Rebounds: The Good, Bad and Ugly

[00:00:00] Rebounds Urban dictionary defines it as just some person you use to get over someone you broke up with.

[00:00:06] On their own rebounds will never be enough but they can be an okay distraction.

[00:00:11] Usage, she doesn't matter, she's just a rebound.

[00:00:16] Wow, okay that was rude but hey it's not like you care for the rebound right?

[00:00:22] Oh maybe you do.

[00:00:25] It's actually a complicated question right?

[00:00:27] But the question that I want to ask you guys is why do you think we go for rebounds?

[00:00:36] Is it because we are heartbroken or is it because we are lonely or simply we are just

[00:00:45] horny.

[00:00:48] And while some people have a great time in rebounds and you know like they say they

[00:00:52] have amazing sex and what not.

[00:00:54] Some people actually think that it's a terrible decision.

[00:00:57] So for episode 9 of How I Dealt With It, I wanted to get to the bottom of rebounds.

[00:01:05] Yes I'm your host Devan Urethanpal and before I go on let me tell you that if you like

[00:01:09] listening to this podcast then you have to subscribe to the Quint's channel on Apple,

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[00:01:20] now.

[00:01:21] You can also log on to the Quint website and check out our podcast section.

[00:01:26] Now coming back to rebounds, guys I was looking for different stories that people had about

[00:01:31] rebounds because I've been really interested in exploring this arrangement between two people.

[00:01:37] I know that it comes from a really heavy place in your heart and my exploration got

[00:01:42] me on Reddit where I typed this question.

[00:01:46] Ever had a rebound?

[00:01:50] Tell me the good, bad and ugly.

[00:01:55] I waited for a few hours and then girl gamer replied.

[00:02:03] So my boyfriend had just broken up with me.

[00:02:06] We got back three months later but during this time I was really hurt so I downloaded

[00:02:11] Tinder.

[00:02:12] I was just looking for friends with benefits kind of thing.

[00:02:15] I matched with this really handsome guy, a dad joke expert and I decided this was the

[00:02:20] dude.

[00:02:21] So we meet up and blah blah blah we start having sex.

[00:02:25] Halfway through though he stops.

[00:02:27] Is your brother George?

[00:02:30] We then realized that this guy was my brother's best friend from high school who he still

[00:02:35] hangs out with.

[00:02:36] We stopped right away.

[00:02:40] And now he still comes over to my brother's house and we just look at each other

[00:02:44] awkwardly.

[00:02:45] I have to admit though one of the best guys in bed.

[00:02:48] Awkward!

[00:02:49] But guys what is a rebound if it's not awkward and also weirdly comforting?

[00:02:56] Yeah as crazy as it sounds.

[00:02:59] But you know here we are talking about how crazy rebounds are and how it helps us sort

[00:03:02] our ugly emotions etc.

[00:03:06] But what if you are on the other side?

[00:03:09] What if you are the one who is being rebounded on?

[00:03:14] George's case is a very interesting one.

[00:03:18] He was rebounded on not once, not twice but thrice.

[00:03:25] Yes guys and well what can I say about this?

[00:03:30] You know George is not diplomatic that he wants to wish them all the good things in

[00:03:35] life.

[00:03:36] No no no that's not George guys.

[00:03:37] He wishes them pain.

[00:03:39] He wishes all the girls who rebounded on him a lot of pain.

[00:03:49] So for this podcast I am going to be the one who says who is the one who has been rebounded

[00:03:55] on multiple times and I have only rebounded once out of these three relationships that

[00:04:01] I have had.

[00:04:04] One when I was 16, one when I was 17 and currently the one I am going through at the moment was

[00:04:09] between 18 and 19.

[00:04:11] So me and X1 had a relationship for 3 months and it failed as she left me to be with someone

[00:04:18] else and back then I did not know how to handle a relationship whatsoever.

[00:04:23] So she comes back around a couple months later like you know three months later

[00:04:29] and we start a new relationship and that relationship lasts for a year.

[00:04:32] This relationship was very toxic, very damaging.

[00:04:35] She was incredibly manipulative.

[00:04:37] She cut herself.

[00:04:38] She was borderline crazy but at the same time I was unaware and I did not know how a relationship

[00:04:43] should be like.

[00:04:46] I found out she was lying to me about something throughout our entire relationship which pissed

[00:04:50] me off and I decided to stop talking to her or go on a break I'd say.

[00:04:55] And within that break she had started talking to her best friend who I consider a pretty

[00:05:00] good friend of mine as well.

[00:05:03] And little do I know she sends me a message saying it's not going to work and she starts

[00:05:06] dating him three days after.

[00:05:09] Right?

[00:05:10] As she posted on her social media.

[00:05:13] And of course I was devastated.

[00:05:15] Not only did she leave me once for someone else now she left me again for someone else

[00:05:18] and I fell for that trap you know.

[00:05:20] Shame, fooled me once, shamed on you, fooled me twice, shamed on me.

[00:05:23] I was of course the one who has been shamed on.

[00:05:26] And within four months of the break up I was still in a good amount of pain but I was doing

[00:05:32] much better and I find out that my best friend was interested in me sexually and romantically

[00:05:39] and she wanted to start a relationship with me as well.

[00:05:43] And okay so that's good.

[00:05:45] We started a relationship and all of a sudden my mind just forgets about my ex.

[00:05:48] Like, oops gone, pain gone absolutely.

[00:05:50] As I started falling into infatuation I wanted to spend all my time I could

[00:05:54] live with her and so on and so forth.

[00:05:57] And that relationship only lasts for around two months as I've gotten needy and she did

[00:06:01] not want anything to do with the neediness.

[00:06:05] And she leaves me and now not only am I devastated from the first break up as I didn't

[00:06:09] completely heal from the first one I also not have to deal with this one as I've

[00:06:14] just now rejected twice.

[00:06:16] And to make matters worse she then dates someone else, her best friend, her best

[00:06:23] friend at the time a month after we broke up.

[00:06:26] So not only did, although our relationship was only two months long it still felt painful

[00:06:31] to see someone that I had put investment into move on very quickly.

[00:06:37] I enter my freshman year of college and I meet this girl.

[00:06:41] I thought she was gorgeous, she was tall, she was beautiful when we had and she seemed

[00:06:46] interested so I had decided to talk to her.

[00:06:50] And my idea was that I was just going to get laid and I was just having fun in college

[00:06:53] and you know just going to have some fun no need for a relationship.

[00:06:57] And she had completely changed my mind as we were incredibly compatible and it seemed

[00:07:03] pretty borderline perfect.

[00:07:05] So we started a relationship and we had our own relationship problems and our own

[00:07:10] relationship problems were let's just say the two they were mostly coming from me.

[00:07:19] My two biggest problems were my addiction to pornography and I would say mean things

[00:07:27] or things that she didn't really like to hear based off my now red pill mindset that I

[00:07:34] had created.

[00:07:36] So in this relationship was my most intimate relationship out of every girl I've ever

[00:07:41] been with and I was her first for everything as well.

[00:07:45] I was her first for sex.

[00:07:46] We were each other's first to shower, to clean together, to sleep together, to cook together,

[00:07:53] to use the bathroom in front of one another and so on and so forth a very intimate relationship

[00:07:58] it was eight months long so not the longest but also not the shortest.

[00:08:01] Most of our arguments came from me not being able to quit pornography and sometimes

[00:08:07] the comments I'd make like something like that or vulgar sexual humor that she

[00:08:13] down like and I caught and I just you know fell off guard and didn't really realize I

[00:08:17] was doing it.

[00:08:19] That's where most it all started and so but you're not really here to listen to my

[00:08:24] relationship problems and why the breakup occurred but but yeah I guess I get yes

[00:08:31] I guess telling you why the breakup occurred and what happened after so the breakup

[00:08:34] occurs and in between it all we were hugging we were kissing she was still

[00:08:40] calling my pet name she was telling me and she told me all these things so she

[00:08:44] told me she was in love with me she did not want to leave me that she had to leave

[00:08:47] me so that I would change and that maybe we could see what would happen in the

[00:08:51] future.

[00:08:53] So the breakup occurs and I'm very pumped up in full of energy to finally

[00:08:59] change my bad habits and my ways to get rid of my video game problems that

[00:09:04] were caused from the porn addiction and all these things many problems I knew

[00:09:07] that I had to solve right now so that I could win her back because I felt you know

[00:09:11] she loved me she was invested into our relationship and I loved her and so on.

[00:09:14] Well come to find out two months into the breakup I find out that she's

[00:09:20] already in a new relationship matching neck matching ring little necklaces and

[00:09:24] all and of course I was devastated.

[00:09:27] I felt very shafted of it all and to say that how I did not see her her

[00:09:36] behavior just jumping into a new relationship although now both of them

[00:09:42] are in new relationships so X1 and X2 apparently and my friend as I used to

[00:09:48] wish pain for them but now I just wish no pain of course because I could see

[00:09:53] how everything went down and now for X3 I have not been looking at social

[00:09:58] media and I wish her pain as well.

[00:10:00] Funny enough.

[00:10:02] Rebounds are considered to be a very frivolous thing to talk about and for

[00:10:23] me it's always been something which is a very challenging emotion it also

[00:10:28] forces us to confront different things about our lives but what I do want to

[00:10:35] say is that yes rebounds and crushes they do pump our happiness when you're

[00:10:42] going through a breakup you're rejected and it fills us with a lot of pain and

[00:10:49] a lot of self doubt and a lot of self pity and when a crush comes along and

[00:10:53] tells us that we are good and funny and smart and pretty and beautiful all of

[00:10:58] that and we are attractive and we are desirable it just pumps up our lives

[00:11:05] with happiness but that set rebounds can also get you down because I was

[00:11:11] just speaking to a friend of mine and she'd been having a lot of rebounds and

[00:11:15] she told me that she feels incomplete and she was almost on the verge of a

[00:11:20] breakdown because all of this was just getting too much for her I suggested to

[00:11:25] her that she takes some time off from this rebound dating and focus on

[00:11:31] herself focus on her happiness focus on her friends so yes while rebounds

[00:11:37] and crushes and all the compliments can pump our happiness they can also get us

[00:11:42] down so be careful

[00:11:47] and that is why for this podcast I talked to Dr. Kamna Chibber she's the head of

[00:11:51] mental health at Fortis Guru Gram I wanted to understand from her from a

[00:11:56] psychological point of view how we should take rebounds

[00:12:01] so there are obviously two sides to this one is that how did one person

[00:12:05] end up jumping from one relationship quickly to another one

[00:12:08] where in this person was able to make that shift of health that need that in

[00:12:13] order for me to feel more whole or more my own self I need to get that

[00:12:19] reinforcement from the other now that's one part of it the other side is

[00:12:22] what is it doing to the other person from with whom you had that

[00:12:26] breakup that person of course goes through their own struggle now and

[00:12:30] trying to interpret their own meaning and value in their partner's life

[00:12:35] that you know okay was I only worth this much or was I only this this much

[00:12:40] a part of this person's life that all it took was for them to go

[00:12:44] you know go into or get into another relationship on the rebound with

[00:12:48] someone else and they're able to move fast what they don't realize it

[00:12:52] realizes that actually the person is not past them or over them it's in

[00:12:57] fact the fact that they're having more thoughts about their partner and

[00:13:01] they're also seeking that connection that sometimes makes them do these

[00:13:04] kind of actions to feel better to be able to you know go ahead and start

[00:13:09] living their life in a more wholesome manner and that can be very

[00:13:14] devastating for you as someone who's seeing your ex go on the rebound

[00:13:20] and move into other relations can certainly be extremely difficult

[00:13:25] but it's very important to ensure that you know one is not attaching

[00:13:29] meanings or references to one's own self worth

[00:13:34] or you know being good enough in the context of a relationship with that

[00:13:38] you know guys what Dr. Kamna here is saying is important generally also

[00:13:43] for us in life because we do tend to view ourselves with how others

[00:13:49] view us and that is a big mistake most of us we tend to derive a value

[00:13:54] of how we are and how good we are in the context of others

[00:14:00] how people perceive us in our jobs how people perceive us in our

[00:14:04] relationships how our partner thinks we are how our parents think we

[00:14:09] are we don't have any inner sense of centric

[00:14:14] that how we are is enough so I think that is why it's important to ask

[00:14:22] yourself before going into a rebound why am I doing this

[00:14:28] what is the reason for me to do this rebound and for that

[00:14:32] Sejal Bhatt a comedian from Bombay has a very interesting test

[00:14:41] okay here's the question I would ask would taking away the presence

[00:14:46] of this rebound person make you feel somewhat like invalidated

[00:14:51] somewhat half somewhat like empty somewhat like needy I think then it's

[00:14:57] a problem I think that's our trade with yeah that's actually very good

[00:15:01] to ask whether you know this person is making you happy or their

[00:15:05] compliments are actually making you happy

[00:15:08] yeah this person was replaced by any other person like a machine and they

[00:15:12] did the same thing for you would it have the same effect like a

[00:15:16] very emotional dildo if you had would that also fulfill the same

[00:15:21] criteria I think it's a point of like self reflection that you

[00:15:26] have to do like if you feel like the need to be even with

[00:15:29] another person comes not from companionship and like wanting

[00:15:32] to share your joy and all of that but rather from like

[00:15:35] like a desperate need for someone to validate you on like

[00:15:39] on anything on how smart you are or how cool you are or clever or funny

[00:15:44] or intelligent or whatever like those are the objectives I have

[00:15:47] always been hung up about I think then you know that it's

[00:15:50] probably unhealthy for you in the long run but guys here's my

[00:15:54] take okay do not go by the urban dictionary definition of

[00:15:57] rebounds because rebounds can also sometimes take you to

[00:16:02] the one Sejal here has a much needed happy story for all

[00:16:09] of you rebounding us tell me more about this friend of yours I mean how

[00:16:13] was the story

[00:16:16] Oh her um her was like a bit of an impulse decision I guess it's a

[00:16:23] rebound arranged marriage actually is what happened she had a

[00:16:27] breakup it was like they had like a her previous

[00:16:31] version and her had a long like two three-year relationship

[00:16:34] and then um somewhere around I think Jan or so they broke up and then

[00:16:39] February there was some guy her parents showed her and she was like yeah you

[00:16:42] know what I'll just take it I'll rebound marry and everyone was like no don't

[00:16:46] and they've been happily married for like a while now and like

[00:16:50] genuinely happily married it's not like uh oh I just now have to put up a

[00:16:54] you know front because I just made the terrible decision or anything

[00:16:58] they just recently celebrated their first anniversary and from all I know

[00:17:01] they're actually quite happy because I will be together soon

[00:17:04] wow that is such a happy story guys but that leaves me wondering are rebounds

[00:17:12] to be considered a happy ending or should we stick to the popular notion

[00:17:19] of rebounds being a self-inflicted wound that will fester over time

[00:17:26] well you know I do think that it could be both or it could be none

[00:17:33] but one thing that I'm sure about is that rebounds are a part of this journey

[00:17:41] that we call life rebounds can put us on the path to intense self-discovery

[00:17:48] they can make us realize what is it that we really need in a relationship

[00:17:54] they can also be a comforting thing when life has punched us in the face

[00:18:02] but the important thing to realize is why are you going for a rebound have you

[00:18:08] healed yourself properly or are you just going to someone

[00:18:13] with whom you can temporarily belong if you have any rebound story to share

[00:18:19] with us then please send it to us in the comment section

[00:18:23] and before I go let me remind you that if you liked listening to this podcast

[00:18:28] then you can subscribe to the quince channel on apple google podcast

[00:18:32] spotify and the many many different platforms that we are on right now

[00:18:38] i'm divyani retin pal if you had any feedback for me you can send it to me

[00:18:42] i am on facebook twitter and instagram you can also log on to the quince

[00:18:47] website and check out the podcast section if you have any feedback

[00:18:51] for me shoot me an email at podcast at thequine.com

[00:18:56] until the next time ciao