The Love Doctor ft. Aastha Atray Banan

[00:00:00] Ladies, gentlemen and others, joining us today is a multi-talented individual who wears many hats in the world of creativity and inspiration. Our guest is the editor of the Sunday Midday and she's also the author of the book, The L Word.

[00:00:13] She's a love enthusiast and also the founder of the podcast, Love Aaj Kal. Welcome to the pod, Aastha. Hi! Thanks so much for having me. Thanks for coming on. Listen, how are you doing all of these things? What's happening?

[00:00:25] No, it's just all happened very organically. It's all through 10 years that I've done all this. I've been a journalist for 21 years this year. Now I'm an editor at Sunday Midday. And the podcast sort of happened very organically.

[00:00:39] You know, when the podcast wave was starting maybe six years ago because I used to talk about love on Instagram. At that time, someone from Savan noticed it and said, why don't you come in? And I was like, is it a radio show? What is a podcast?

[00:00:53] You know, and then to just talk about something and sort of worked. And so yeah, so that's, it's just happened. I think creativity is something like you can do multiple things. You know, it's like a tree and you just keep branching out into different things.

[00:01:07] So the core of it is maybe writing words and then everything has sort of happened like that. Why love? I'm very curious. How does that happen? No, maybe I think as in I grew up writing love stories as in, you know,

[00:01:20] read Murakami when I was growing up and after that it became like a thing of writing love. And then I became India's second Mills & Boons writer. So I won a contest at Mills & Boons which is the mothership of love, love novels.

[00:01:33] They came to India. They looked for a writer. I wrote a short story at one. So I became an Indian writer for them. So I think that sort of then put me on that path. Okay, I can talk about love. So that's why it just remained.

[00:01:46] I mean, I do hardcore journalism, but I think the day I won the Mills & Boons contest was the day I won a largely for a piece I had done which was about, you know, Muslim girls who play basketball and Nagpada.

[00:01:57] So I was like, I can do both things. I can do serious journalism, but I can also write about love. So, so yeah, I think that's how it started and it stuck.

[00:02:05] That's awesome that you mentioned that because I feel like a lot of times when we talk about more, should I call it light topics? Like for example, in my case, beauty of action. And when you talk about love, it's almost as if we're getting put into boxes

[00:02:19] where we can't talk about other things. In 2019 during CAX, I remember I started being more outspoken about my political views very carefully. But I was still quite outspoken about it and people started telling me things like stay in your lane and, you know, talk about lipsticks not politics.

[00:02:33] I'm like, are you saying that I can only do one thing in my life? Yeah. Do you get the, hey, this is light journalism? I think in general feature journalism is considered light journalism. What I do now at that time I was working with the Helka,

[00:02:47] which was a hardcore like that kind of publication. But I do think people think what I write about, which is lifestyle or celebrities or people, you know, people stories could be light journalism. I think if you start listening to people,

[00:02:59] though, you don't not do half the things that you do right. I mean, lot of talented people in the world haven't done anything because they're so scared of what people will think. So I really don't care.

[00:03:08] I don't talk about maybe politics or poor issues on my Instagram only because I really want to be very informed before I say something. I need to know all sides of the story as a journalist. I'm used to that.

[00:03:20] So to put out anything without actually knowing, even, you know, people comment about what's happening in America or what's happening in Pakistan or whatever. And I'm like, I have no clue what is the entire story.

[00:03:30] So I just don't want to put that out on my Instagram because I want to know everything. And I can't know everything. Yeah, so many things. Yeah. So I'm like, do I choose those things?

[00:03:40] What I really want to speak about because you worked in the field so long, like if you have to speak about beauty or fashion, you can make a comment. You could have spoken about the Dior show or whatever because you've done fashion for 10 years.

[00:03:51] So you have already have that context. But if you don't have that context and you're just reacting, then I feel like maybe I don't do that. Otherwise, I don't care. I say what I want to and I'm like, I don't care what you think I should be saying.

[00:04:04] Do you have people that come to you with like their love problems and DMs? Yeah, yeah, lots, lots. I mean, with Lavashka, we were really shocked because we were getting a mail from smaller towns

[00:04:15] like Surat, like people are asking us things like the funniest question I always say is is it safe to have sex in an Oyo room? A 16 year old has asked me that. And I'm like, no, don't go to a hotel rooms just yet. Like maybe wait till 21.

[00:04:30] But then I'm like, you know, you have to be really safe. You know, it's a really serious question. Sometimes people send me long, long, long paragraphs of their whole history of how they've tried to date and it's not worked out or ghosting

[00:04:42] or that guy is now dating someone else. Do you reply? I do sometimes if I have the mind space to read eight paragraphs, I also feel it's easier for them to talk to a stranger than to really talk to

[00:04:55] people at home because I feel you get judged even by your friends. Like somebody might tell you, I get over him already. You know, why are you just crying about him? But I'll listen to you. I'll try to give you perspective. I used to do that a lot.

[00:05:08] I sometimes just do it as a podcast. You know, I'll say, okay, maybe we'll address this issue as a real or a podcast or a post or something where then a lot of people can get that information instead of doing it one on one.

[00:05:20] You know what this is reminding me of in the early 2000s there used to be and I wish I could name the show but there used to be this love guru shown on one of the radio stations. I think it's still there.

[00:05:29] But I feel like that's so interesting because what you said, you do feel more comfortable talking to a random stranger even if it means you're blasting it on radio at the end of the day, talking to a stranger about this can probably give you more comfort than...

[00:05:42] I do. I also feel that a stranger maybe it's like why do you go to a psychiatrist or something because they're giving you a non-biased opinion. They have nothing to get from you. No gender, you know? So I think that works. They always refer to me as Didi.

[00:05:56] So that's nice because that's the older cousin you went to when you was younger, you know, to ask about things. So yeah, I think I have got a lot of those. I have refrained from answering the ones which when somebody wants to commit

[00:06:08] suicide or they're like, I'm feeling so low and depressed, then I've told them please go talk to your parents or find a cousin to talk to or, you know, an uncle or uncle and aunt to talk to or something because that's serious and I'm not a psychiatrist.

[00:06:21] You know, at the end of the day, I'm not a therapist. I can't help you. So that's quite a responsibility. Yeah, what are some of the most bizarre ones you've got? Because like this is too early for it, but we do have a segment over here

[00:06:33] called Slide into My DMs, right? On my show where we talk about things that come in the DMs because they can be of many varieties for lack of, you know, any other way of putting it. What are the kind of DMs you get?

[00:06:44] I think the two that I have got which have stuck out in my head is one girl, she was I think 17 or 16 and she was in love and she was like, we love each other but he's ready for sex and I'm not.

[00:06:57] So I've given him permission to go and have sex with someone else as long as he loves me because I don't want to lose him over this but I'm not ready and I don't want to deny him because he's 17 or 18 and he's feeling the urge.

[00:07:09] So is that okay? You know, I just want to know your opinion. I said, have you made up your mind? She said, yeah, I'm completely okay. And I said, are you going to be okay once he comes back, you know, after he's had sex with someone else?

[00:07:20] Yeah, I'm quite clear that as long as he loves me and I've let it happen. So I'm okay with it. I said, then you're smarter than most people around like if you can make that decision now at 17 and you're okay with it. Great.

[00:07:32] I hope it works out for you guys, you know, and she's like, I just wanted to hear a third of pin. Am I doing something wrong? I said, no, if you think you are capable of, you know, taking that consequence of having someone back who you know,

[00:07:44] who's been with someone else, then if you're so clear in your head and she was really clear, then I said, then you'll be fine. Did you ever go back and like check in on her six months later and say, No, I didn't. There were so many other DMs.

[00:07:55] Yeah, but I think she was fine. She was very clear. I think she just wanted to sound someone out on it, you know, and I was just like as long as you're clear in your head. How does it matter? She sounds really mature. She was. I mean at 17.

[00:08:07] And another one was where someone actually it was a very sweet thing because a girl wrote to us saying that she got her brother watching porn, a younger brother. She said, then we both listened to your podcast together, which was about,

[00:08:19] I think we had done a podcast about porn and stuff like that. And she said, so I made him listen to it. And then that sparked the conversation between both of us because we were awkward. I didn't want to like scream at him or shouted him,

[00:08:31] but because of the podcast, we started having a conversation about porn. And I was like, that's great. You know, so these are, these are really, you don't think that what you're putting out is, is actually affecting people like that. And that's nice. No, for sure.

[00:08:45] I feel like it's taken me very long to come to the, to come to the realization that everything we put out works in some way or the other. There is a ripple effect. What direction it goes in has to do with of course the piece of content

[00:08:57] and how the audience is choosing to look at it, perceive it and how they're consuming that content. But tell me more about like, for example, do people also come to you and ask you about what's going on in your love life then?

[00:09:09] Is that, is that a vortex that has opened up? I Googled myself one of these days and you know, it said Aastha Atre Bhaspant comes as first one. So people have actually Googled to find out who my husband is.

[00:09:20] And I think somebody asked me, why isn't he on your Instagram? And I was like, but he's a different kind of person than I am. He doesn't like to be on Instagram. And he, you know, so I don't feel the need to put him on my Instagram.

[00:09:34] He's been, I've been married for 17 years. So I don't have to really prove anything. So we are the generation before Instagram or Facebook or anything. You know, so, but yeah, I think they do ask me, but the fact that

[00:09:48] maybe being married for 17 years makes people think that I I know a little bit about love. Yeah, they're curious. They're curious. But I don't think it's become a thing with my content. Nobody really, yeah, I don't think. Would you do a podcast episode and then like introduce him

[00:10:06] like really dive into your life? I'm giving you an idea. You should do it. Yeah, he has to get comfortable with that. I don't think he'll want to. He's very articulate, but I don't think he'll want to talk about

[00:10:17] our relationship and what makes it tick because I mean, it just ticks. So I don't know. Have you although done any episodes around your love life or about how you met him? Everything, love, actually everything we spoke about when Ankit and I used to talk about it

[00:10:30] has come from personal experience, you know, somewhere we've felt things and I mean, be it when I was younger or dating and Ankit was divorced and has a child. So there's a different dynamic there.

[00:10:42] So everything has come out of what we feel and what we might have gone through or what we still might go through, you know? So I think in that way it is a personal podcast. It sounds to me like Carrie Bradshaw writing from this.

[00:10:54] Yeah, I think it was like that. It was just that maybe I'm not in like, okay, if you ask me about situationships or, you know, ghosting or something, maybe I'm not right into it.

[00:11:03] But I do have an opinion based on my own experiences and where I come from. So yeah, I think it was deeply personal. Where do you stand on situationships? Because that's a new term.

[00:11:14] Yeah, we did a podcast about it and where I think I was very clear that I think it's a stupid idea. I mean, it's a way to make sure you get hurt. Like it's getting into it's like what we called in our times what friends with

[00:11:26] benefits or, you know, a fling or whatever you are already into this thing calling it a situationship. So you're already deciding that this is not meant to be this shouldn't work out. Why would you do that?

[00:11:39] Wait, so I have the definition wrong then because I always thought that the situationship is when you're transitioning from like dating to like relationship. No, it's like a situation like you don't have anything to define it. Oh, like this is a situation right now. Right.

[00:11:57] So it's like right now whatever it is, it is that is what it is. It's a very. Oh my God, you could. Yeah, I thought it was a transitional definition. It's basically a nothing. It's a nothing. That's what I say. Yeah, it's no transition.

[00:12:08] Nothing looking at it from a whole new lens right now. Yeah, it's not a transition at all. Do you keep up with all of these extreme Gen Z terms? Sometimes like yeah, I mean if you're on Instagram they come up right or if you work with younger people.

[00:12:22] That's when like I think this came up because a young person in my team said I want to do a piece on situationships. And then I said, how you win one? She's like four or five already. I'm like okay, like you know what is happening here.

[00:12:34] So yeah, you have to be living under a rock but some of the things obviously I'm sure I don't know. So tell me like five Gen Z relationship terms that love bombing and one second what? Yeah, love bombing. What's a love bombing? I'm very amused right?

[00:12:51] So if someone is basically showering you with love too early. So they're doing it like sending you flowers and I'm like messaging you all the time and I'm calling you over and through cutlery. Yeah, extra extra.

[00:13:03] So it could also be seen it is also seen as toxic because you're trying to make the other person feel something when they might not be ready. So you're going faster than they are. You also might be trying to hide something because if you've done

[00:13:14] something wrong then you're going to be extra nice to that person. Oh my God. So it is considered toxic. It's love bombing. Love bombing. Okay. And people might get overwhelmed with it.

[00:13:24] If I'm not ready, it's a third date or fourth date and you're going on then I'm like, okay hold up right? Yeah. So that's one. Coasting obviously was a new one which we all know now. Situation ships. There are a couple of these ships I don't know now.

[00:13:39] What are the other ships guys? Do you know what the other ships are? Because I'm just thinking I had situation ship wrong the whole time. Situation ships are nothing. They are flings. What do you and I would call like a one fling? Like you know friends with benefits.

[00:13:55] In my head the definition was that one person was still figuring whatever it is. So like very like transitional like I said yeah. If there ever was a moment where I was super grateful to be married this was that moment

[00:14:07] because I don't want to think about any of these terms and new stages of a relationship that are being established. It's very confusing. It is very confusing. So I'm just like in our time what was it? We were going around. My mother uses that phrase till now.

[00:14:22] Going around year 31. I'm 10 years difference. So yeah it was like going around meant you were in a relationship. And also then oh those two are having an affair. I'm like no they're in a relationship. An affair is so olden times retro. It was that you are together.

[00:14:39] Yeah but affair in my mind is like an extra marital affair. You know or an extra whatever new term they'll come up with for that. I feel really old in this moment. I'm older. You don't sound it and you don't feel it so that's great. I feel it.

[00:14:54] Instagram has kept me young. Do you also think that Instagram is also the cause behind a lot of people thinking that other people's relationship are far more perfect than they actually are? Yeah yeah of course.

[00:15:06] I mean I always tell people that please unfollow anyone who's making you feel like oh they are getting married and then there's this marriage spam and stuff like that. But yeah I feel sometimes things for the gram are just things for the gram.

[00:15:17] So I don't think you should base your opinion on somebody's real of how happy they are. Do you know anything that happens in their house or whatever. So I feel that's a very minute way of looking at it and everything is content.

[00:15:30] You see a couple content creator or whatever. They will create content which looks fancy and glitzy and whatever but you're not seeing the other parts of their relationship. So people should change their opinion in their head and just see it as content.

[00:15:43] But it takes a toll on a lot of people mentally also right not just coming from the place of yeah okay it's content. You and I can understand that because we also work in the content business.

[00:15:52] But for someone out there it can be a difficult reality to come to terms with like I'll give you an example. I had someone who wrote me a really long email about how she wanted to marry

[00:16:02] someone from a different faith and I married someone from a different faith and she's a long time follower of mine and was like how can I convince my family and you know falana falana and I was like I am not in a position to reply to this

[00:16:14] because my live journey is probably different from yours and my family and the way they think or my husband's family and the way they think can be very different from yours. So there's no right advice I could possibly give you in this situation.

[00:16:27] Having said that I also feel don't look at our relationship and think everything was great from the get go. In fact we even did an episode on my YouTube channel about how we're not couple goals because people would keep leaving comments saying couple goals couple goals

[00:16:41] and I'm like we're not couple goals actually. We are very different people. You like I always say this I have a very close friend of mine who was getting married and I said you're getting married you got to choose your partner every day.

[00:16:54] Your mom loves you because she's your mom your family loves you because your family your sibling loves you because they are sibling your partner is the only person in the world that chooses you every single day.

[00:17:06] So don't that Instagram make you think that it's all sweet and flowers and daisies and you know pooping rainbows and butterflies that's not how it works. I think couple goals itself is a bad hashtag. I mean what is couple goals?

[00:17:21] Every couple is different so they'll have different kinds of goals. What I think is a good couple I think I'm a good couple but I've seen other people and thought that you know I can't stand this couple

[00:17:31] but they might be really happy together you know and they might find happiness in things I find cringe worthy or I find like boring or whatever. So what is couple goals? Like it's like strange.

[00:17:42] I don't believe in that at all because I just feel every couple is so different and there's a whole journey and if you work on it it does get easier. There's more calm and peace and happiness all around

[00:17:53] but it takes time to get to that point you know. Also takes self growth and self awareness so it's a long process to daisies and couple goals but I think no couple is couple goals.

[00:18:05] There's also a bridge right where somebody could actually be in a really happy, great, amazing relationship but they don't post their relationship online so you never know about it. Exactly. What about that angle? Yeah I think I mean I don't post about my relationship at all.

[00:18:18] There you go. Yeah but I have been married. Actually May 12th would be 17 years but I don't because it's not on the top of my head because there's nothing wrong in it you know.

[00:18:28] So there's nothing for me to really like be like okay I want to talk about this because it's my life, I live it every day and I just do what I do every day

[00:18:36] and he does what he does every day and it's just sort of going along now. So actually it's like calm you know. Yeah and because you're in that happy calm space there's no urgency to prove something or say something.

[00:18:48] You guys have been married for 17 years but then how long have you guys been together for before that? 17 and a half. We got married in six months of knowing each other. You want to give anybody advice on when you know like you I feel people over thinking

[00:19:01] this used to come to me a lot how to know that this is the one like this one is the one. I'm like you're firstly overthinking everything about how to know. You just know I mean I feel you just feel very clear.

[00:19:13] You don't feel like I never I got married at 24 and people are like oh that's like child marriage. How could you get married at 24? I was like because I didn't feel that I needed to date more. I didn't have that feeling in me anymore.

[00:19:24] I didn't feel like oh am I going to miss out on something or I didn't feel any cold feet about getting married and I was just like yeah let's get it done and let's start living together.

[00:19:33] So I think you just that clarity that comes in your head about not wanting anything else or trying to date more or trying to that maybe tells you that this is the thing that you're in and if it's from both sides then that's the good part of it.

[00:19:48] Do you have any advice for couples but people who are in couples listening on let's say that one secret you've discovered that's like okay this has got me through tough times with my partner. It's not fun all the time. It's boring things.

[00:20:02] I sit in my room, it sits in his room. I do my thing, it is his thing. I mean in the pandemic we had to do that. You can't always be talking, always be connecting right? So you just check in saying are you okay? Do you want something?

[00:20:15] Do you want something to eat? Do you want to like watch something together or something? But so it's the only advice is that you have to consistency. You have to keep going. It's not you can't always be thinking of somebody told me this that the butterflies

[00:20:28] that you feel in the beginning of a relationship that's actually anxiety. That's not fun stuff. That's like feeling like oh if does he still like me? Even when you feel anxiety, you feel that thing in your chest right?

[00:20:39] So it's actually not a very good thing that you want to feel all the time. Then you're anxious what is it going to happen? What's going to happen? Am I going to like him? He's going to like why you don't want that?

[00:20:48] The calm feeling which comes which is like okay I don't have to do anything is the best part of the relationship and you just keep finding things to talk about I think. I like the fact that they were a brother sister but they listen to a podcast

[00:21:02] and then had a conversation. So there's things that you can talk about. Keep talking, keep communicating and don't build it up so much to be the perfect like I have to have fun in my marriage all the time. You can just be normal. Yeah.

[00:21:17] So basically look out for the signs where you're not feeling the butterflies excessively. Yeah. That is anxiety. I feel it like every time before you do something big you're just like feeling a little nervous. But that's not going to last all the time right? Yeah. I love it.

[00:21:32] Thank you for sharing your perspective. Thank you. Thank you for coming on the pod. Thank you. It was lovely. I'm very excited to see what people have to say because I feel like love is a conversation

[00:21:40] in general can be so unique and personal and we all look at it through so many in so many different ways throughout our own individual lens. So I'm really happy to have for the first time on my podcast sat and discussed this

[00:21:52] topic and I'm looking forward to being on your podcast. Congratulations on that. We are going to talk about the same topic but now from your lens. Yes. Amazing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.