Episode # 21 - The Art of Asking the Right Questions

[00:00:03] Hello and welcome to today's episode of Eloquence Echoes with Tanuja.

[00:00:10] Today, we're diving into a skill that has the power to transform your communication, your life, your relationships.

[00:00:19] It's something you've been doing all your life but probably never realized how much it impacts all of these.

[00:00:25] And your career and success as well.

[00:00:28] I'm talking about the art of asking the right questions.

[00:00:36] Most people believe that communication is all about speaking, delivering the right words in the right way.

[00:00:43] But the truth is, asking the right questions is equally important.

[00:00:48] So let's break down why this matters and how it can change your life.

[00:00:52] Once, in a driving class, the instructor asked his group of students a simple question.

[00:01:00] What makes you go at speed?

[00:01:02] Almost everyone immediately said, the accelerator.

[00:01:07] But one student gave a surprising answer.

[00:01:11] The brakes.

[00:01:12] The room went silent.

[00:01:16] The instructor smiled and said, exactly.

[00:01:19] Without the brakes, no one would dare accelerate.

[00:01:23] That one question and its answer changed how the students saw driving forever.

[00:01:33] Brakes help you slow down, change directions, stop and reroute if needed.

[00:01:40] Similarly, in the car called life, what helps you slow down and redirect your life's journey, purpose and growth are not the answers you have or know, but the questions you ask.

[00:01:53] When faced with a difficulty, asking the right question helps.

[00:01:58] For example, what is its solution?

[00:02:01] Or who can help me in this?

[00:02:04] These questions will let you navigate smoothly through challenges, unlock the clarity and reach your goals faster with confidence and precision.

[00:02:15] Similarly, just like the brakes in the car, a thoughtful, well-structured question is what gives you control in conversations too.

[00:02:26] Without them, conversations speed ahead without direction, clarity or purpose.

[00:02:31] But when you ask the right question, you have the power to pause, reflect and guide the discussion wherever it needs to be going.

[00:02:40] Yet, I'm surprised by the inaction of the people to ask questions.

[00:02:47] There are three main reasons why we do not ask questions or rather why we lack the curiosity to notice things and ask about them.

[00:03:00] Number one is fear.

[00:03:02] This is one of the main reasons for stopping us from asking questions.

[00:03:07] We fear the judgment of the other person.

[00:03:10] We fear, what if I have asked a dumb question?

[00:03:14] People may laugh at me.

[00:03:16] But let me tell you, asking a dumb question, although there is no such question, every question is a proper question from the standpoint of the asker,

[00:03:28] will make you a fool for a day.

[00:03:31] Not asking it will make you a fool throughout your life.

[00:03:35] So choose what you want to be.

[00:03:40] Second is shyness.

[00:03:43] There are people who have a very good question to ask, but still, they do not ask because they are too shy and they do not want attention.

[00:03:54] The third reason is ego.

[00:03:59] And this is dangerous.

[00:04:02] Fighting your fear is much easier than fighting with your ego.

[00:04:05] We do not ask questions because we think we know it or we can find it ourselves.

[00:04:12] What is the cost of inaction to ask questions?

[00:04:17] When you avoid asking questions, there are several disadvantages, both in personal and professional contexts.

[00:04:26] There is lack of clarity in the absence of asking questions.

[00:04:31] You risk misunderstandings and confusion by not seeking the necessary information or clarification.

[00:04:40] For example, in a meeting, you don't ask for clarification on a project deadline.

[00:04:46] Later, you realize you misunderstood the timeline and your team falls behind schedule, causing stress and potential conflict.

[00:04:57] The second disadvantage is that you'll miss the opportunities.

[00:05:04] You'll miss the valuable insights, the solutions, the growth opportunities which you would have got if you had asked questions.

[00:05:14] For example, you meet someone who has traveled extensively to places you want to visit.

[00:05:22] You don't ask for travel tips or recommendations and you miss valuable insights that could have enhanced your future trips.

[00:05:31] The third disadvantage is assumptions and misinterpretations that are going to enter your relationships.

[00:05:40] This is especially with focus on interpersonal relationships.

[00:05:45] When you avoid asking questions, it will lead to incorrect assumptions about your significant other or the rest of the family members.

[00:05:58] This will result in poor decisions and strained relationships.

[00:06:03] For example, you assume that your partner understands your needs, even if they don't ask you directly.

[00:06:13] But over time, this leads to miscommunication and frustration in the relationship.

[00:06:20] There is an invisible power in asking questions.

[00:06:25] Yes, invisible power.

[00:06:28] What happens when you ask questions?

[00:06:30] It is the key to mastering any skill or the subject.

[00:06:36] With the right questions, you gather accurate information, understand others' perspectives, make informed decisions and strengthen an existing connection.

[00:06:51] But what makes a good question?

[00:06:53] What makes a question right?

[00:06:55] To know what are good questions, you must first know what are bad questions.

[00:07:01] So let's see what gets categorized under bad questions.

[00:07:09] First is the closed-ended questions.

[00:07:13] And these questions are which have a simple answer in yes or no.

[00:07:19] These questions are very good for asking something specific.

[00:07:24] However, they limit your conversation.

[00:07:27] They don't allow you to take the conversation further.

[00:07:31] So, they are definitely going to end the conversation as early as it has begun.

[00:07:37] For example, do you like the new project?

[00:07:40] Yes or no will be the answer.

[00:07:42] Instead, you should ask, what do you like about the new project?

[00:07:46] The second harm with bad questions or what is termed as a bad question is a leading question.

[00:07:56] These are those that suggest a particular answer to the respondent and can result in a biased response.

[00:08:07] For example, you think the new project is great, don't you?

[00:08:12] No, you are already assuming that the other person knows it is great or other person considers it as great.

[00:08:19] And then you are just confirming it.

[00:08:21] So, they already suggest a particular answer.

[00:08:24] And then, obviously, they will lead to a biased response.

[00:08:30] The third kind of a question that comes under this category is a loaded question.

[00:08:37] These contain assumptions that can put the respondent on the defensive.

[00:08:45] For example, why are you always late?

[00:08:50] So, you already assumed that the person is always late, even if that person is once or twice only late.

[00:08:57] Or, maybe that person has arrived but is busy somewhere.

[00:09:03] So, why are you always late?

[00:09:06] Makes the other person or the respondent come on a defensive mode.

[00:09:13] They will immediately start giving excuses or explaining things.

[00:09:18] Instead, this question.

[00:09:21] Can you tell me what challenges you face with time management?

[00:09:26] This is a much better question.

[00:09:28] The person will be able to share, open up what is plaguing him to reach on time or any other issue.

[00:09:38] Now, let's understand what makes a good question, a right question.

[00:09:43] Is it etiquette or grammatical structure?

[00:09:48] No, it goes beyond these two things.

[00:09:53] A good question stimulates thought.

[00:09:57] For example, what would you do if you had unlimited time and resources?

[00:10:05] See, now the person will think and then answer you.

[00:10:10] Second thing what it does is, it encourages a good discussion.

[00:10:16] A healthy discussion.

[00:10:19] For example, how do you think technology has changed the way we communicate with each other?

[00:10:24] The third thing it does, it inspires an insightful response.

[00:10:32] Example, what life lesson had you learned from a challenging experience?

[00:10:39] That that person will obviously share his lessons and you will get some learning from his experience.

[00:10:49] So, good questions do all these three things.

[00:10:54] That is, stimulate thought, encourage discussion and inspire an insightful response.

[00:11:00] They also do a very important thing and that is, solve problems and strengthen relationships.

[00:11:10] For example, there is a strain between two people in a relationship.

[00:11:15] Or there is a misunderstanding between them.

[00:11:19] To restore and deepen a strained relationship, the question, a good question could ask,

[00:11:26] how can we better understand each other's perspectives and feelings to move forward positively?

[00:11:35] Or you could ask, what changes or efforts can we both make to strengthen our connection and trust?

[00:11:44] These kind of questions will make your partner open up, share their feelings and expectations demands from you.

[00:12:00] You can sit together and work it out.

[00:12:03] In a sense, right or a good question is that which is relevant, clear and purposeful.

[00:12:12] Such questions are designed to get detailed and thoughtful responses.

[00:12:18] But, what are those?

[00:12:20] So, I give you here the tools to ask such questions.

[00:12:26] The first such tool is, ask open-ended questions.

[00:12:32] These encourage detailed answers.

[00:12:35] For example, what do you think about our new project?

[00:12:39] Questions that start with why, what, when, how, where will always initiate an expansive reply.

[00:12:48] Thereafter, you can build up another question.

[00:12:53] And your conversation is going to be really insightful with ease.

[00:13:00] Second is the probing question.

[00:13:03] Now, under probing question falls those questions that dig deeper.

[00:13:11] And these have two variations.

[00:13:14] So, they are actually the bold explorers that venture into the depths.

[00:13:21] Their mission is to uncover opinions, motivations and the hidden aspects of a situation.

[00:13:28] They often come after a surface level reply and can be initially uncomfortable but give the most outstanding richness.

[00:13:41] When you feel uncomfortable asking such questions, I give you one suggestion how to go about it.

[00:13:49] Take permission from the respondent.

[00:13:51] You could ask, may I ask you some questions to dig deeper into the matter?

[00:13:58] If the respondent gives you a green signal, go ahead.

[00:14:02] Probe further.

[00:14:04] They are extremely helpful to uncover the root cause of the matter.

[00:14:09] One variation of this is asking the five whys.

[00:14:16] Ask why.

[00:14:18] Whatever answer you get, again ask why.

[00:14:21] Why.

[00:14:22] Five times and it will lead you to the root cause of the problem.

[00:14:28] The third type of good question is clarifying question.

[00:14:34] And these are the map makers.

[00:14:38] They ensure that you understand the other person correctly.

[00:14:42] Instead of just assuming that you understood everything.

[00:14:46] Even though your interpretation could be different from what the respondent meant, you could ask.

[00:14:53] Ask through these clarifying options, questions.

[00:14:56] Can you elaborate on that?

[00:14:58] Or, what do you mean by that?

[00:15:02] If there is a gap in your understanding, that would get filled.

[00:15:08] Asking the right question is crucial in many areas of life.

[00:15:13] It's a useful skill in both professional and casual conversations.

[00:15:20] Whether you are networking or solving problems, good questioning is a flexible tool that fits any situation.

[00:15:28] To wrap up, keep in mind the Rudyard Kipling's wisdom.

[00:15:38] I keep six honest serving men.

[00:15:42] Why, how, what, when, where and who.

[00:15:51] This quote emphasizes that effective communication hinges on asking the right questions.

[00:16:01] You will get the right answers then.

[00:16:04] By using these questions, why, what, how, when, where and who.

[00:16:09] You can gain deeper insights.

[00:16:13] Clarify misunderstandings and drive meaningful conversations.

[00:16:18] Mastering the art of asking questions transforms your communication.

[00:16:24] Making it more engaging and impactful.

[00:16:28] That's all in this episode today.

[00:16:31] Hope you liked it.

[00:16:33] See you in the next one.

[00:16:35] Bye-bye.