Surviving Alcoholism: Who Pays the Price For Alcohol Addiction?

[00:00:00] What does alcoholism do to people?

[00:00:23] We were almost on the brink of separating.

[00:00:28] How does it feel when someone you love is an alcoholic?

[00:00:32] Because every night my father was making a ruckus like breaking things, smashing things,

[00:00:38] abusing, saying the filest of things.

[00:00:41] What does alcoholism cost?

[00:00:43] Physical damage.

[00:00:45] I can't, you know, reverse the health damages it has done.

[00:00:49] I can somehow maintain it now.

[00:00:53] But that's about it.

[00:00:55] You're listening to Unmute, The Quint's podcast series where we hear from voices that are

[00:01:01] often muted.

[00:01:08] On this episode, we talked to people living with alcoholism to understand how alcoholism

[00:01:14] tears lives apart.

[00:01:16] I'm your host, Vishnu Gopinath.

[00:01:29] India has at least 14 million alcoholics and this number has gone up by nearly 50% in the

[00:01:37] past 10 years.

[00:01:39] The first person we spoke to is a 53 year old horticulturist.

[00:01:44] His name is Pulleen.

[00:01:46] This is his story.

[00:01:50] I started drinking during my college days.

[00:01:55] Only when I started drinking, everything about alcohol was all hunky-dory.

[00:02:04] It's only when I got addicted, when I started behaving in an uncivilized manner and public

[00:02:15] gatherings and my relatives and my family, they started avoiding such social gatherings.

[00:02:26] I realized that there is something wrong.

[00:02:30] Could you recall any specific instances that come to your mind?

[00:02:33] There are lots of instances.

[00:02:36] My mother was hospitalized and instead of being on a bedside, taking care of her, I

[00:02:52] was waiting.

[00:02:53] I used to wait when my wife would go back to home because only one attendant was allowed

[00:03:01] to stay with her.

[00:03:04] Find time, go to the wine shop and pick up alcohol.

[00:03:13] But this was the level of insanity with me.

[00:03:20] Leaving her unattended for an hour, hour and a half.

[00:03:27] Getting back to the hospital in a state of inabriation and then sleeping off in a black

[00:03:36] cup.

[00:03:39] Without realizing that I was my main purpose of staying in the hospital was to attend my

[00:03:45] mother.

[00:03:47] My son, there's something called as febrile convulsion.

[00:03:54] My son was blown to it.

[00:03:58] His fever would reach above 103 degree Fahrenheit.

[00:04:04] Used to experience convulsions.

[00:04:08] So I distinctly remember during one of these instances when he developed a convulsion, my

[00:04:16] wife was at home.

[00:04:17] She had sent me out to look for a doctor and I instead of looking for a doctor had

[00:04:22] gone because it gave me a chance to go to the wine shop and buy a bottle.

[00:04:37] An alcoholic becomes absolutely selfish.

[00:04:40] He becomes self-centered.

[00:04:45] He just, you know, thinks about the bottle.

[00:04:48] That mental obsession is there all the time.

[00:04:51] 24 hours a day.

[00:04:54] I, self and me.

[00:04:57] That is the ism.

[00:05:01] Alcoholism or alcohol use disorder can affect anyone at any age.

[00:05:07] But those with a family history of alcoholism tend to be more prone to becoming

[00:05:12] alcoholics and often it just takes the right trigger.

[00:05:18] My father came to Bombay in 1969 and lived alone for the next 18-19 years all over the

[00:05:23] city.

[00:05:24] That's when he took up the bottle as most bachelors do.

[00:05:27] The first few years of my life, he didn't drink much but he had a drinking problem.

[00:05:34] That's Rahul's voice.

[00:05:37] My father would not drink the good stuff.

[00:05:40] He liked the cheap stuff because it gave him a strong kick.

[00:05:43] That's how he got addicted because that stuff is really strong.

[00:05:47] Rahul's father and his uncle both suffered from alcohol use disorder.

[00:05:52] His pattern is very simple.

[00:05:53] He wouldn't drink for two to three months and then he'd return to binge drinking

[00:05:57] for the next three weeks straight.

[00:05:59] Those three weeks he'd make up for three months of not drinking and those three

[00:06:02] weeks were basically hell for us at home because it was a 24-7 thing.

[00:06:07] He wouldn't go to work.

[00:06:08] He just had to drink.

[00:06:10] It's like he became a heroin coke or a meth addict and it's not like I want to drink

[00:06:16] every day after work or smoke a joint every day after work.

[00:06:20] It's like I have to drink till my liver fails or I fucking pop.

[00:06:24] So it took a lot of effort from me and my mother to hold him back.

[00:06:28] My mother initially because I was too young until I grew up and I could physically control him.

[00:06:34] But those three weeks my house was it really felt like the Holocaust.

[00:06:39] It was quite dark.

[00:06:41] It was pretty bad because we turned our home into a rehab center.

[00:06:44] We had to lock the door so he wouldn't go out if things got out of hand.

[00:06:49] If he got violent, we had to pin him down.

[00:06:52] Then he'd go into the hangover phase when the alcohol was withdrawing from his body.

[00:06:56] So it vomited buckets after buckets after buckets and it was just ugly and dark.

[00:07:02] And that happened for a very long time.

[00:07:10] Eventually I grew up and I kept telling my father you need to get this under control

[00:07:14] because you are now getting old and your health is not going to keep up with you.

[00:07:18] And one fine day I left Bombay.

[00:07:21] I had left and I'd gone to the northeast where I stayed for three years.

[00:07:25] And my mom was worried because she knew that she couldn't control him all by herself.

[00:07:31] Around September 2012 she gave me a call and said that dad's gone to the bottle again

[00:07:36] and I need to come back home.

[00:07:38] I need to get the situation back in control.

[00:07:40] It was difficult to put things back on track and I had to return back.

[00:07:46] And that shocked my father.

[00:07:48] He didn't expect me to come back home at the drop of a hat for him just because he was drinking.

[00:07:53] And I think that really affected him and he stopped drinking altogether after that

[00:07:58] because he understood that he was putting a lot of pressure on me

[00:08:01] for you know to come back and to take care of him.

[00:08:06] I mean he's left the bottle but the depression has never left him.

[00:08:09] He's so depressed that it's difficult for me to bring the light back to him.

[00:08:16] He blames himself for all the wrong things that he did when he was drinking

[00:08:20] and I have to keep telling him, you know, why don't you look at another way?

[00:08:25] Why don't you see that you enjoyed your life?

[00:08:27] And despite of almost 40 years of drinking, you know, at the age of 72 you still have good health

[00:08:35] and that's really great for you.

[00:08:38] And I ask him why can't he be grateful for the good things in his life, you know?

[00:08:43] But he doesn't get it.

[00:08:44] He's in the twilight of his life and I don't want him to move on with regrets.

[00:08:57] Alcohol addiction has no age barrier.

[00:09:01] It can happen at any age.

[00:09:03] All it takes is the right trigger.

[00:09:07] And that was 22-year-old Sajna's case.

[00:09:13] For me it was like drinking like a quarter once I wake up and have my breakfast

[00:09:18] and then you know I would like sleep throughout the afternoon

[00:09:23] and then wake up and then wait for mom to give me dinner

[00:09:27] and then have like another quarter.

[00:09:29] So yeah, a half a day and that is if I do not go out.

[00:09:33] If I go out I'm definitely gonna have more.

[00:09:35] There would be like four quarters a day.

[00:09:38] And this went on.

[00:09:40] This started when I'm not gonna blame the incident.

[00:09:45] I just used that as an excuse to drink even more.

[00:09:48] So I got knocked up and I had a really bad breakup

[00:09:52] and after that I was just like, you know, I'm just wasting my time on this guy.

[00:09:55] I'm not doing what I want to do.

[00:09:58] And that was the stupidest thing I did because he was like a hardcore stoner, okay?

[00:10:02] And I had just discovered like, you know, the good things about drinking, you know, the fun things.

[00:10:09] So I was like, I want to drink but he would always say, no let's just smoke up.

[00:10:12] So the moment we broke up I was like, you know what?

[00:10:16] I have my freedom of sorts which I did not really need from him

[00:10:21] like even while I was dating or anything.

[00:10:23] But I used that as an excuse and then I started drinking a lot.

[00:10:31] You think you have control over it but you don't?

[00:10:34] Especially when people around you are like, you know, like you when it comes to drinking.

[00:10:40] So in the college, the college that I was in, we had like a take-out very close to our college.

[00:10:46] So we would go there, we would skip classes and go there and drink all day

[00:10:49] and then go back home and then drink even more.

[00:10:52] So it would go to extends where like, you know, if it's past midnight

[00:10:58] and I still haven't passed out yet, I would go out of the house,

[00:11:02] walk till the take-out, get some more, come back home

[00:11:05] and drink until like puke or pass out.

[00:11:06] It was that bad for me.

[00:11:09] And this went on for like 1.5 years again.

[00:11:15] I wouldn't say 2 completely because I stopped going hardcore for like the next 6 months

[00:11:20] because after that I was just like B or Bisky, you know, in moderation

[00:11:23] because I thought yeah, I'm gonna quit it.

[00:11:25] But then I reached a point where it triggered panic disorder

[00:11:30] and like the dependence was so high in me that I had reached a point

[00:11:37] where even drinking wouldn't get me drunk enough.

[00:11:40] Where I stopped enjoying drinking, I just felt the same but more sick and nauseated.

[00:11:50] The more you drink, the more often you drink,

[00:11:53] the more you need to get drunk.

[00:11:56] And this cycle continues till you either stop, your liver stops or you drop.

[00:12:05] So this one time I woke up and the entire night my heart was like beating really fast

[00:12:10] and I googled it and I found that this is like hangover symptom.

[00:12:16] Some people have really bad heart palpitations and then you get panic attacks and everything.

[00:12:24] So it was at that point when I experienced my first ever proper panic attack

[00:12:30] where I really thought I was gonna die and it went on for like a good 40 minutes.

[00:12:35] So I was like I need to go, I need to go to the hospital right now

[00:12:39] because I thought I was getting a heart attack

[00:12:41] and the thing about panic attacks is that it mimics symptoms of a heart attack.

[00:12:48] And after that I just, you know, I couldn't sleep.

[00:12:52] I would have no energy within me like at zero energy levels.

[00:12:58] So I would go to the hospital, they would put me on a trip

[00:13:01] and at that point I had money so I could like cover it up, you know.

[00:13:04] I thought that if I reach that point, I can deal with it.

[00:13:07] You know, maybe it's just the fact that there's not enough nutrients in my body.

[00:13:13] So I'll just go to the hospital whenever I feel like this.

[00:13:17] They would put me on a trip and then I'll be fine.

[00:13:19] After that one panic attack after I got hospitalized, I was so shook.

[00:13:24] I just thought that, fuck it, I can't do this.

[00:13:27] Like I can't deal with this.

[00:13:29] That's when it hit me that you know, I had gone past the point

[00:13:32] because before that, you know, some people learned the hard way obviously.

[00:13:37] So until something really bad happens, you think that, you know,

[00:13:40] I still haven't crossed the line.

[00:13:44] So at that point I thought that okay, I crossed the line

[00:13:46] because I used to dread being awake

[00:13:50] because I would always get like pain in my chest

[00:13:54] and like heart palpitations and panic attacks on and off.

[00:13:57] And you know, my ears would be throbbing from inside,

[00:14:00] my lips would be throbbing and it was just bad.

[00:14:03] And my fingers, they would feel like, you know, they're freezing up from inside.

[00:14:07] So that was really bad.

[00:14:08] And that's when I told my parents that listen, I fucked up.

[00:14:11] I fucked up real bad.

[00:14:12] And then they took me to a psychiatrist.

[00:14:19] Alcoholism takes a toll on your body, your mind

[00:14:23] and your relationships.

[00:14:25] You can't completely reverse like the liver functions.

[00:14:29] You can't, you know, the damage it causes to your cardiac system

[00:14:34] and you know, your cognitive functions.

[00:14:36] Like you cannot reverse them completely.

[00:14:39] The damage is done.

[00:14:39] Like, you know, there are so many lung infections that take place

[00:14:43] solely because of smoking that, you know, and drinking.

[00:14:46] When you're drinking, you are bound to smoke.

[00:14:48] Like some people just do, you know, they're more likely to smoke

[00:14:51] when you're there drinking.

[00:14:53] So yeah, that I can't, you know, reverse like the health damages it has done.

[00:14:59] I can somehow, you know, maintain it now.

[00:15:03] Control it, contain it.

[00:15:05] But that's about it.

[00:15:06] So I'm glad I stopped so early.

[00:15:10] Alcohol use disorder hurts the person suffering from it.

[00:15:15] It tears families apart.

[00:15:17] It leaves anger, pain and regret in its wake.

[00:15:23] What told you to take on your marriage?

[00:15:26] Tremendous.

[00:15:28] We were almost on the brink of, you know, separating.

[00:15:41] I don't know whether we would have been divorced by now

[00:15:46] but we would have definitely separated

[00:15:49] because what was happening was that it was a...

[00:15:53] I was a very bad influence on my son.

[00:15:57] He was a lot of, you know, he's...

[00:16:00] He was very fearful of me.

[00:16:03] He was not a normal child.

[00:16:07] His attitudes.

[00:16:12] So that was the biggest toll.

[00:16:17] And socially, I'd become a person where people had started avoiding me.

[00:16:27] My relatives.

[00:16:30] My friends.

[00:16:32] Because, you know, every time I used to meet

[00:16:35] and there used to be a session of alcohol

[00:16:37] I used to create some problem or the other for them.

[00:16:44] So that's how I realized and that was the toll

[00:16:47] alcohol did on me, on my life.

[00:16:56] My rock bottom was I was in an institution called Marriage

[00:17:01] and I, you know, I had a very bad relationship with my son.

[00:17:09] Even worse, a relationship with my wife

[00:17:13] and a relationship with my mother

[00:17:17] where I used to just expect her to be nice to me

[00:17:23] and I would not feel responsible as a son

[00:17:30] or not fulfill the responsibility of a son.

[00:17:34] The next person I spoke to was Mukund.

[00:17:38] His uncle drank all his life.

[00:17:41] And by the time he stopped, it was too late for him.

[00:17:46] He took to the bottle quite early

[00:17:50] and I think when he hit 17 or something,

[00:17:52] he started drinking.

[00:17:54] And initially from what my mom has told me

[00:17:58] it was never a problem

[00:18:01] but then by the time she hit college, he was 25

[00:18:07] and he wouldn't be harmful to anybody.

[00:18:12] It never translated to physical harm

[00:18:16] but it would land him in trouble.

[00:18:20] So once there'd be many times where they would drag

[00:18:28] the cops would drag my uncle back

[00:18:31] because he was too slosh to walk on his own

[00:18:37] and they would say, excuse me, I was your brother

[00:18:39] and they'd shed light on us.

[00:18:40] And that was really embarrassing

[00:18:42] because during that time a lot of the neighbors

[00:18:45] also started spreading nonsense about the family

[00:18:50] because of that.

[00:18:51] It would be such that the pattern would be such

[00:18:55] that professionally he would land an excellent job

[00:19:00] and lose it within the year because of his alcoholism.

[00:19:06] Not because he'd get drunk at office

[00:19:13] but because he'd get drunk and not end up at work.

[00:19:19] And sometimes he wouldn't be working properly.

[00:19:22] Sometimes he'd just be slacking off

[00:19:23] and that really affected him and even the family.

[00:19:28] Not us but his other...

[00:19:31] like the fifth first cousin

[00:19:33] who would just generally be ragging on him

[00:19:35] and making fun of him because of his alcohol problem.

[00:19:39] Not really looking to help him.

[00:19:48] We had given up on him

[00:19:50] because we kept trying to try to tell him

[00:19:55] to get into an alcohol rehabilitation program

[00:19:58] that we would pay for.

[00:20:00] That he wouldn't have to worry about spending on it

[00:20:03] because we'd spend on it.

[00:20:06] And he didn't listen.

[00:20:10] It really went off the deep end

[00:20:12] somewhere in the late 20s to 2000s,

[00:20:18] like 2009 and 2010.

[00:20:22] Almost because of the constant alcohol abuse

[00:20:28] that got quite...

[00:20:30] I think it was borderline cancerous

[00:20:32] that he had to go to chemo and stuff.

[00:20:35] And that was when it hit us

[00:20:38] that this might be a little more serious than we anticipated.

[00:20:44] We tried getting him off it.

[00:20:45] He still didn't listen, by the way.

[00:20:48] And...

[00:20:50] But finally when around the time,

[00:20:55] like a couple of months before he passed away,

[00:20:58] he finally went cold turkey on it.

[00:21:01] When the withdrawal hit him, he had a soldier to...

[00:21:07] And he was looking like he was ready to make a proper recovery

[00:21:12] and then one friend, he just breathed his last.

[00:21:24] That's what alcoholism does.

[00:21:26] It takes and it takes and it takes

[00:21:29] until there's nothing left.

[00:21:32] It turns people into something they can barely recognize anymore.

[00:21:37] And that's exactly what happened to Karan's family.

[00:21:41] His father had a drinking problem while he was growing up.

[00:21:44] I do the best of my memory.

[00:21:46] Remember, this started when I was in the seventh or eighth grade

[00:21:51] because I had this habit.

[00:21:52] I was a very adventurous and a very naughty kid

[00:21:55] and I used to love climbing trees,

[00:21:56] you know, sneaking out at night and shit like that.

[00:21:59] I happened to sneak in on my parents having a discussion

[00:22:02] and I realized that my father had something in a glass.

[00:22:06] I was drinking it and I assumed it's alcohol

[00:22:08] and I wasn't that naive that I didn't know what alcohol is.

[00:22:12] But I sneaked in on the conversation

[00:22:14] and I remember this thing

[00:22:16] and I couldn't believe what I was hearing

[00:22:19] because I could never imagine my father being so,

[00:22:23] you know, obtusively vile

[00:22:26] and talking about his own children.

[00:22:27] So he was talking to my mother

[00:22:30] and he was telling them that, you know,

[00:22:32] you have to make them fear you.

[00:22:37] They're like animals.

[00:22:39] If they get scared, they'll obey you no matter what.

[00:22:44] But it only reached crisis levels

[00:22:47] when Karan had grown older.

[00:22:51] Because I got a call from my mother.

[00:22:52] I remember that day very clearly.

[00:22:55] And what I remember is that she basically called me

[00:23:02] and she wasn't being able to speak freely.

[00:23:05] And I asked her, what happened?

[00:23:07] Is papa sitting next to you?

[00:23:09] And she said, hmm, that's it.

[00:23:11] That's when I knew that something is terribly wrong.

[00:23:13] So at that very moment, I decided to rush back home

[00:23:18] and what I saw there was horrible

[00:23:21] because every night my father was making a ruckus

[00:23:25] like inside the house, outside the house,

[00:23:27] breaking things, smashing things,

[00:23:30] breaking up doors, abusing, saying the filest of things.

[00:23:34] Like I've never imagined that my father would be capable.

[00:23:38] It has a hold on him that is just sad, you know?

[00:23:46] Like you see, you don't know how the mighty have fallen.

[00:23:49] You see a guy who like taught me trigonometry

[00:23:52] and I'm pathetic at math.

[00:23:54] And I still know the Sincor, Stan, Cosec, Sec.

[00:23:59] Okay, last one I forgot, but yeah.

[00:24:02] I mean, he got me that far.

[00:24:04] He knows so many intelligent things

[00:24:06] and now he's just chosen to throw it all away

[00:24:09] like his entire family.

[00:24:10] We don't even live together anymore.

[00:24:21] I used to be a very...

[00:24:25] I used to be an extrovert,

[00:24:27] but after all this and everything that happened,

[00:24:30] you know, it shatters your confidence.

[00:24:33] And I recently met my father after five years

[00:24:35] because I had a massive alter-sation with him.

[00:24:38] And you know, like it got physical

[00:24:41] and I punches were thrown and it happens.

[00:24:45] You just can't bear to see that anymore.

[00:24:47] You're done.

[00:24:48] At one point you're done.

[00:24:50] You can't see that depravity,

[00:24:51] that just that it broke my heart.

[00:24:57] If you could tell him something right now

[00:24:59] that you could have told him back then,

[00:25:00] what would you tell him?

[00:25:03] You were the best of us.

[00:25:06] Now you've become the worst of us.

[00:25:09] Why are you letting this happen?

[00:25:14] I mean, when he's not drinking,

[00:25:15] the guys are fucking genius.

[00:25:17] Genius, man.

[00:25:21] Alcoholism takes everything.

[00:25:34] But for those who seek recovery

[00:25:36] and make their way over the hurdles,

[00:25:38] they're often rewarded with another chance at life.

[00:25:43] But that's only possible with love, care and support.

[00:25:48] And many times the help of a support program.

[00:25:51] And how is your relationship with your family

[00:25:55] and your close friends?

[00:25:56] It's improved.

[00:25:57] It's improved tremendously.

[00:26:01] I'm more like a friend to my son now.

[00:26:04] And you know that born between a father and a son,

[00:26:11] that's come back.

[00:26:14] That born between the husband and wife that has come back.

[00:26:19] And that born between the mother and the son

[00:26:22] has improved tremendously.

[00:26:28] And I would, you know,

[00:26:34] be grateful to my wife and my family members

[00:26:37] who were responsible for my surprise.

[00:26:40] I have also worked, you know, in the program.

[00:26:46] But they've suffered the most because of my alcoholism.

[00:26:52] So I'm grateful to them.

[00:27:23] That's all we have for you on this episode of Unmute.

[00:27:26] Join us again next time,

[00:27:28] where we'll be talking about surviving revenge porn.