From AR Rahman & Saira Banu to others: Why grey divorces are on the rise? | Ep 133

[00:00:00] AR Rahman and his wife Saira Banu recently shocked fans when they announced their separation after 29 years of marriage.

[00:00:09] So why are more long-term couples like them, calling it quits after decades together?

[00:00:16] What does this reveal about modern relationships, independence and personal fulfilment?

[00:00:27] Hi, you're listening to Onmanorama's Explainer podcast, News Break, a weekly show that breaks down news in a clutter-free manner.

[00:00:36] This is Harita Benjamin and today we are diving into a topic that's increasingly shaping conversations around relationships, grey divorces.

[00:00:47] The term refers to the rising trend of older individuals choosing to separate later in life after decades in marriage.

[00:00:55] While divorce rates among younger couples have generally been declining, the number of separations among older adults is on the rise.

[00:01:04] Joining me today is my colleague Swati P. Ajit, who recently wrote an article for Onmanorama titled, Breaking Free After 50 – How grey divorces are redefining relationships.

[00:01:16] Welcome to the show Swati.

[00:01:19] Thank you Harita, thank you for having me.

[00:01:20] So let's jump right in. You've covered grey divorces in depth in your article and I think you also spoke to a couple of psychologists and psychiatrists, right?

[00:01:30] So could you tell us what is behind this growing trend, especially among older couples?

[00:01:38] So Harita, I was quite intrigued when I heard about A.R. Aman and his wife Sarah Banu announcing their divorce nearly after 30 years of marriage.

[00:01:46] So in this case, it was Sarah who initiated the divorce which made me wonder what led to such a decision.

[00:01:52] So I started talking to people around me and it helped me understand that the traditional idea, especially in Indian households, that marriages should last forever is slowly changing.

[00:02:02] It's no longer just about men. For women, it's becoming a liberating experience.

[00:02:07] Women today are finally able to say enough is enough and are no longer afraid to take the first step.

[00:02:13] Couples no longer see their lives ending at 50s, which might also contribute to this growing trend.

[00:02:19] Yeah, I think basically the power equation among couples are changing right now, right?

[00:02:25] And there is a different kind of role responsibilities which are being assigned in every family nowadays.

[00:02:31] I think that is fundamental to why grey divorcees are on the rise right now.

[00:02:37] So Swati, how has the trend of divorce among older couples evolved across the years, particularly in Indian households?

[00:02:45] So divorce among older couples was rare in the past, especially in Indian households where societal pressures often kept couples together, even if their marriage had reached its end.

[00:02:57] So for my article, I spoke with a psychologist who shared some insights.

[00:03:01] She explained that in the past, girls were often forced into marriage and parents were eager for their children to settle down.

[00:03:07] So this trend is changing now. People are living healthier lives and women are becoming more independent.

[00:03:12] In the Indian context, men often become more dependent on their wives for everything, which can lead to a shift in dynamics as women gain more autonomy.

[00:03:20] From a young age, many women are taught to prioritize family and sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of keeping things together.

[00:03:27] Even when they feel they deserve more, the fear of judgment and societal pressure to maintain a perfect family often holds them back.

[00:03:35] So divorce is often seen as a failure and the stigma attached to it can make women feel trapped, even if they are unhappy.

[00:03:41] So it's only when they find personal strength or independence that they might consider taking that difficult step.

[00:03:48] And I think the older couples also take inspiration from the younger couples these days.

[00:03:54] So the older couples, for example, our parents, who are observing the younger relationships where there is a more equal role division amongst the younger couple,

[00:04:04] they feel that why should we be stuck in a relationship which is very unfairly divided when it comes to gender roles.

[00:04:12] So I think that is also an inspiration for the older couples to take a step forward and, you know, break free from that stigma and, you know, take a step forward, at least even if it is later in their life.

[00:04:24] Now, you were talking about the different societal pressures, right?

[00:04:28] So what are the societal pressures which actually discouraged people from going for divorce in the older generations?

[00:04:35] And how have these pressures actually shifted in recent years?

[00:04:40] Zaharta, like you said, there is a certain social stigma surrounding divorce and it tends to be even more pronounced when it comes to gay divorces.

[00:04:48] Due to societal pressures, many couples choose to stay married even if their relationship has long since faltered.

[00:04:54] So a psychologist I spoke to shared her observations from working with women across different walks of life in Kerala.

[00:05:00] She said that many women expressed a preference for remaining separated rather than divorced, even if their husbands are abusive or heavy drinkers.

[00:05:09] Staying legally married, they felt provided some level of protection.

[00:05:12] However, women who are financially independent as well as couples whose children support their decisions to separate seem to handle the societal pressure much more effectively.

[00:05:22] Yeah, true.

[00:05:23] As you said, I think they prefer to be stay separated than, you know, bring in that heavy word of divorce into their lives.

[00:05:31] Even the husbands, you know, who are maybe, you know, abusive or alcoholic in nature prefer that because to avoid those questions in public on what drove their wives to actually file for divorce, right?

[00:05:43] So also when it comes to, you know, looking at the gray divorces, you have to consider the age factor here.

[00:05:50] Most of these couples are, you know, couples who have, who are done with their responsibilities and their kids are already married.

[00:05:57] And so in such cases, it makes more sense for these couples to get their kids married because there is a different status level after all attached to divorce parents than happily married.

[00:06:09] Uh-huh.

[00:06:10] I quote, I put this in quotes, parents, right?

[00:06:13] So when you are looking for an alliance in a different family, obviously, if you are a divorced couple, there are less likely chances to get, you know, kids from a good family come into your family in Indian households at least.

[00:06:26] So I think that is also one of the reasons why they keep pursuing, you know, an unhappy marriage and later file for divorce or stay separated.

[00:06:35] Now, moving on, let's look at, you know, how the elderly children, you know, the older children respond to their parents getting married.

[00:06:45] So how do the support systems of grown-up children impact the decision of older couples who file for divorce?

[00:06:53] So like we mentioned, divorce is often a slow and gradual process, particularly for older couples.

[00:06:59] So as their children grow up and become more independent, these couples may begin to feel the need for a fresh start.

[00:07:05] So although the decision is challenging and emotionally draining, they may come to see divorce as the only option.

[00:07:11] I spoke with a divorce lawyer who shared an interesting insight.

[00:07:15] That is around 75% of grown-up children support their parents' decision to divorce.

[00:07:20] In most cases, children tend to back their mothers, though in some instances they support their fathers as well.

[00:07:25] So this support stems from the understanding that their parents' unhappiness isn't healthy and that both should have the opportunity to live fulfilling individual lives.

[00:07:35] There are also cases where children just support their father for clearly monetary benefits.

[00:07:39] So there was this one instance where this father, after his retirement, his behavior sort of started to change.

[00:07:45] He was becoming more addicted to porn and his sexual activities began to change.

[00:07:52] And so the wife felt like he was cheating on her.

[00:07:55] But in this case, their son, he actually took the father to a doctor instead of a lawyer.

[00:08:01] And then they found out that the father had actually undergone a stroke and there were some neurological changes that happened, which caused the different behavior.

[00:08:11] So after that, when he was treated, he became a very normal and loving husband and they continued with their marriage.

[00:08:17] So I think children play a very important role in the decision that their parents make.

[00:08:21] Yeah, that is an interesting anecdote.

[00:08:23] So I think, you know, here again, we see that the women are taking the step when it comes to taking divorces and, you know, the step forward, including the case which you just mentioned.

[00:08:34] So there is also a surprising statistic which is being floated around.

[00:08:38] That is, it shows that women tend to fare emotionally better after a divorce compared to men.

[00:08:44] What could be the reason for this?

[00:08:47] Studies show that women often fare emotionally better, like you said, after a divorce than men.

[00:08:51] So one reason for this is that women are generally better at building support networks, whether through friends, family or therapy, because they've been doing this for a very long time.

[00:09:01] They also tend to process their emotions more openly, which helps them in healing.

[00:09:05] So on the other hand, men may struggle with expressing their feelings and may not seek help as readily.

[00:09:11] Also, women often feel a sense of relief and empowerment once they leave a toxic relationship, which can contribute to their emotional well-being post-divorce.

[00:09:20] Yeah, I think Swati, once again, we are becoming too biased towards women in this podcast.

[00:09:26] We should also talk about the men in the toxic relationships.

[00:09:30] So all our observations were based on the fact that women initiate the divorce, right?

[00:09:35] So it is likely, from my understanding, it is likely that, you know, even men would fare better if the woman was actually the toxic person in the relationship.

[00:09:44] So another point is, which I would like to point out at this juncture, is that women are the traditional caregiver who holds more responsibilities in a household.

[00:09:53] We all know, you know, how much of roles our mothers used to fulfill as, you know, as children, right?

[00:09:59] So compared to that, if you're looking at our generation, you know, if take my husband and I for, you know, as an example, we have more of a shared equation.

[00:10:10] We have shared responsibilities compared to the past relationships.

[00:10:14] So in this case, I think a man is often lost, you know, who is going for a great divorce.

[00:10:21] The elderly man is often lost on how to fulfill these responsibilities without the wife.

[00:10:27] And I think hence, you know, they face that vacuum.

[00:10:31] On the other hand, for women who have been, you know, loaded with responsibilities all their life,

[00:10:36] they feel that this is a liberating experience because, after all, they don't have any more shared responsibilities or they don't have to do 80% of the work in that household anymore.

[00:10:48] They just have to do what they want.

[00:10:50] So I think this is, you know, one of the primary reasons why women feel more liberated.

[00:10:56] And that's why the statistics suggest this.

[00:10:58] So another point which I would like to point out is that I think gray divorces, say, from 10 to 20 years from now would be very different from the divorces, gray divorces, which we see now.

[00:11:09] That is, once my generation, you know, the ones who are in their 30s, you know, move on with their relationship for, you know, 10 or 20 years ahead, they would have a different dynamic.

[00:11:21] And I think when it comes to 10 or 20 years ahead, I think the women and men would have more shared responsibilities.

[00:11:31] And I think because of that, both of these genders would fare emotionally better because of this as compared to right now.

[00:11:41] Now, moving on, as I suggested earlier, financial independence also plays a huge role when it comes to these decisions, including a gray divorce.

[00:11:49] How have the changes in financial independence and societal attitudes actually empowered older couples to make the tough choices of separation?

[00:12:00] So, Harita, earlier, I think women did not have like a full-fledged career as, you know, whatever they wanted to do.

[00:12:08] But now women are more financially independent and both men and women are less willing to stay in unfulfilling marriages.

[00:12:14] In the past, women sought government jobs with age limitations.

[00:12:18] But now that's no longer the case.

[00:12:20] Women can start businesses at 50 and often have the support of their children as well.

[00:12:25] So as a result, women now feel empowered to say enough is enough.

[00:12:29] Right.

[00:12:29] So I think males are usually, you know, in an Indian household at least, for the past few generations, we have seen that males are usually the financially stronger counterpart in a relationship.

[00:12:39] And this is therefore finance or economy is usually not a factor for them when it comes to divorces.

[00:12:48] The reason they seek a divorce would usually be something like other relationships, monotony from the existing relationship or diverging, you know, life decisions or simply the difficulty to keep adjusting in life.

[00:13:01] So they are usually, you know, probably the couple has a prolonged emotional vacuum after the kids are, you know, settled in their respective families or in their jobs.

[00:13:13] So this is why usually men, you know, go for divorces.

[00:13:19] They decide that, you know, again, men can also decide that enough is enough.

[00:13:23] And, you know, just like the woman and they can go opt for a different life altogether, which may not be a common.

[00:13:30] They may not have a shared dream anymore because they don't have common aspirations like kids or, you know, their jobs or their marriages.

[00:13:37] So they decide to, you know, separate and live their lives.

[00:13:42] So, again, as I pointed out earlier, what we have observed from this generation of gray divorces is that many of the men opt for second marriages when it comes to the future after gray divorces.

[00:13:55] However, the women, on the other hand, they are like they don't want to be in relationships anymore.

[00:14:00] They want to be a free bird and also the option of luxury care homes and, you know, hospitals and facilities like that when it comes to health aspect is increasingly emboldening men to seek gray divorces.

[00:14:17] Because that was something those responsibilities were something which was fulfilled by traditionally by wives earlier.

[00:14:24] And they don't need, you know, that anymore.

[00:14:27] So at least the upper middle class and, you know, the richer classes opt for divorces because they are not tied up in their relationships due to these certain factors anymore.

[00:14:40] So moving on, let's talk about celebrities, which is, you know, what we started with.

[00:14:46] So we know that, you know, public figures like A.R Rahman and others have sparked broader conversations about gray divorces.

[00:14:54] And how important is their role when it comes to these separations and different types of separations?

[00:15:00] We know for a fact that cinema has been reflecting on gray divorces more.

[00:15:06] We know about Kadil and, you know, other types of movies which have been increasingly been speaking about, you know, different types of gray divorces and the reasons behind it.

[00:15:16] So could you give us an insight on how cinema and celebrities have influenced gray divorces and helped in normalizing it?

[00:15:25] Harita, I think as ordinary people, we often become aware of trends like gray divorces when celebrity couples go through it, right?

[00:15:33] However, the reality is that gray divorces are more common than we might think.

[00:15:37] In recent years, there has been a significant rise in such cases is what I understood when I talked to the lawyer and the psychologist.

[00:15:44] So celebrities with their star power bring more visibility to this issue, which means more people are learning about it, reading upon it and gaining a better understanding.

[00:15:54] And that in itself is what really matters.

[00:15:57] Right. So I think it's clear that gray divorces are not just a personal matter, but a part of a wider social shift.

[00:16:05] This has been in trend in the American and the Western cultures.

[00:16:08] And now it is showing its influence in Indian society as well.

[00:16:12] So I think with that, we can wind up today's conversation.

[00:16:16] Thank you so much, Swati, for joining Newsbreak this time.

[00:16:20] And this is an episode of On Manorama's Newsbreak, an explainer podcast.

[00:16:25] This episode was produced by me.

[00:16:27] That is Harita Benjamin.

[00:16:28] So do tune in for more updates and insightful stories to On Manorama and be back next week to listen to more of Newsbreak.

[00:16:36] Thank you.

[00:16:37] Thank you.

[00:16:37] Thank you.

[00:16:37] Thank you.