Love, Laughter, and Dating Disasters: Valentine's Day Special

[00:00:00] Hello everyone, this is Shunali Shahof and this is Kiran Mandral and we are not your aunties.

[00:00:10] Hello and welcome to yet another episode of Not Your Auntie in which we have with us

[00:00:15] two young men who are definitely not your aunties.

[00:00:19] Definitely, definitely not your aunties but...

[00:00:23] Why are they here with us today? where they'd find someone who's probably not in the right state of mind or not in a good place in life. And like they are the way they are because of that. And they think like people think they can date them and actually fix them maybe because they're attractive. I think I don't think that's a modern thing so much as I think that's just how people function. Yeah.

[00:01:40] So like it's that's been a thing since dating.

[00:01:43] Yeah. That's why it's been a thing.

[00:01:43] I mean, you know, women have always wanted to fix men.

[00:01:45] Sure.

[00:01:46] And that's why that it's not a trope.

[00:01:48] Women wanting bad men. Of course, when you were younger, you were looking for other things which your generation looking for too, which was more biological, driven by biological needs rather than an emotional need. Sure. So what we're trying to be curious about is that this generation seems very casual about relationships and very easily transactional.

[00:03:03] And that's okay too. What is the thing that gets you to swipe left or right on Tinder or Bumble or Grindel? And why is this such a scary phrase for a generation to catch feelings? Catch feelings, okay, right? Yeah, the flowers. Interesting, because I think like when I started dating, dating apps were not a thing. Like that was not, they existed, but they were not prevalent and there was a bit of

[00:04:23] still a bit of like social stigma. Yeah, okay.

[00:05:27] people can like, you know, put forward what they think you want to hear in order to get what they want. Like that's just the nature of people.

[00:05:29] So what they want to get is primarily sex, is it?

[00:05:33] It could be. It could be validation.

[00:05:35] Okay.

[00:05:36] Like I know most people use it for hooking up.

[00:05:38] Exactly. So what, so here's the thing that in our pandemic of people feeling lost in this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's exactly that. So I can tell you that I spent like a bunch of time on dating apps and I felt that way as well. I like I got bored, like just really bored. It felt like work because like even if you

[00:07:03] are looking for something like meaningful, you'd scarcity of women on dating apps. Yeah. And so the way that plays out on dating apps is that your that small pool of women is engineering college of the online. It is basically that it's basically that. So a thing that happens like, why did you start the conversation with with high? Yeah. Some women will say this and some women will be like, Oh, why do you have to use such a cheesy line? I'm like, okay, you know, how do you say of greeting? What are you supposed to say? I'm saying that I'm young now. Some people don't like the high.

[00:09:40] Some people don't like some people.

[00:09:41] Okay.

[00:09:42] So does it stress you out as men?

[00:09:45] Yes.

[00:09:46] Yes. But not all, I mean, on Bumble, you get to choose who you interact with. So then I guess it must be safer, right? I don't know. I have really happened to you. Okay. So I know through somebody who was in the dating game from a woman's perspective, I said, take me through your Bumble account and I was looking at it. And I saw how bio is that written, right? And the Kiran, I don't know.

[00:11:00] You must answer this question before the boys do.

[00:11:02] Like I'm an expert on this.

[00:11:04] No, no, no. like, you know, making somebody know exactly who you are because that would be impossible and unreasonable. Exactly. But what is it supposed to be funny? So these dating apps, you have to fill up all these forms and I've looked at one through a friend who is two more than a friend who's been on dating apps and it sort of thrown me into an existential introspective crisis on both fronts because I'm like, where am

[00:12:21] I?

[00:12:22] Don't even know who I am.

[00:12:23] You have to have a song, Kiran, that you're asked? So I can help you with that. Like this, let's actually look at some of these prompts from Hinge. Like some of them are actually really interesting. Like we said, the purpose of them is just to be funny and attention catching or whatever you want. Like nobody can get to know you from a dating profile.

[00:13:41] That's just impossible.

[00:13:42] But okay, so some Hinge prompts.

[00:13:45] I want someone who fill in the blank. then you have to write my ideal date. Okay. Then some fun facts about you. This is so tough. I think there is one. This is like a Marcel Proust questionnaire. It is which we did this last night. Yeah. A shower thought that I recently had. My God. This is so stressful. Are you feeling what I felt?

[00:15:00] Because I thought I really felt at the time that I am completely estranged from my own

[00:15:05] self.

[00:15:06] If I could answer most of these.

[00:15:07] I can't answer lot of things.

[00:16:21] If you're in school, college, you can like, of course you have that you are. But that's once you're in the conversation about also the approach. The approach. So start off with something very, very casual, not related to anything. It could be related to like, no, no. So the point being like is like, you can say anything on the approach, but that doesn't say anything about your actual death. That's the island error, right? Like always is always is. But that's a great approach line that has worked for you.

[00:17:42] What has worked for me?

[00:17:44] Nothing really.

[00:17:44] I just like, I don't know.

[00:17:46] I generally am quite edgy and quirky. So he comes up with this very... Are you from this college? How come I haven't seen you? There's something wrong with my eyes, which is a terrible line. I mean, horrible, but to give you credit, he was a college kid at that point. And it must have worked for him before. That's why he used to use it again. And then I replied, you have to get your eyes checked. And that line is just... See, in hard days, we used to like getting pursued.

[00:19:02] OK.

[00:19:03] Yeah.

[00:19:03] Playing hard to get sometimes.

[00:19:05] If you were just playing hard to get...

[00:20:02] of the impression of like, I'm not like, which is why fulfillment becomes very, it becomes a very water thing.

[00:20:06] Yeah. So then if you meet some girl, and she's everything

[00:20:10] you've wanted a woman to be, a two, a, a person through a friend,

[00:20:15] she doesn't play games. So she texts you first,

[00:20:19] first, yeah, you meet, you go on a date, you come back and she

[00:20:22] texts you that night. Thank you for dinner. It was good to go

[00:20:24] out with you. That is so far girl writes to you, hey, want to meet up and you appreciate this straightforward. Yeah, I appreciate it. Let's meet up. You meet up there you go. I meet her and it's it's almost like knife to butter. Now, everything is going on really too easily too easily smooth. Whenever you ask her to step out for her movie, she's free,

[00:21:40] she texts you, what are you doing? Haven't seen you since two days meet me today.

[00:21:45] So far, is it going on the track you're time for you, it's not necessary that they have a lot of free time. It may be that they are making free time for you because they want to take this further. Yeah, sure. But like they're working then you are. Yeah. But again, depends upon what your dynamic is, how well you know each other. Like there are a lot of people who don't like this is again, a personal thing.

[00:23:00] Like this is there are people who do make time for you and everything.

[00:23:04] And you also commit to that, but it doesn mess with that person, especially when you are. If you're not serious, if you're not serious in taking this any further, you're definitely going to be playing games. Is that it?

[00:24:20] No, no, exactly.

[00:24:21] If he's interested in the girl, yeah, I would, and a woman who feels that now she's in love with me, so she's not worth it. That means you don't think you're worthy of being lovely or self-dramatic. That you're undermining somebody. And I'm saying this is not in the initial,

[00:25:40] this is after you've sort of gone through the dating dance.

[00:25:44] Yeah.

[00:25:45] After a few months.

[00:25:46] After a few months when they're like, okay, I can't move further because it's over like where does the ghosting begin? Oh, that's actually a that's very interesting. I think the hosting begins with like just communication based on like text and everything. That's it. Have you been ghosted? Yeah, I have been hosted, but not like with I didn't really like that person, but I was just talking to that person and like I got hosted.

[00:28:02] Have you ghosted anyone? No, I don't think so.

[00:28:03] And you?

[00:28:04] I have.

[00:28:05] What made you ghost that person?

[00:28:07] I just couldn't carry a conversation with them because I thought they were also trying

[00:28:11] really hard to carry a conversation with me.

[00:28:13] So isn't it easy just to say that this is not working out?

[00:28:16] No, like not.

[00:28:18] Is it a cowardice in?

[00:28:20] Yeah, it is.

[00:28:21] Yes.

[00:28:22] Actually, it depends.

[00:28:23] Like, I think if you understand that person is trying too hard and that person also gets Do you still introspect and say, what did I say and do that? May I do this? Or do you straight up say like, you know, she's messed up? No, it's not really about like, okay, just assigning like a judgment to the other person or like whatever. I don't need reasons. It's like you're not so attached to that conversation. Like like you have to put this into perspective. But does it still feel like rejection is what I'm asking?

[00:29:41] It is rejection sometimes.

[00:29:42] But at the same time, I'm like, this is a person I've exchanged like a few messages

[00:29:47] with on an app.

[00:29:48] It's not meeting. Yeah, it's very salty. Like the breakup and everything is very salty. I've literally seen people burn pictures of photos that they've taken and posted online. But that's been happening since the dawn of time. Yeah, but people posted on their story and they write a long message saying blah, blah,

[00:31:00] blah, blah, and then they post it. Yeah, that's that's quite the same.

[00:31:02] When celebrity breakups also happen, when they're posting and then you're still following.

[00:31:06] I don't think you can count a circle to share it with them. They have to give everything so contained. Right. And like the way we had defending celebrities as well. And lies over here. But all I'm trying to say is that I think there are lots of other relations. I think there are the loneliest people in terms of being in relationships because also

[00:32:21] like attention personally, like individual attention is a big thing for them.

[00:32:25] So that they need to keep that going to keep going.

[00:32:28] And how do you know what's real? whatever swipe right or whatever on a profile. What was it that hooked you onto a profile apart from looks or whatever? Yeah, in their profile bio. I usually read like, like if like we covered this a little bit earlier, but at the same time, I'm like, I'm not looking to get to know somebody from hinge prompts or something like that. I'm like, if, but

[00:33:43] if I like what you the way you've responded it down the throats of everyone that you have to be feeling at all the time when you're together. I think that is bullshit. Like, I think that's absolute bullshit. I wish I had this awareness when I was getting my hands. See, the thing is, if I need sustainable relationship, especially when you stay together,

[00:35:02] it gets very difficult because there's no one else So in terms of the concept of marriage, I think it's like I'm not against the concept of marriage and I agree with most of the ways that put it. But on a personal level, I think it for me, it just depends entirely on the situation

[00:36:20] and the person I'm with.

[00:36:21] I'm absolutely open to marriage.

[00:36:22] Yeah.

[00:36:23] So if you found somebody, no, are you looking to be married?

[00:36:25] Like is there pressure on you to get married?

[00:36:26] No, no, no.

[00:36:27] How old are you?

[00:36:28] I'm not, I'm not, but it depends like, see, I don't, I think you, you have children, if your lifestyle allows for it, like, that's, that's why I feel it would depend on when I'm ready. And then looking at the situation, looking like a lot of young people today, I know I like sit, they're not certain they want to marry at all. They're open to living

[00:37:40] in or being in long term relationships. And they're certain they don't want to have children

[00:37:44] because I mean, look at the world. Yeah. is yeah so you know bajan nal guys cannot they don't need to be feel left out of the action you have to choose should be test the boys. Yeah. Yeah, let's do the tough one. I'm afraid. I'm afraid, guys. What is DTR? The two down to down to down to Riz. I don't know.

[00:40:20] I don't know what the other sense define the relationship having a

[00:40:24] different relationship to determine the status of a relationship.

[00:40:26] Oh, I knew that one.

[00:40:27] What is that is that is.

[00:41:43] It's also very prevalent today.

[00:41:44] Yeah. Yeah.

[00:41:44] People do this.

[00:41:45] Yeah.

[00:41:46] Right.

[00:41:46] Watching.

[00:41:47] Yeah.

[00:41:47] That's what like.

[00:42:44] What fishing I think looking for people who have opinions and like are very very modern I don't know what it is.

[00:42:46] Pretending to be the ocean, the end politically aware of the press somewhat.

[00:42:50] What is soft launching?

[00:42:51] Soft launching.

[00:42:53] When you need Viagra.

[00:42:56] Boldcat.

[00:42:57] What is it?

[00:42:58] Revealing a relationship on social media without disclosing the partner's identity.

[00:43:03] Oh yeah.

[00:43:06] What is eclipsing? like F1 has become that basically. It's everyone's following it. Like no one's followed it for the past 25 years. Can I have a genuine interest? But if you know. But it could be because it's accessible today, no? Yeah, it is accessible today as well. But also for inter conversations. Like I've seen groups of people who talk about this who've never followed F1 for the past 25 years not talk about it like they're gurus. Not just girl, even men. Like a lot of men. A lot of people.

[00:44:20] Yeah.

[00:44:20] So maybe it's trendy right now.

[00:44:21] Yes, right.

[00:44:22] But it works also the other day.

[00:44:23] I was meeting a friend of mine.

[00:44:24] He's recently divorced and he was saying he went on a date

[00:44:27] and the girl turned out to be delightful an aspect of dating. I think this is nice. Zombying reappearing in someone's life after ghosting them often without explanation. How common is that? Oh, that's a very common thing. So, you know, this new story reply thing is become a very interesting concept like story reply someone replied to your story after ghosting you. No, no, after ghosting you just generally like you reply to someone's story and then you

[00:45:42] want to maybe have a conversation with a person, whoever a friend or someone you're interested

[00:45:46] in and then they ghost you and then they keep replying to your stories. people say that we like all my stories are you looking at all my stories maybe then call me of course I think that's that's why a lot of people also post stories so that those people see messages it's it's a very it's a very complex yeah the algorithm also works very well because you've seen who's liked a certain real and if you're interested in that person you can repost real similar to that so that that person can view your story

[00:47:02] and then yeah it's

[00:47:03] oh okay it's not here but what are pink glasses

[00:48:02] Yeah, that's a deal breaker. So I'm looking at my phone.

[00:48:03] Like depending on the amount of time, like all the acknowledgement that like hey, listen,

[00:48:06] I need to take this one second.

[00:48:07] Like that's why I'm doing that right one second, one second.

[00:48:10] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:48:11] So you bring that in the number of times.

[00:48:13] Yeah.

[00:48:14] And there are people who don't even tell you like they're going to go on the phone and

[00:48:16] they're like the phone for like 10 minutes.

[00:48:17] There are people who are fine on a date.

[00:48:19] Yeah.

[00:48:20] I've never been on those dates, but I've seen people who do that like so many times, even

[00:48:24] in a normal conversation, they do that.

[00:48:25] And at that point, I want to throw the phone out the window like there's no other way of

[00:48:28] looking at it. I don't believe that. Yeah. My final question is, do you think that women are trying to be like men in that sense, like not very emotional? Detached.

[00:49:40] Detached looking for just physical fulfillment.

[00:49:42] I'm writing this for.

[00:49:43] It was rare.

[00:49:44] Right. to work before my time. But you tell me, okay, in your time, amongst all your friends, are going to everything. Yeah. Is it an equal ratio? I wouldn't say it's equal. I'd say goals are getting hurt more. Okay. Yeah, it is a thing. So I speak from my son's generation and your daughter's generation. I think I'm seeing equal amounts of hosting happening on both sides.

[00:51:00] Okay.

[00:51:01] Okay.

[00:51:02] I think this was quite revealing.

[00:51:04] And I think that this will get some younger listeners of ours.