Custo?

[00:26:52] You do a great job. I'll tell you what I'm working on and I think everybody can work on it goes back to paraphrasing. I think the role of a podcast host is to be the voice of the audience to ask the questions the audience is interested in.

[00:27:05] And when you get an answer, I think helping synthesize it to repeat it is important. So when a question is answered, I will try to, in some way, shape or form, comment on that answer that really summarizes it from my point of view.

[00:27:19] And I get a lot of comments from my listening audience that it's very helpful. Many of the people in my audience aren't necessarily native English speakers, so hearing it repeated is useful. Sometimes they appreciate the commentary I give.

[00:27:32] So I would encourage you in any podcast host actually any meeting facilitator or panel moderator to work on paraphrasing. I'm still a working progress, but I do think it's a really valuable skill for people to have.

[00:27:46] Awesome, that's certainly something that I'm working on for sure to be able to paraphrase effectively and sort of channel the voice of the audience. Thank you so much, Matt, you know, for being on the startup operator podcast and I'm sure that listeners will benefit immensely from you.

[00:28:03] I'd also urge all of our listeners to check out Matt's book. I think, I think fast talk smarter. We'll link to it in the comments and of course, Matt also has a fantastic podcast by the same name. We'll link to that as well.

[00:28:18] Is there anything else that you would like to leave the audience with Matt? Yeah, well, let me leave with one bit of advice and then another way to get in touch with me. So many people feel like I'm just not gifted.

[00:28:30] I am not somebody who will be a good communicator. Some people are born with it others aren't. Some of those who aren't. That is absolutely false. We can all get better at our communication. We have to work on it, prioritize it, but we can get better.

[00:28:44] So that's number one. Number two, if you'd like to learn more from me, thank you for shutting out the book. Thank you faster talk smarter. The podcast, thank you fast talk smart. You can find a lot of my stuff at MattAberhams.com.

[00:28:54] And if you are a user of LinkedIn, I spend a lot of time there with lots of connected to you there as well. Thank you so much for this opportunity. Awesome. Thank you.