Child Sexual Abuse Never Leaves You: Adult Survivors Speak Up

[00:00:00] You're listening to the Quint's podcast. I just feel because I never said anything

[00:00:14] he thought I enjoyed it, I don't know I should never justify this his wrongdoing.

[00:00:20] This guy would come home on the pretext of seeing me.

[00:00:27] I developed a nightmare problem since then, wherein I get repeated nightmares of abuse happening to me again and again and again.

[00:00:37] And we've been completely helpless and not being able to do anything about it.

[00:00:47] It's not easy to define yourself like that you know? To call yourself what you've heard brave women and men call themselves before

[00:00:55] a child sexual abuse survivor, you probably shaft that memory deep into the recesses of the mind,

[00:01:02] layering over it carefully with instances of normalcy all your life.

[00:01:07] Maybe you were asked to, maybe they asked you to hash it up to sit quiet, to be a good girl and tell nobody I don't know.

[00:01:17] All I know is that I wanted to find the right one.

[00:01:25] I'm Unmi Bhattacharya and you're listening to Unmute, where voices little heard speak out.

[00:01:33] A few months ago, I published an article about this 46 year old woman who faced abuse 33 years ago.

[00:01:41] She was opening up about what she went through for the very first time.

[00:01:45] Listening to her story at the time was both shocking and revealing to me.

[00:01:55] Eventually, I did tell my mother about being raped by my cousin but her reaction was complete disbelief.

[00:02:07] We spoke. I reached out to other adults like her who've never spoken up before but who want to today.

[00:02:14] I wanted to know why.

[00:02:17] If they're coming out with their stories now, here sometimes decades after they were abused,

[00:02:22] would it be for peace, for catharsis, for some semblance of justice?

[00:02:28] Would it be to help others like them who might listen to their voice and want to break their silence too?

[00:02:35] For this podcast, I found five voices, five brave women who are willing to tell me their stories.

[00:02:43] But first a disclaimer.

[00:02:45] The stories you hear now mention sexual assault to some degree and might be triggering for some listeners.

[00:02:52] So please exercise caution.

[00:02:54] Also, we asked each of these women if they wanted to disclose their names and what you hear now is presented with their complete consent.

[00:03:04] Between the ages of 9 and 13, Ishadrita was repeatedly sexually abused.

[00:03:09] She was abused while her father, who was a lung patient, was in the hospital and her mother was taking care of him.

[00:03:15] She was left alone in the care of a family friend who as she puts it took it as a free pass to do anything he wanted to do.

[00:03:29] The time period that I'm talking about, the time period of abuse was between the ages of 9 to 13.

[00:03:37] So I remember how it started. I remember the exact moment. I don't remember exactly how old I was but this person who did it for the longest time.

[00:03:49] He was, you could call him a family friend like he was my aunt's husband.

[00:03:59] I don't know if he was something and he was someone from their side so it was a very distant relative.

[00:04:06] And he used to spend a lot of time at our house.

[00:04:10] I remember distinctly that there was some time when he came home and I just hugged him because he got me a chocolate or something.

[00:04:21] It was a very innocent hug and I remember later in the same day when it started.

[00:04:30] My father passed away when I was 11 and about a year and a half before that he had a very massive attack.

[00:04:39] He was a lung patient and he had a lung disease and he had a very bad attack so much so that at that point actually we had thought that we would probably lose him.

[00:04:50] So he was in the hospital for a long period of time at which point I was alone at home for most of the time because my brother at that point was not at home and he was outside studying engineering.

[00:05:05] So my mother would be at the hospital and I would be alone at home.

[00:05:11] This guy would come home on the pretext of seeing me and then it would just happen.

[00:05:22] He would touch me all over, he would group me, he would rub himself against me.

[00:05:29] You know from time to time he would ask me, you know I do this. I hope you don't mind right? I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, this is the way of showing my love.

[00:05:41] In the time when my father had this major attack and in the time of recovery after he came back from the hospital also I was staying for a long time with my aunt and uncle.

[00:05:52] This guy also used to stay with them many times. Many a times they would leave me alone with him, like leave him to babysit me and there was a free pass for him to do anything that he wanted to do.

[00:06:09] I remember I used to try and avoid him like if he was sitting on the bed I would sleep, I would sit on the floor.

[00:06:14] Eventually I don't know how, I don't remember exactly how it stopped but he kind of faced out of my life.

[00:06:21] I mean I remember just feeling at that point that there was so much happening on my father's end and there was so much that my mother was going through anyway.

[00:06:29] So I just felt like the fact that this was happening to me and that I did not particularly like it was not something that I should have articulated.

[00:06:38] Later I figured out that maybe I should have probably said that to them because that I have a feeling to a certain extent festered.

[00:06:48] I would blame my mother or my brother who is 11 years older to me for not paying enough attention or knowing that child enough to figure out that something was wrong.

[00:07:02] That feeling has wrong gone, it has gone of course with a certain amount of therapy.

[00:07:08] That was her story about what happened then but what about now, what about the life and the living today?

[00:07:21] Ishadrita tells me that she has changed irrevocably. She tells me she doesn't look at sex the same way.

[00:07:29] I found studies which say that sexual abuse survivors often exhibit traits such as a lack of interest in sex, approaching sex is an obligation experiencing negative feelings such as anger, disgust or guilt with touch, feeling emotionally distant or not present during sex and experiencing difficulty maintaining an intimate relationship.

[00:07:51] What does Isshadrita go through? Listen to her and understand.

[00:07:59] I think because of the incident since my teenage life and all through my adult life, I have stopped paying as much importance or stop assigning as much importance to sex or sexual activities as I think a lot of people do.

[00:08:22] There is a certain kind of sacredness that certain people assign to sex which I have never assigned.

[00:08:31] That has led me to be the victim of such shaming, that has led to a lot of misunderstandings, that has led to a lot of mental harassment and heartbreak for different reasons.

[00:08:44] I am what people would call sexually easy quote and quote. There have been multiple incidents in multiple other places by multiple other people but this is really what I would say has stayed on and will stay on for the rest of my life.

[00:09:03] The second person you hear on this podcast is Zija. She's a 27 year old woman who told me when I asked her to share her story, that she had nothing to be embarrassed about, that she had been embarrassed for too long.

[00:09:21] It's taken her almost 20 years to open up about what happened and to acknowledge that what happened to her then was wrong.

[00:09:30] In fact, one night before this recording, she actually told her sisters the truth about her abuser and she hugged them and cried in front of them.

[00:09:42] Zija's abuser is her cousin.

[00:09:45] As you go deeper and deeper into her story, you will hear her say at some point how she danced at her abuser's wedding, how she was embarrassed that she didn't stop him for years and felt guilty,

[00:09:56] that perhaps he thought she actually liked it, that she liked being touched by him.

[00:10:01] It's a common sentiment that among CSA survivors, rain which is an acronym for a popular US sexual assault resource center says and I quote,

[00:10:11] You might feel guilty about not having been able to stop dear views or even blame yourself if you experienced physical pleasure.

[00:10:19] For now, let's listen to Zija's voice. She also chose to use her own name.

[00:10:25] Hi, my name is Zija. I am 27 years old and I was sexually abused when I was in third standard. It happened over a summer vacation when I visited my family.

[00:10:49] My son was in 12th standard at that time. He did it.

[00:10:55] So, it started with him asking us to play this Ghargarg game and me, my sister and another cousin, he used to say that I will be a groom and all three of you will be my wife

[00:11:10] and he will be like, okay, cook food for me and when we used to go serve him the food like one by one, he would take us under the blanket and I don't know what happened with the other two but then he made me hold his penis.

[00:11:26] I don't know, I thought probably this is the game. I just did not know. I was like, okay, this feels weird

[00:11:33] and I don't know for what reason I never spoke to my sister or my cousin about it. This thing continued till sixth standard whenever we used to visit my place.

[00:11:46] Something or the other used to happen. So, there was this instance once where we were sitting in a room and we both were alone and I was drawing something

[00:11:58] and he was lying next to me. He unzipped my jeans and he put his hand inside. I did not know how to respond to that. I just stood up and went.

[00:12:10] So, when did it stop? I mean, I was the one who stopped it. I was at my place and we were lying next to each other.

[00:12:18] We were watching football and he put his hand and grabbed my breast and I put his hand away. Initially, I felt I don't have the courage to do it but then in my head I was like you have to physically tell him not to do it if you can't do it verbally.

[00:12:34] Then I put his hand away and gave a little pat when I kept his hand back on his stomach. That's where it belongs not on my body. He didn't do it after that.

[00:12:48] I just feel because I never said anything he thought I enjoyed it. I should never justify this, his wrongdoing. I never shared this with my parents. I don't know. I somehow don't want to complicate things.

[00:13:03] It's been over 15 years, almost 20 years. I think if I'm not wrong since this incident happened and I have attended his wedding and we've been okay with each other and I've done status wedding also.

[00:13:19] I think both of us we buried this. So I'm super close with my sisters but I never shared this with them because I was very embarrassed. It took a lot of courage to actually tell them and they were really shocked.

[00:13:34] Of course, they were very, very sorry and so sad. They felt sad about this. My sister hugged me and then she said that she's sorry that this happened and that.

[00:13:49] I had to hide this with me for such a long time and then I was fighting the tears. The embarrassment went on for so long. I just tried to fight my tears. My sister she hugged me and she said that you know I'm sorry that you had to live with this for so many years.

[00:14:13] I feel so stupid that I'm so stiff that I didn't let go of myself and cry. I kept on fighting my tears and hide the fact that I'm so hurt and I'm so sad and broken.

[00:14:29] I was feeling so broken at that moment and they were shocked because this person is loved by everybody and a lot of us youngsters we looked up to him because he's successful

[00:14:42] and so nice and all that and everybody loves him and I think that's what made them so sad also because they didn't expect it from him.

[00:14:50] What I understand is like anybody who looks like a decent nice person needs to be a decent nice human being can be a molester.

[00:14:59] Zija's voice among so many others tells you what surveys and statistics already do that in most cases the perpetrator is known to the child.

[00:15:13] It's usually a family member or a person the child is familiar with and in fact trusts.

[00:15:19] Reshmi's story follows a similar pattern she saw her badminton coach almost every day during practice while she was growing up.

[00:15:27] At the age of 17 after a game of badminton he abused her. Reshmi chose to use her own name.

[00:15:35] Hi, my name is Reshmi and I am here to speak a little bit about my experience.

[00:15:49] I just want to speak about something traumatic that happened back when I was naive.

[00:16:01] I don't know. I'm 31 years old now when I was 17 years old.

[00:16:06] I still remember it was during the year I was playing badminton and it happened during I was trying to work out after my badminton after a badminton game and there was nobody I guess.

[00:16:20] I was only a trusted coach who taught me who was teaching me and I was worth.

[00:16:28] In standard 5 and in 17 you can imagine I just got into class 12.

[00:16:35] He came and he said to me, I'm going to help you work out and of course the trust that was there I think I allowed it.

[00:16:47] It was my badminton teacher. He was saying, I'm going to let you do your back crunches and you put your body back up.

[00:16:56] So he had his hands inside my top and he was fondling my stomach and he had his hands around my shoulders and I don't think I can but it would be good if you could.

[00:17:15] I can't speak about it. It was years later I fathomed or you know grass the reality of it.

[00:17:25] I guess a part of me just blocked the memory out so I never thought I should.

[00:17:30] I spoke to my mother and I think it was only last year or maybe last year I spoke to my mother about it and mother is being mothers, she just guessed who she was.

[00:17:39] Even now you know ever during any if I'm getting physical if I'm just getting physical I think that memory just haunts.

[00:17:51] Just post that and I become all this crabby and I lose my temper, I become a whole different person altogether.

[00:17:59] I just shrug it up.

[00:18:02] Later you know when people started talking when media got very vocal about such incidents and I remembered it was then that I used to feel this kind of my heart just clogging up or I used to feel this.

[00:18:24] I don't know there were times I used to feel very dirty.

[00:18:41] Okay let me ask you a question.

[00:18:44] How much do you think people change years after decades after the abuse, the fear, the bearing it deeper than the subconsciousness?

[00:18:55] Few people would answer as forcefully as Neha who spoke to me on the condition of anonymity.

[00:19:01] We've changed her name in this podcast.

[00:19:04] Neha says she was abused by her paternal grandfather when she was left alone in the house with him.

[00:19:12] That abuse stays with her to this day causing her to wake up to nightmares, shivering and crying.

[00:19:19] Psychological help doesn't work for me she says.

[00:19:23] Akademishan Kathleen Ratikin helps with understanding what she's going through in this book she's written on sexual abuse survivors called The Journal of Counseling and Development.

[00:19:33] She says and I quote, some survivors may have dissociated to protect themselves from experiencing that sexual abuse.

[00:19:41] This dissociation may include feelings of confusion, feelings of disorientation, nightmares, flashbacks and difficulty experiencing feelings.

[00:19:51] Have a listen to her story now.

[00:19:55] Hi, I am a 27 year old woman based out of Delhi, NCR.

[00:20:04] I was 7 years old when it first happened and 8 when it happened for the second time with the second family member.

[00:20:11] The first time when it happened it was my paternal grandfather.

[00:20:14] My parents had gone out for the evening leaving me alone with him and he used that as an opportunity to abuse me.

[00:20:21] The second time around it was my mom's cousin, Rado and while playing one afternoon he must have been about 19-20 at that point.

[00:20:31] So it was just me and him playing some game I don't remember but what I do remember is we know what he did to me and you know it still haunts me today.

[00:20:42] When it happened for the first time I told my parents what had happened.

[00:20:46] I was very confused. I didn't know what had happened to me or I knew it was that I was in a lot of pain.

[00:20:51] My parents didn't know how to react and I actually enacted everything out to my mother.

[00:20:57] My father didn't really say much, he didn't say anything at all.

[00:21:02] The very next evening when my parents had to go out again and he was okay with leaving me alone with him again.

[00:21:08] I was really hurt and even today you know it still hurts me to know that my father did not stand up for me like my very own biological father.

[00:21:17] He couldn't take a stand for me because it was his father in question.

[00:21:22] My mother was the one who raised her voice against it and in exchange my grandparents just asked to leave the house.

[00:21:30] The second time around when it happened I told my mom and maternal grandparents the very instant

[00:21:36] and what they did was throw him out of the house. They asked him to leave, they asked him to move to Punjab where my grandparents owned property.

[00:21:45] I'm actually going to say that this incident haunts me more often than not because I developed a nightmare problem since then.

[00:21:55] I get repeated nightmares of abuse happening to me again and again and again and again and we've been completely helpless and not being able to do anything about it.

[00:22:06] And I have woken up almost every night sweating, screaming, crying, asking for help.

[00:22:13] So yes the incident affects me even today. It affects how I see the world, it affects how I think about the opposite gender in general.

[00:22:23] And I do confide into my mother about it. I keep her in the loop so whether it's a nightmare or whether it's a bad memory flashback,

[00:22:32] I always do talk to her about it because she's been my biggest support through all of this and she's helped me move on from there.

[00:22:39] I haven't ever considered approaching the legal system really because very frankly considering how the legal system in India works

[00:22:48] just to mean you know going through a lot of rounds of the court and you know having to relive everything that had happened

[00:22:57] and I don't think I will ever be prepared to do that to myself.

[00:23:01] I have received psychological help, I have seen various councillors time to time and know it hasn't helped.

[00:23:09] Psychological help, while important to move on from the incident per se it hasn't really helped my brain put it behind.

[00:23:27] Now this fifth voice is basically the one that began the whole journey.

[00:23:31] Let's call her Vidhi.

[00:23:33] You remember the woman I told you about right at the beginning? Vidhi broke down in front of her husband 33 years after her sexual abuse and she told him everything.

[00:23:43] How did she manage to keep it all bottled up within her for so long? I don't know.

[00:23:49] But together when we were working on her story, we explored a lot of options for her. Unlike the other four women whose voices you just heard,

[00:23:56] Vidhi wants to file an FIR for rape against that cousin. She actually wants to see something happen.

[00:24:03] Will she get justice, will it take years? I have no idea. But what I do know or at least can hope for

[00:24:10] is actually reclaim some of that path the she thinks she lost all those years ago.

[00:24:15] I'm 46 and I live in Washington, DC. I'm a childhood sexual abuse survivor and was abused from the age 6 to 13 by my adult cousin who was 23 at the time when I was only 6.

[00:24:41] I was repeatedly physically assaulted by him in front of the other family members in form of a discipline and also sexually abused in disguise of taking care of me from when I was 6 to 11.

[00:25:00] And then he went on to rape me several times between the ages of 12 to 13.

[00:25:09] I could never tell my mother or anyone about my abuse. Because I was too little and also I realized that the word always gets to him and then I'll be very badly beaten for speaking up.

[00:25:28] But then eventually I did tell my mother about being raped by my cousin but her reaction was complete disbelief.

[00:25:39] However they decided to move city with me and never to report him to the authorities, but to exclude him from the family events.

[00:25:49] Being so young at the time to understand the issue and whose fault was in the crime against me, I thought as a child it was my fault.

[00:26:04] And as a result whatever my parents and my family were doing was in my best interest.

[00:26:12] I trusted as a child to look after and to love people around me and I did the same too.

[00:26:20] As an adult however I think they didn't want to discuss the issue as it would question their blind trust of my perpetrator.

[00:26:30] Clearly they didn't protect my childhood and fail to stand up against the wrong.

[00:26:37] As a result yes now my relationship is somewhat strained with my family for being disbelieved.

[00:26:44] After 33 years of silence of the abuse I finally confided to my husband who wholeheartedly supported my stance and encouraged me to stand up for justice.

[00:27:00] I did approach the criminal system and registered my case with Poxo and eventually registered again with NCAA hoping to file an FIR to lodge a formal criminal complaint to seek justice for the crime committed against me.

[00:27:21] It's not easy to escape the memories of the abuse of this magnitude and to forget the incidents that happened throughout my childhood especially when witnessing my daughter growing up through similar ages her childhood innocence reminded me of my unfortunate childhood years.

[00:27:44] The me to movement and watching particular television shows on child sexual abuse issues have all brought the memories overwhelm me in the back.

[00:28:14] If you want to listen to more podcasts like these log on to the Quinn's website and check out our podcast section.