Breakups and Insecurities

[00:00:00] I started stammering while I would talk.

[00:00:06] Thinking, I wasn't enough, I wasn't enough, I wasn't enough.

[00:00:14] For the guys who were a performer and have been on the stage for a long, long time,

[00:00:19] I started stammering while I would talk.

[00:00:21] You asked yourself, at what point did I falter as a person?

[00:00:26] Or at what point did we falter as a unit?

[00:00:37] When I got dumped, I felt really unworthy.

[00:00:41] I felt like I was so easily replaceable.

[00:00:44] But that's what breakups do.

[00:00:49] They give us truckloads of insecurities.

[00:00:54] And that's exactly what we're going to talk about in this episode of How I Dealt With It,

[00:00:59] a podcast about breakups and all the mess around it.

[00:01:05] And in this episode, we are going to be talking about insecurities after a breakup.

[00:01:10] How they are completely normal and how we can actually handle them better.

[00:01:17] I am Divyani Ratanpal.

[00:01:19] If my name seems too complicated, you can just call me Divyani or D.

[00:01:25] So guys, let's just begin the program.

[00:01:27] Let's start with the card.

[00:01:29] In 3, 2, 1.

[00:01:31] Divyanshu Malhotra usually develops scripts.

[00:01:44] But when his breakup happened, he started developing insecurities.

[00:01:50] Massive insecurities.

[00:02:09] So Divyanshu is the creative lead at Yuvva, a digital platform.

[00:02:19] He is very open about his feelings.

[00:02:22] He's very open about how his breakup affected him.

[00:02:26] And if you ask him how breakups can make you insecure, here's what he says.

[00:02:33] It was totally being triggered by the breakup because I was living in a bubble before that, to be very honest.

[00:02:39] I mean, I had seen a share of struggle in terms of career, but I was living in a bubble.

[00:02:43] What the breakup between me was actually as I am saying, going into ground zero and everything started from there.

[00:02:50] Divyani is a very important part of the insecurities is also when you start seeing the other person happy.

[00:02:55] Yeah.

[00:02:57] That's just... oh man, it just kills you.

[00:03:02] For me, I think the problem is that I'm like if I'm sulking, if I'm unhappy, why is this person so happy?

[00:03:08] Exactly.

[00:03:09] You know and then there are levels of questions here,

[00:03:12] This person is happy, this means I was never such an important person.

[00:03:16] Probably, that's his Instagram picture is not happy.

[00:03:20] Probably, the likes from that Instagram picture, they will make him happy, they are not happy in the picture.

[00:03:27] And you know, especially I think I am a serial laugh faker.

[00:03:32] So it's like all my photos are so happy, happy.

[00:03:34] But I don't know that 10 minutes before that, I was crying.

[00:03:37] Yeah.

[00:03:39] It's very instinctive for me to just smile at the camera.

[00:03:42] But that doesn't mean I'm happy.

[00:03:44] Exactly.

[00:03:45] Exactly.

[00:03:46] To laugh and to be happy are completely different emotions altogether.

[00:03:49] Yeah.

[00:03:50] And we just start thinking, this person is so happy.

[00:03:54] This person is breaking my bones in life.

[00:03:59] I feel that through our mutual friends,

[00:04:02] the other humans are already on Tinder.

[00:04:05] I'm still in that pain.

[00:04:07] How did that person come to the 6th stage of the breakup when I was on the 2nd stage?

[00:04:13] There are more insecurities coming from there because you believe yourself equal.

[00:04:19] The denial we want to stay in is breakup when I'm a mutual.

[00:04:24] There's no such thing as a mutual friend.

[00:04:28] Yeah.

[00:04:29] That's the...

[00:04:30] It's about one person and then we have to be mutual about it.

[00:04:34] Exactly.

[00:04:35] That's the biggest denial we stayed.

[00:04:38] Yeah.

[00:04:39] Mutually.

[00:04:40] Then you're like,

[00:04:41] I'm not a human being,

[00:04:43] but after we're engaged, we're mutual.

[00:04:46] Okay guys, so quick question.

[00:04:51] Do you compare yourself to your ex's new partner?

[00:04:55] Don't worry, you are not alone.

[00:04:57] I think a lot of us do it and I asked Devanshu, he's also done it.

[00:05:01] So I think we are all guilty of it.

[00:05:05] You start comparing yourself with the other person that your ex partner is now seeing.

[00:05:12] Oh yeah, why not?

[00:05:14] I think my...

[00:05:16] So I've had 3 serious relationships before,

[00:05:21] what I have now,

[00:05:23] so I've had like 3 of them and 2 of them are married,

[00:05:28] one of them has a kid and one of them is engaged.

[00:05:30] So it's all there and like,

[00:05:32] everything is in your life.

[00:05:34] And I always say to my ex partner,

[00:05:38] what's in it?

[00:05:39] Because you just want to think,

[00:05:42] I could reach over the other,

[00:05:44] because that is where you try to find a little bit of respect in that relationship.

[00:05:51] So there are 2 sides to it,

[00:05:53] 1. Question,

[00:05:54] I didn't get enough.

[00:05:56] 2. Jealousy.

[00:05:59] Why is the other person with that person,

[00:06:03] what was the problem here?

[00:06:05] Do you also feel that you're in some way lacking something

[00:06:09] and that partner is better than you?

[00:06:13] Yeah, why not?

[00:06:15] I mean, you know, there are obvious points for it

[00:06:20] and then there are made up points for it.

[00:06:22] You see that photo with your ex partner,

[00:06:25] with someone else's partner,

[00:06:27] with their current partner.

[00:06:28] You see that photo with 10-15 fancy fairy lights,

[00:06:36] and you see a family photo and you say,

[00:06:40] this is more than me.

[00:06:42] Or you see that photo,

[00:06:44] you see that this guy has the ads in his t-shirt.

[00:06:49] I think that is the reason.

[00:06:50] Or you see his picture on a trip,

[00:06:54] he's on a mountain.

[00:06:55] And then you're like,

[00:06:56] this guy is more adventurous than me.

[00:06:58] He's a freelancer,

[00:06:59] I'm stuck in a job and he has more time.

[00:07:01] You just try to reduce all theories to think

[00:07:06] how the other person is better than you.

[00:07:09] Because from instant comparison,

[00:07:12] we don't think and we don't realize that our ex partner

[00:07:19] as a human, just like you,

[00:07:22] is also growing up in life

[00:07:24] and probably realizing that yes,

[00:07:26] at 23 they would have wanted a Josheela Theater Artist

[00:07:30] to be a partner and at 27 when they've kind of become

[00:07:33] a little mature in life,

[00:07:35] that is not where they see their life going.

[00:07:37] Okay, so here's what we have established till now,

[00:07:40] that insecurities are pretty normal,

[00:07:43] that a lot of us have them.

[00:07:45] Actually I think all of us have them.

[00:07:48] And also what we have learned is that

[00:07:52] as any normal human,

[00:07:54] it is just okay to accept that you are feeling insecure.

[00:07:59] And that a breakup is a perfectly legitimate trigger

[00:08:04] to trigger your insecurities.

[00:08:07] But look at us humans,

[00:08:09] we keep looking for these false metrics

[00:08:13] or these false competitions

[00:08:16] in which we feel better than our ex or our ex's partner.

[00:08:22] I've done stupid random shit like Googling my ex's name

[00:08:26] and seeing that yes, his photo is on Google,

[00:08:29] his three-page photo is on my first page,

[00:08:31] my seven-page photo is more famous.

[00:08:33] Okay bye.

[00:08:35] Like random ego boosts you want.

[00:08:38] Emotions are anyway so complicated

[00:08:51] and I think movies and songs and series,

[00:08:55] they just end up complicating them even more.

[00:08:59] Like for example in the case of insecurities,

[00:09:01] like to VSE breakup,

[00:09:03] insecurities, data and plus songs and movies,

[00:09:07] they end up making sure

[00:09:10] that you replay these insecurities in your head

[00:09:13] again and again and again.

[00:09:15] Remember that line from Adele's song,

[00:09:18] Someone Like You?

[00:09:20] I guess she gave you things

[00:09:23] I didn't give to you.

[00:09:25] Okay clearly I am not Adele but

[00:09:27] you guys get the point okay.

[00:09:29] She says I guess she gave you things

[00:09:31] I didn't give to you.

[00:09:33] Insecurity level 101.

[00:09:36] When I asked screenwriter Sillagna Chatterjee

[00:09:42] what she thinks is the impact of cinema

[00:09:45] on our own insecurities,

[00:09:47] here's what she said.

[00:09:50] Yes I think it makes us slightly more dramatic

[00:09:55] when we are going through things

[00:09:57] because at least this is true for me.

[00:09:59] Like the moment I am going through a heartbreak

[00:10:02] or a breakup,

[00:10:04] I would actually instead of listening to happy songs

[00:10:07] I would rather listen to a Tune Jona Ka Ha

[00:10:10] Ma Hai Wo Sunta Raha and a Ye Dhooria

[00:10:13] and I am like okay this song is made for me.

[00:10:16] Cinema and entertainment has been the main reason

[00:10:20] why most of the people

[00:10:22] actually art for that matter has been the main reason

[00:10:25] why people romanticize pain,

[00:10:27] people romanticize tragedy,

[00:10:29] people romanticize any kind of melancholy.

[00:10:34] But does that mean we have no control

[00:10:37] over our insecurities?

[00:10:39] Does that mean we should allow them to run,

[00:10:42] help us, help us and just make a mess out of our lives?

[00:10:45] No guys, absolutely no.

[00:10:48] We need to learn how to maintain our insecurities

[00:10:52] because they are always going to be there okay.

[00:10:55] We just need to curb them so they do not mess up

[00:10:59] with our minds.

[00:11:01] That's exactly what musician and LGBTQ rights activist

[00:11:05] Sukhneed Kaur says.

[00:11:07] Sukhneed was brave enough to tell me and admit

[00:11:12] that she too has her fair share of insecurities

[00:11:15] and that was brought upon by the fact

[00:11:19] that she was cheated upon many times in her relationships

[00:11:23] but she works consistently to get rid of them

[00:11:27] and I really really appreciate this thing about her.

[00:11:32] Sukhneed has ensured that she has a very strong

[00:11:36] emotional solid core that remains undefeated

[00:11:41] and undeterred by what anybody thinks about her

[00:11:45] or by how anybody treats her.

[00:11:48] I would say if I see insecurities in a relationship

[00:11:52] they definitely, I mean I have trained myself to do this

[00:11:56] and it is to not look at it in the narrow way

[00:11:59] that you see insecurities but to take a step back

[00:12:02] and look at them in a much larger context.

[00:12:06] So for example if someone cheats on me

[00:12:09] which has happened a bunch of times

[00:12:12] there is that one layer of me

[00:12:15] that is absolutely distraught and horrified

[00:12:22] and just all of those negative things

[00:12:25] and unable to even rationally take stock of the situation

[00:12:29] and just thinking I wasn't enough, I wasn't enough, I wasn't enough

[00:12:33] and the other person then had to go and seek somebody else.

[00:12:37] That's one part of me

[00:12:40] and that insecurity in the beginning always,

[00:12:42] I mean it's always there, you know, you're human

[00:12:45] and I'm not very then and I'm not very evolved

[00:12:50] in my relationship with myself

[00:12:54] but I always make it a point to as I said take a step back

[00:12:59] and look at it objectively.

[00:13:02] You know I studied in college in my psychology textbook

[00:13:06] that when people cheat on you

[00:13:09] they are not very often about you as a person

[00:13:12] but about them as a person

[00:13:14] and I don't mean this sarcastic route got to it

[00:13:17] but it's just how we are kind of built as people.

[00:13:21] So when you were feeling insecure about being cheated on

[00:13:27] did you let that affect your self-esteem in any way?

[00:13:32] Again, I feel like that's the initial reaction yes

[00:13:36] because you know over the other person

[00:13:39] more attractive or far more engaging than I am

[00:13:43] or maybe they just have a better dynamic

[00:13:46] with the other person that I could never have

[00:13:49] even though I tried to cultivate it

[00:13:51] even though we tried to cultivate it

[00:13:53] all of those things are initially there obviously

[00:13:56] but again as I said I make it a point

[00:13:59] to not let it have a long term effect on my self-esteem.

[00:14:02] I think the truth is that when something ends

[00:14:05] and we think that we have failed

[00:14:08] we will end up feeling insecure

[00:14:11] there's no two ways about it

[00:14:13] but still we should try our level best

[00:14:17] to rise above them

[00:14:19] and it's a daily process guys

[00:14:21] I mean for example in my case

[00:14:23] there are days when I feel really insecure

[00:14:25] because of something that somebody had said to me in the past

[00:14:29] and there are days when I work so hard on myself

[00:14:34] that I don't let it affect me at all

[00:14:37] so insecurity is which arrives from what somebody has said about you

[00:14:41] or how somebody has treated you

[00:14:43] or how somebody has mistreated you

[00:14:47] they are a fact of life

[00:14:49] and they will always remain

[00:14:51] but you have it in you

[00:14:53] to control your emotions

[00:14:55] and to control all of your insecurities

[00:14:57] I mean you should not live with hate after the point of time

[00:15:00] or with disappointment

[00:15:02] because insecurities, disappointment, questions, hate

[00:15:06] they are only killing you

[00:15:08] they're not affecting the other person

[00:15:10] and here's a tip from my side

[00:15:12] like I was really thinking about

[00:15:14] how should I convince people to fight their insecurities

[00:15:16] and imagine this

[00:15:18] think of your insecurity as that auto driver

[00:15:21] that you will fight with for 10 rupees

[00:15:24] you're like, I have to go

[00:15:27] I mean I will go for 50 rupees

[00:15:30] and the brother is like, no I won't take you

[00:15:33] no brother, I will have to go

[00:15:35] no brother, I won't take you

[00:15:37] you will have to go

[00:15:39] how we just latch on to what we believe in

[00:15:43] what we believe is that price of that auto ride

[00:15:46] that is the conviction that we need

[00:15:49] when we are battling with our insecurities

[00:15:51] insecurities like, no you're not worth it

[00:15:53] you're like, I am worth it

[00:15:55] I will tell you, I am worth it

[00:15:57] so I think that

[00:15:59] you should channelize the inner Indian in you

[00:16:02] you should channelize the inner

[00:16:04] auto driver warrior in you

[00:16:06] and just not give up

[00:16:09] and with that we come to the end of this podcast

[00:16:12] I hope you liked it

[00:16:14] and for those of you who stuck around till the end

[00:16:17] I cannot thank you enough

[00:16:19] I hope you get rid of all of your insecurities

[00:16:23] that have been caused by some

[00:16:25] ex or some break up

[00:16:28] and not let it affect you from living your best life

[00:16:31] and if you like this podcast

[00:16:34] subscribe to how I dealt with it

[00:16:36] on Apple and Google podcasts

[00:16:39] you can also subscribe to it on Spotify

[00:16:42] you can follow me Divyaan Irrath and Paal

[00:16:45] on social media

[00:16:46] I'm on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram

[00:16:49] this podcast is hosted by the Quint

[00:16:52] and you can check out their podcast

[00:16:55] on the big story of the days called

[00:16:58] the Big Story on Apple, Google and Spotify

[00:17:02] and for those of you guys who

[00:17:04] enjoyed this podcast and keep writing into me

[00:17:07] thank you so much for your messages

[00:17:09] they really mean a lot

[00:17:11] and yeah that's it guys

[00:17:13] that's the end of the podcast

[00:17:15] for that I just want to tell you guys that

[00:17:17] if you think that you're not worth

[00:17:20] love, affection or something great in your life

[00:17:23] you are wrong, you are worthy of every damn thing

[00:17:26] you're worthy of love, you're worthy of affection

[00:17:28] you are worthy of all the great things in life

[00:17:31] and do not let your break up

[00:17:34] or your bad ex tell you otherwise

[00:17:37] rise above it and I know

[00:17:39] that you're gonna rock it in life

[00:17:41] okay thank you so much

[00:17:43] and lots of love and positivity always

[00:17:46] ciao