Overcoming Real Life Struggles ft. Roshini Kumar

[00:00:00] The following content contains discussions of depression, self-harm and self-perception. While every effort has been made to provide factual and helpful information, the information shared in this episode is for informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. This content may be triggering to some

[00:00:18] individuals, so please exercise self-care and discretion while listening. By continuing to engage with this content, you acknowledge that you understand the aforementioned disclaimer. The Reel Deal with Aanam C You may not know this because you've been listening to new episodes every Wednesday,

[00:00:37] but today I'm recording after almost two months because I've been on a little bit of a work-cation so if I'm a little bit of rusty, you know why. This is your disclaimer.

[00:00:46] I have a very special guest with me today, someone who I want to say started out as an internet friend, accidentally landed up at a couple of shoots that we were doing at the same time, someone who I've really admired on Instagram and I feel like there's things

[00:01:01] I know but I want to dive more into and then there are things that I didn't know and I definitely want to dive into. So Roshni Kumar, welcome to the pod. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited

[00:01:13] we're finally doing this. Yay! We met for the first time on the tummy shoot was it? Yeah. That was such a, I feel like, fun way to meet because it was so empowering for like

[00:01:23] everyone there, like everyone is so ecstatic by what's happening and we were just out embracing our bodies. Even though that was like one of those things where you're all shooting together

[00:01:33] for me it was the first time filming a piece like that for a magazine for context. I try to talk about my honest, you know, body journey and weight gain and weight loss and miscarriage

[00:01:45] and all of that. I feel like you are someone who does it so fiercely when I was on that shoot I was a little bit conscious just because it was the first time I was wearing this

[00:01:56] starry blouse like top and this skirt low. Yeah. Like a very low, yeah. Oh my god it was lovely. And I was nervous because I was like I don't know how to do this if that makes sense. Yeah. So you

[00:02:11] do a lot of this so if I have to sum you up and give you like a little bit more work oriented introduction to the pod listeners. Oh god I dread this because there's even I don't know.

[00:02:21] Let me try. Okay. Roshni is someone who does body positivity, inclusive, all kinds of inclusive content. You identify as someone who's queer which I also definitely want to dive into what I did not know about you and I have goosebumps already. I haven't even said it yet.

[00:02:38] Is that you are a cancer survivor? Yes. A proud cancer survivor is what your Instagram bio says. Can I ask you a little bit about that? Yeah. Tell me about that. Let's talk about that.

[00:02:48] So honestly my cancer for me was a blessing and I'll explain why because prior to my cancer like I was literal opposite of this person you're seeing today. I was so shy and forget shy. I was

[00:03:01] afraid to do anything, you know because I was I've always been bigger and I was really tall. So my body has been bigger than my peers around me and people don't tell you that if you're

[00:03:12] tall all your bodies are obviously going to be bigger because everyone else is shorter but you know because of our amazing standards in society the first thing people think is oh she's fat.

[00:03:23] You know even though it's not fatness it's just that I'm bigger in person. So that I was bullied for being different from a very young age like very young like eight years old nine years old.

[00:03:34] I don't know how it started per se but I do remember me being conscious about arms and stomach as such a child that now I'm you know the content I do is so that that doesn't repeat for

[00:03:46] others at least you know you should be able to have a childhood peacefully and yeah so I was so afraid of doing anything wearing the clothes I want. I've always been this person who likes colouring

[00:03:57] hair and you know doing my piercings and everything but I was so scared that you know like if I do this my bullying will increase, if I do this people will judge me, if I do this so it was

[00:04:06] like every step I take was like calculated immensely in my head and this is when I'm so young that you know instead of concentrating on fun things in life I just became depressed and you

[00:04:18] know I was suicidal at a very young age because of that because I was like I don't fit in this society and clearly people are enforcing it every now and then you know with the way I look or whatever

[00:04:28] so my cancer came so randomly because it it just hit us like a truck honestly to my whole family because we were just like what the f**k just happened I was never like I didn't have any

[00:04:39] health issues prior to that I just had severe body image issues mental health issues but no one spoke about mental health so we didn't even know including me so my weight was a huge issue

[00:04:49] for me but now when I look back at those pictures there was nothing wrong with my body type I was in fact I became fat after people kept saying I was fat so I started eating a lot to deal with

[00:04:59] my depression and that led to me increasing weight decreasing weight increasing weight decreasing weight and then I became chubby but I was never actually fat in my life I think and it's so like

[00:05:12] this is my body dysmorphia is so real right that you really think you're this ugly like you know fat person but you're not and you know no matter what people say your mind believes it and at

[00:05:27] that time that is what my mind believed that I am ugly I'm not worthy I'm not deserving I'm not you know of anything because I'm this person and it was like 90s 2000 so size zero and all of that

[00:05:40] was promoted so it made I'm sure a lot of people like me feel like we don't belong here and ultimately your existence is you know not worthy and I was just you know I did everything to like try becoming

[00:05:55] skinny because that was what was the body type that was accepted then and again no one tells you that not everyone can become skinny because some people are just born skinny some people can

[00:06:05] become skinny but you don't need to be skinny firstly and like a body type like me which is I've always had curves in general I can't become skinny it's just not even a thing I can do

[00:06:18] no one educates you on all this right so I was desperately and you don't understand I was like praying to all the gods and like everything you know I just want to be

[00:06:26] skinny I just want to be skinny and I had stopped eating at some point so I was in nine standard and then I decided like you know I was 14 years old yeah and I had a treadmill at

[00:06:36] home my mom had it rather and I used to walk on the treadmill I was not really good at sports because I was more like an artsy person and then the more conscious I got about my body

[00:06:44] I stopped doing a lot of things like sports I stopped because my swimming like I just got back into swimming now because I always thought I was scared of water and this is

[00:06:54] example of how body image issues can really ruin your life I thought I was scared of water this whole time right I remember when I this was in third standard because I went to a school that had

[00:07:04] a swimming pool and they wanted to promote extra curricular activity so my parents put me in that I was excited about learning how to swim but by third standard I was already conscious about

[00:07:13] my body I went and bought this amazing animal print swimming costume you know with a matching cap and everything I remember oh my god it was so traumatic for me that that picture

[00:07:23] in my head is like still there we had to go down and change you know and there was a lot of chlorine smell coming because obviously it's a pool and they must have kept that thing there I was changing

[00:07:33] and I was sobbing you know as I changed because I had to go out like this and I was like people are gonna see my body I don't know what they're gonna say you know I was scared and this and

[00:07:42] that and I was sobbing sobbing sobbing came up and the teacher then also was like this whole you know tough love kind of teacher so he also did push me into the pool once which caused

[00:07:51] me a lot of trauma in general but I realized very recently when I rejoined swimming that it was not about the water and you won't believe like my body developed a year infection in like two months

[00:08:05] after because it was so traumatic for me that I could not swim again in chlorine water but right now like right now I like so I'm in multiple chlorine pools and there's nothing wrong

[00:08:16] I don't have a year infection not allergic to chlorine it was almost like a defense mechanism of my body to like protect me because it was such a traumatic time would just go change into that

[00:08:26] costume I'm so sorry and that's why like you know I talk about this shit so people realize like you know these small things you stop doing it and then or you stop eating for example

[00:08:37] you do these things and it affects your actual life yeah this is not about beauty you know no one like fuck beauty honestly you're I mean at the end of the day if you don't have it

[00:08:47] also we'll survive but if you don't have basic things like wearing the clothes you want being able to swim you know do these things if you're not able to do it because people are making you feel

[00:08:56] shit about yourself that's horrible I feel yeah you know like for your existence that impacts your sense of self on so many levels so much so anyway ninth when I stopped like eating and you

[00:09:06] know I was so happy because I suddenly started losing weight okay and I was like I lost eight to nine kgs and I thought it's because I'm not eating I ate only one meal a day because it was at

[00:09:16] home and the other two meals were in school so I could miss it very easily and I couldn't miss the one at home because my mom would kill me so I had to eat like one meal only and I

[00:09:25] kind of kept doing that and I was like wow this is really working Ross you're like fucking killing it you're going to become skinny but instead like you know I was like

[00:09:34] like pain started in my body in strange places my knee locked one day there was like this shooting pain in my spine one day when I was like doing PE which I hated anyway and this pain suddenly came

[00:09:46] and no one really believed me that I they thought I was making excuses to not do something or like I was just like saying shit but I was like this is like shooting pain and I don't know why it's

[00:09:55] suddenly coming like it took months to figure out that I was actually sick because no one could figure out why and then one of my doctors said go get an MRI because like the they thought

[00:10:06] it slipped disc then it can't be slipped disc because I don't do anything to get a slip disc you know and they thought it was like strange things and then finally the MRI showed that

[00:10:15] there were lesions in my spine like I didn't know this yet but my I think my dad did by then and they were like there's something wrong for sure but also the the tests that they

[00:10:26] were doing for like the biopsies were also coming negative so they were just like what the fuck is happening but yeah we spent like one month just figuring out and it perpetually got worse

[00:10:37] by then so I couldn't get off the bed I stopped going to school finally when I got admitted was when I was throwing up and just couldn't stop like everything I ate everything I drank was

[00:10:47] just coming out because my body was like rejecting everything then I finally got admitted and I think they sent a tissue sample of my back to Bombay Tata Memorial somewhere and some pathologist

[00:10:58] here said whoever this is like she has like last stage of cancer like you need to treat this person what cancer was it I had non-Hochkins lymphoma which is essentially lymph nodes but it had turned

[00:11:09] into bone cancer also because it entered my bone so it was in my spine in my knee which is why the pain was shooting it was in between my disc there was a space there's still a space

[00:11:21] you know which in my disc where the lesions or cancer cells or whatever were there so we immediately had to you know just obviously the doctor was like we have to start this and he had known me for a while

[00:11:33] now it's been a month and he was my oncologist and he was like you know I've seen her like not always smiling you know always greeting people even when she's in pain even when she's

[00:11:43] so I think she can handle the news herself I will come and tell her with you all around if that's okay because I think she seems really mature for her age and stuff and my parents were like yeah

[00:11:53] because they were like sobbing and the only child and stuff and they really thought they were going to lose me so they were like sobbing and he came up and he was like and I was already in like a room

[00:12:03] by now and you know I was on the bed or whatever so he was just like listen we've got the thing and you have cancer it's stage four and I was like I thought four on ten so I was like oh it

[00:12:14] seems fine only like why is everyone stressed it's not four on ten in like in like stages you know there's like most I did not just four on four guys like 14 okay no I mean actually it's quite

[00:12:27] stupid if I think about it now because I was like obviously there won't be 10 stages of cancer like who can't believe who we're now laughing at this he's actually I think so I was like oh yeah

[00:12:39] whatever then he's like you know he's explaining like chemotherapy this that we'll start immediately and he the way he was saying it was also very calm because obviously he was trying to not freak me out

[00:12:48] but he sounded so chill so I was like yeah I mean like cool let's start because you thought you had six more stages I was like I'm like that means we're founded like early now like four on ten means

[00:12:59] we're chill only when you went back to stage four or four yeah how long was that journey for you so I essentially chemotherapy starts you get like two days three days of medicines but it has so

[00:13:12] much side effects because kibble essentially kills all the cells in your body the good cells as well as well because it has to get rid of the bad cells so at that time they gave me the strongest

[00:13:22] treatment in the hospital because it was quite bad and they had told my parents already that we can't guarantee survival because it's already bad and they can't promise something and just

[00:13:32] not deliver so they had said that to my parents and they give me the strongest treatment so two days of medicine when but it took one month of side effect I had never thought like you know how

[00:13:43] they show firstly the way they show cancer or tv and like cinema is so wrong like it just put I thought nothing will happen to me the medicine's gonna go like you know whatever whatever things will

[00:13:54] internally happen but oh my god like it depends on the kind of the amount of medicine they gave so they gave me a lot because it had to like kill all the cells but the side effects are bad

[00:14:05] it's not just throwing up it's not just losing your hair you know it is like a lot more and it's just horrible like you know you have to get like I took one month to recover from two days of medicine

[00:14:17] so it took me six months in total to recover from I mean to get my six cycles of chemo so they first said that would happen if that doesn't work then they'd have to do

[00:14:30] radiation was pretty like because I didn't have any tumors but they said there was stem cell therapy that comes where you literally have to get a stem cell transplant that's the last only option left

[00:14:42] you know if this doesn't work over that they would have just been like you just have to like live till you can and chill but in the third cycle my doctor has said this to my mother in

[00:14:52] the exact words and we're like they should do a PET scan after like every you know thing and he was like I don't know how but the cells are like profusely reducing and like it's doing much better

[00:15:05] like you know and and even at the start of this and why I say it's a blessing right is because so I had to like my mom and you know we were just like let's cut my hair because anyway

[00:15:15] we're gonna fall and I had long hair then so instead of having all of that cutting my hair wasn't the issue but you know I'd always wanted to get red hair prior to that and I remember

[00:15:24] all these realizations came to be in the hospital like lying in a bed literally where I couldn't even get off six months I didn't get off the bed I didn't know I had to learn how to walk again

[00:15:33] because I just didn't get off that bed I was so weak um I just remember thinking like you know I'd never worn a dress uh that was fitting to my body I only wore sweatshirts to school to cover

[00:15:46] my body as much as I could by now like even in the hottest summer hotter than what today is in Bombay I would have worn the this thick Adidas sweatshirt I remember and I was just like how have

[00:15:58] I been living life this is ridiculous you know I was I'm scared to do basic things wear a dress that I always wanted to you know color my hair which should be you know something and then I was just

[00:16:09] like just kind of flabbergasted at myself like fuck whatever I done you know and not in like an angry way but more like I can't continue doing this and I don't know for some reason

[00:16:20] I really didn't think I was going to like not live you know I just knew this was not my time and every day I would just go to sleep thinking of all the things I wanted to do after I got out

[00:16:31] I was never scared of the death part of it everyone else was but I was just like nothing's gonna happen you know I just know it and I started losing a lot of weight obviously

[00:16:42] and the only time I'll ever be skinny I think because even as a child I wasn't the skinny is because of cancer so that was literally you know I was like Ross you remember this for

[00:16:50] the rest of your life that the body type that you wanted you got it but at like look at what cost at what cost and I don't want people to go through such a traumatic you know event

[00:17:02] to realize you can live your life I love that you said this was like a blessing right because I don't think a lot of people have that ability in them to see that silver lining

[00:17:11] like I believe I mean I don't know if I would be as far as be able to do it as well as you do but I always believe that I'm mostly a very silver lining glass half full kind of person

[00:17:20] yeah but like is that where you realize that I want to do everything I stopped myself from doing all this 100% 100% I literally got out of the hospital and I was like when can I get a tattoo

[00:17:33] because he was like you can't get it for the first six months because your blood is going to be very thin after the chemo so get after six months and the first tattoo

[00:17:41] I got was this which says I am what I am so I always remember that you know and a moment to come with me because I was too young I was 15 so she had to sign a consent form and everything

[00:17:52] but yeah like you know since that day I was like I started baby steps it took a while like you know it's not some overnight makeover session that happened it took a while but

[00:18:02] I really made a decision in that hospital bed that I'm going to live my life fully I don't care how long it is how short it is but I'm going to live every day like fuck everyone

[00:18:10] else fuck everything else this is what I'm going to do I'm going to get that red I got out my head started growing got that red immediately wore and by now my body had already become very

[00:18:20] thin we needed new clothes right so my mom went to all the stores that I wanted to it bought me the hottest dresses so I used to dress up to go to the hospital with wigs and everything because

[00:18:29] I just wanted to look so like you know I was always a fashion girl and no one could tell I was sick until I sat in a wheelchair because they were like nothing is wrong with this girl

[00:18:38] she has beautiful long hair and this and that so after I came out I was like fuck I'm really gonna work you know towards making myself happy forget everyone else has it gotten easier though with

[00:18:51] time with people checking you out or making weird faces because I feel like I mean on social media people know you and understand your brand and they're a little bit more evolved yeah

[00:19:02] but what happens in your life I mean I'll be honest when I started now uh after with the hair and stuff I've not stopped since I was 15 till now you know there was no there's not a time

[00:19:12] that I had my original life for too long after that just kept coloring it doing my own thing cutting it whatever then the piercing started I got my my ears were pierced but I started getting the face

[00:19:22] like my chin pierced I need you have I'm trying to count I don't know to be honest maybe like over 20 but it's because it doesn't have an end to it right it gets rejected by the body at

[00:19:34] some point because it's almost like a foreign object in your body so if you take care of it well it stays long stayed for three years or two years for me and now I think I'll get another one because

[00:19:42] it looked way too hot I think it might have been there for the wads I'm not sure but yeah it basically looked like I was you know there's always a stud here but yeah in total I have a I think more

[00:19:51] than 20 23 24 but yeah when people you know in India are not used to or they think they're not used to because it's actually quite common that people do have a lot of piercings and a lot of

[00:20:02] villages you know their traditions are around piercings and tattoos so it's really not such an alien concept I think it's just the way we perceived it but yeah I got a lot of stairs

[00:20:14] since I started it first few times this is very young I'm talking about like now 17 18 and I realized that clearly people are either fascinated disgusted or they just want to talk and laugh about it and I just was like honestly after like going through all this

[00:20:31] shit I was like I don't care you know so what I what that kind of helped me do is I honestly don't notice anymore I really don't notice like even today while walking I was just listening to my

[00:20:42] music and vibing and coming there might have been a bunch of people staring and maybe like commenting or whatever complimenting unless someone comes up to me right it I don't see it anymore and

[00:20:53] there have been times when I've been on a road walking and there are these guys maybe who'll stop and like stare and stuff and my friends have gotten so mad and they're screaming

[00:21:01] and I'd be like what are you doing and they're like do those guys have stopped and they're staring at you like don't they have any other way and I was like it's just what they do like relax don't

[00:21:09] get so mad because you know you will waste your energy but yeah I just kind of noticed earlier like this is how it is you know in our country because they have you know not really I guess

[00:21:21] evolved to a space to let people just be without judging you know you don't actually need to judge look stare appreciate question but you don't need to be crass and harsh about it so that I

[00:21:35] don't know if it's gotten better or anything but really it it's just something I don't pay attention to at all anymore which is why even in Cosmo when I came I did mean to the thing I was wearing

[00:21:47] on top of this is Bloney jacket and I wanted to wear it as a sheer thing but I did want a bottom and I didn't get any bottom in time so I was just like fuck it I'm just going out in this

[00:22:00] song you know and then I wanted to button it but there was such a delicate fabric I didn't want to ruin the outfit itself just left it open and you know I was like I don't care honestly if people

[00:22:11] like you know anyway these are people we knew right I was like what will happen if it's a malfunction that's it you know you just get on with life which is actually why I feel like

[00:22:20] it's so much more important for someone like you to be in the content space like I wouldn't say not everybody needs to be out there sharing their makeup tutorials or OOTDs myself included so many

[00:22:31] of us are almost repeats of what the other person is doing at this point in time in the content creator space but I feel like it's so important for someone with a journey as unique as yours

[00:22:42] and with a point of view as unique as yours to definitely be in the content space yeah I didn't really plan on doing this it just happened honestly I did a body positive shoot in 2015

[00:22:53] for myself it was a naked shoot of myself to show all the flaws I was so scared of before and now I'm I wasn't so it's more of a personal project but then I was like gosh I think you should put

[00:23:04] it up that time Facebook was Instagram was just nothing then like just put it up so that you feel that you've reached the space you wanted to because no one's judgment should worry you

[00:23:15] or care just told my mum in advance so she doesn't freak out and she was at first she was like are you sure like you know what if they you and she was never bothered about me doing the shoot or me being

[00:23:24] naked it's more like if people can misuse your I was like see you hojai ka to hojai ka bhi they can do it even if I'm not naked you know it's fine so when I put that up and people

[00:23:33] felt so see in this how does enemy mess just like oh my god it's the first time we've seen real skin you know stretch marks you've shown everything I was like damn okay this is

[00:23:42] powerful for everyone not just me that's where I started doing listen thank you so much for breaking down so many things with me and for me and for all of the listeners and watchers

[00:23:53] I feel like I feel like you need to do much more content than you do I know you post I like that you post so authentically when you really just have something to say but you have so

[00:24:06] much more in your little tijori you know that's not saying influencers like you need to teach me how to influence because I'm a very bad influence I don't know how to influence properly I just post

[00:24:16] what I want whenever I want time doesn't matter nothing matters no you got to get to it because I like I said earlier I feel like I feel like especially post pandemic there have been

[00:24:26] so many times when I've gone through this existential crisis of when it comes to work where I'm like what am I doing why am I doing this I'm showing people and I didn't you know like in

[00:24:36] the lockdown a lot of people technically gained and benefited from sitting at home and creating entertaining content and I couldn't do that because it was just my mind was elsewhere I had friends

[00:24:48] and family going through things and maybe if I was smarter and more strategic I would have used the time but that's fine better but that's fine yeah I since that time I've all I go through

[00:24:57] this every couple of months where I'm like why am I doing this is does this make a real world difference and then I tell myself that no you know what I connect with people and I need to look at

[00:25:07] my job from a different lens but I think that someone like you who has this very unique one-of-a-kind journey needs to do even more content yeah actually thank you for lighting this fire

[00:25:20] because I needed it and I just came from another meeting that also lit some fires for me so I really need this because I'm very demotivated when it comes to making content for content I believe

[00:25:29] in the authenticity but I also realize like like you said I have to make more of it and my mental health always kind of gets in the way but if I'm more I guess organized about it I can do this

[00:25:42] and I needed this so thank you I'm good at setting structures so I'm a phone call away if you need it any time thank you for coming and having this chat me on the real deal with